Lawn Envy

Our neighbors have the plushest lawn
that you have ever seen.
You’d think you’re looking at a rug,
it is so rich and green.

It makes our lawn look like a mess.
My wife gets after me.
She taunts me and she scolds me, too.
She will not let me be.

Lawn envy is a dreadful thing
and she has got it bad.
And then she blames it all on me.
It makes me feel so sad.

I don’t know why theirs looks so good
and I am losing sleep.
I made a promise to myself,
a promise I will keep.

I’ll toil and slave and pray a lot
until our lawn looks great.
I’ll tend the grass from early morn
and then I’ll work ‘til late.

But still I wondered ‘bout their lawn.
How can it be so good?
I never see them fertilize
and you'd have thought I would.

So out I snuck one summer night
to closely check their grass.
It isn’t grass; it’s Astroturf!
The perfect lawn, my ass!

I told my wife what I had found
and she just looked at me.
“If Astroturf is what it takes,
that’s good enough for me.”

So our new lawn is looking good.
It’s nice and neat and green.
In fact, it is the plushest lawn
that you have ever seen.