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a documentation of my life. |
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I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Samantha I grew up in a small town of Pennsylvania surrounded by farms, in fact I even grew up on a cattle farm. I started my own show cattle operation when I was thirteen and I started a dog breeding business when I was nineteen. I went to college at the age of seventeen in a rural community in Kansas. Ever since than I have been running from a past filled with abuse in all forms mental, emotional, and physical. Its not something I enjoy discussing but it has caused me nothing but problems. May of my freshman year of college I chose to run from my past the farthest I had ever gone and get my first boyfriend, Daniel. Stupidly I fell as hard as any girl would with her first, the warning signs were there and everyone saw them except for me. He left me after six months, the pain was excruciating but like most it subsided with time. However, it was only a week later that I had found out the rumors he had been spreading about me. I had let him move in with me, I had cooked and cleaned for him, given him sex whenever he had asked, I tried to do exactly as he wanted. He proceeded to tell the world or anyone he could find that I was evil and manipulative, that I destroyed everything I touched. Mentally he was not stable, he believed that he was the king of another realm that he was betrothed and would regularly text her in front of me to try and prove it, he used to tell me I was a blood sucker and that the people he worked with would try and kill me. There were many nights that he would wake me up, drag me down to his car and drive to a remote part of the country and tell me that it was for my safety. After he left me, he asked my bestfriend out and proceeded to tell her that he had never cared for me that it was all to get closer to her. Its funny how you dont realize how others affect you until its too late, in this case I did not know until four years later. Yet, The spring of my sophomore year I decided to embrace my past and that is when I met my second boyfriend Tyrone. He was from Jamaica and was one of the biggest track athletes of the college. I guess I should probably clarify that men have always seemed to be repulsed by me unless they want sex and as a result my past is full of sexual encounters with nothing in regards to emotional support. Anyways, Tyrone and I became consistent booty calls and honestly the sex was the best part of our relationship. Three weeks after spending every night together I gave Tyrone an ultimatum, be faithful to me or we were gonna separate and see other people. He agreed. Our relationship lasted for three years, and honestly our relationship was twisted, but it worked. He was distant emotionally, he never opened up he would use mental abuse to control me. If I did or said anything that he didnt like he would go days or weeks without speaking to me. Unfortunately the relationship was long distance, so trust was a big part, I was never concerned that he wasn't faithful however much people told me I should be. He knew by silencing me and ignoring me I would feel lost and abandoned leaving me willing to do whatever it took to make things right. I remember one night towards the end of my relationship he had come over 1100 miles to see me, most of the time he was working on his computer, I would cook and clean, we would have sex every morning, might I add initiated by him, anyways, I had decided to go to bed at ten that night, he was sitting in the living room working as always and I said goodnight and told him to come to bed whenever he was finished. At three in the morning I woke up to a cold bed, I proceeded to the living room where he had made his bed on the couch. I went back to bed but kept feeling abandoned as always which I suspect was his intention. I never was able to sleep the rest of the night and just laid in bed, he came it at six and the moment I saw him I broke down. Turns out it was a punishment for me of which I will not go into detail. I loved Tyrone, against all odds, I wanted to marry him and have kids with him, I kept telling myself that I could happily suffer with his personality, every time I asked for more he would tell me that what I had was all I was ever going to get, and I figured I could live with that. I graduated college in may of 2020, to give a bit of perspective, in four years I completed two associates degrees in both arts and sciences, I completed a bachelors degree in animal science specializing in bovine genetics, and I completed a minor in Agricultural economics, so I'm actually very intelligent but I have horrible world skills. I came to work at a store where I met my current boyfriend, at the time I moved back to my hometown, I was still with Tyrone. Working alongside Alex was fun, he was playful, he cared about me he showed me I was worth more than how Tyrone was treating me. So in July of 2020 I left Tyrone, he lashed out at me accusing me of not respecting him the entire relationship, but I let the insults roll over me. This is where I begin to realize that I am better off alone than with anyone else. The first few months were full of love and compassion, playful and flirtatious, he treated me like a queen. I told him though what I had been treated like by the others and I was a bit untrusting. I told him that I wasn't ready to let anyone in and that I was worried he was going to treat me like the others in the end. He was reassuring and compassionate and told me he understood and had dealt with the same type of thing. Things were going great we were in love talking about getting married and having kids, life couldn't have been better. Once we started talking about kids I figured it would be a good idea for the both of us to quite smoking and drinking. He reluctantly agreed, but he saw my point. He is not like me he is a city boy but he wants to be like me, his ideas were city ideas that are not looked at kindly among country folk and I pointed it out, and this is when things went south. Every time I asked him to adapt to the country living he would tell me that I was taking away everything he has ever wanted. So, I thought that Daniel was right, maybe I was controlling so I gave in, I let him have his way. After about three months he changed, He was always angry, he told me I was not allowed to speak to anyone but him, I couldn't have any friends, because friends meant I was going to cheat. I stood my ground for a while, but I eventually pushed everyone around me away, but it wasn't enough. I gave him free access to my phone but he always accused me of deleting texts and photos before he could see them. He was angry with me 24/7, at work the way I acted around my coworkers annoyed him, he accused me of wanting them more than him, told me I had changed. At first I tried to go quite to appease him but than he was angry because our coworkers were asking him what he had done to me, it made him look bad. I was confused, lost and out of control. About six months into the relationship he broke up with me at work, ten minutes later he told me he wanted me back because he was never gonna find someone like me. Like an idiot I agreed. When we were together we were happy and carefree but at work we were nothing but tension and arguments, and everyone saw it. I told him in order to make this work we couldn't work together. I told him that I was going to start looking for another job, which angered him, when I questioned him he proceeded to tell me that I could not get another job because than he couldn't trust me or anyone I was working with not to cheat on him. As such, I asked him to find another job, he agreed. About three months after the first breakup he broke up with me again, I was devastated but not nearly as much as the first time. The next morning he told me that breaking up was not his intention. So I took him back against all my instincts. Finally a week after he broke up with me again, by this time I had already reverted to the same state of mind that I was in with Tyrone. So I asked him what I could do to make things right. He told me that everything that we had agreed to at the beginning of our relationship was null and void with him, he was going to drink and smoke and do what he wanted but I still had to abide by the agreement. Our whole relationship has been lies from him, the breaking of trust, and blame. I cant say that I am without blame but I feel rejected abandoned, and things just dont line up. But this is where I am and my therapist thinks that blogging will help so here goes nothing. |
| Well, a lot has happened over the last couple of days, guess I should start at the beginning. Three days ago Alex and I went over to his place after working on my farm all day. We took a shower together and things started getting steamy. We had sec and like always he could care less about pleasing me as long as he is satisfied. Well I asked him if I could get myself off and like always he got angry yelling that I must not care about him at all because to me he just wasn’t good enough. That’s always how it goes he doesn’t care if the sex is good for me as long as it’s good for him. Ever since than he has barely spoken to me. Well today the foreman at his new job just offered me new employment as well with Alex’s recommendation. I turned the offer down because us working together is a very bad idea as already seen. Well, this pissed Alex off because now he can’t keep an eye on me, he can’t control how I talk, act, or work. So that’s where I am now. |
| I know in a blog you’re supposed to add things everyday but I guess that’s just not me. Al x quite his job so now we are not working together and things between us have actually been pretty decent. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just a phase in his life. A point of time that he is afraid of losing but unwilling to move forward. We’ve been talking about getting married and having kids for a long time now, he bought a ring but now nothing. I mean he has told me for months that he plans on spending the rest of his life with me and that he wants to marry me but if I ask him why he hasn’t asked yet, he just replies with it’s to soon. I don’t see a point of too soon when people love each other. I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t actually want me he just doesn’t want to lose me. I know I’m overthinking but it’s just a gut wrenching feeling that I may be strung along without any reward in the end. |
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