Letter to Granny #2

Dear Granny,

Hi. I don't really know what to say. It's been tough lately. I feel lost, a little hopeless too. But I walk like a zombie through it, you know. Instead of the pain overwhelming me, it just writes itself out as it's happening and my brain basically gives me the bullet points and deletes all the emotion. Same with my dreams. I barely remember them. Any of them. I used to be able to remember every dream I ever had. But now I can't remember any of them.

I suppose I could say that this is a good thing, as it shields me from the pain of reality. I could say that it is nice to have an emotional bodyguard, something to make sure the darkness doesn't overtake me. But as my emotions diminish so do I, and a new darkness forms.

As the storm dies down in my mind, I can honestly say I do not know who I am. Or who I am to become. It's scary having to reinvent myself as I become this new person. I know who I was, I know her well. But this new me…

But honestly, it's not about that. It's about giving up one thing to get something else, not know which one is the better option. It's about wondering if it's worth it not to dream anymore, not to feel something deep within you. Just to be better. Just to be normal. Healthy. But shrouded in pain like a heavy overcoat. Over my shoulders, but not fully on. Making it easy for the pain to come off but also easy to put back on. Before, pain would just inject itself in my veins like venom, paralyzing me mentally and physically.

Anyway, don't we all experience pain in life. I'm sorry for such a sad letter. That's two in a row, I know I know. I needed to get this off my chest. Help me deal. Love you!!!! Tell God, as always I could use a hug :)

Can't wait to see you all when I get there,

A.C