Aunty Edna's Pointed Stick

Aunty Edna had a nasty pain in her tummy-tum-tum. Maybe her period or maybe just too much to eat. Who knows? Anyway, it was toilet time, so she said "Excuse me," to everyone at the table and rose gracefully to her feet. There sat her cousin Ebeneezer and his ghastly wife Esmerelda; and six nasty children out of their sevenfold brood: Eric, Edwina, Ethelburga, Emma, Engelbert and Eduardo the diminutive hunchback. Only Ephraim (the seriously mental defective one) was absent from the family party, having been wisely locked up by his doting parents in his cage in the basement.

What a happy family they looked, even though all six children had eye patches over their left eyes. A stranger might have thought they were dressed up as little pirates, but everyone knew this was not the case. There was a more serious reason for the eye patches. And a sad one.

Aunty Edna went along the hallway to where the toilet was situated and in she went. She was soon enthroned upon the porcelain pedestal, her frilly knickers resting delicately on her bloated fat ankles. Just as soon as she had finished her business and was having a bit of a clean up DOWN THERE, she heard an excited sniff and giggle from beyond the door.

Quick as a flash, she grabbed the long pointed stick she kept ready for occasions such as this and she jabbed it savagely through the keyhole, which resulted in a scream of agony from Eduardo, her dwarflike hunchback nephew. Now he would need more major optical surgery, two eyepatches in the short-term, and a nice white stick plus a helpful golden retriever for the rest of his useless life.

Edna smiled with morbid amusement (and not a little schadenfreude) as she carefully hoisted up her capacious drawers and then pulled the chain with satisfaction at a job well done. She decided she would celebrate by washing her hands this time.