Naughty or Nice?

Naughty or Nice?

         “Hello Rufus. Merry Christmas."

         "Bah, humbug. What are you doin' here, Claus?"

         "Checking on you. Need to know if you've been naughty or nice."

         "Neither."

         "Neither. How can that be?"

         "I'm too old to be naughty, and too grouchy to be nice."

         "Well, I have to decide that. I've got to put you on one of the lists, you know."

         " Maybe I don't want to be on either list."

         "Sorry about that. Regulations. I have a form here that must be filled out."

         "Humbug."

         "Will you answer some questions to inform my decision?"

         "If I do, will you go away?"

         "… like an arrow released."

         "OK, shoot — the questions, not the arrow."

         "Let's see here … Number 1 … you been chasin' any women?"

         "No. I told you I'm too old to be naughty."

         "That's good, Rufus, that's good. Check 'Nice' for Number 1."

         "Good grief."

         "How about drinkin'. You been doin' any drinkin' ?"

         "Of course. I ain't dead yet."

         "Oh, that's bad Rufus. Check 'Naughty' for Number 2."

         "Pappy Van Winkle."

         "Whoa, that's a different story. Change Number 2 to 'Nice'. "

         "Do you ask kids these same questions?"

         "Of course not. They'll think Pappy Van Winkle is part of the family. Number 3 – Smokin.' I suppose you do some of that too?"

         "Only cigars."

         "Hmmm. What kind?"

         "Cohiba Lanceros"

         "Oh my, those are expensive and hard to get."

         "But I'm worth it."

         "Rufus buddy, do you have any with you?"

         "Always."

         "Think you could spare one for your old pal, Santa?"

         "Nope."

         "Why not?"

         " 'cause I ain't nice. I told you that."

         "Yes, you did. So it's 'Naughty' for Number 3."

         "That's fine. I still ain't givin' you one of those Cohibas.

         "You know, Rufus … with a 'Naughty' beside your name, I can't leave you any presents."

         "That's good because all that junk you leave just goes into the next garage sale unless I can pawn it off on somebody else."

         "I swear Rufus, you're the guy who put the crank in cranky."

         "I guess so, but Pappy loves me."

###

Word Count: 347