My Love's Reach

Something inside of me has died, and something reborn. Addiction's tentacles still reach out for me, especially on days like today, when things haven't gone the way I had planned. Yet, I managed to evade her, fearful of the consequences that would follow. I wish I could laugh them away, but these cravings are not to be mocked. I have too much respect for their influence on my soul.

"Past behaviour will not determine my future behaviour."

At least, that is what I tell myself in moments of weakness...when failure stands tall, and success hides under my sorrowful heart.

Doubts rage and anger mounts. WHY? Why must I lose my old friend?

She was there for me when no one else was. When I was alone, she held me tight and gave me whatever I wanted. Yes, there was a price to pay, but doesn't everybody want something? Nothing comes for free in this world.

At least she was honest enough to show me the cost. More than some I have known.

But I cannot make love to her again, and risk losing this gift that has replaced her in my heart.

*******

I didn't know writing was art; I didn't even consider. That I could touch someone with my words. Conjure emotions and draw pictures in their minds. Paint a life of colour or of sadness, of fear or of joy. And how I feel when someone feels my story, sees my thoughts, understands my life.

Would I take her back? Would I swap this, for her? I want to say never, but the niggle of doubt still remains.

Addiction is not a lover who gives up easily. She will be there waiting for me to fall. To pick me up in her loving arms and bring me to familiar grounds, and then, she will lay me down and take everything I have worked for. All of my dreams and desires because she will share me with no one.