Word Vomit

There are all these words. They jumble in my head. Sometimes I figure out a page or two. Sometimes a chapter.

Then on days like this. Where I'm incredibly lonely but I don't want to risk it because I live in a world where I don't know you and really wanted to know you but my mind creates a version of you that's not real so I decide to settle. On days like this where that doesn't work anymore and the real you isn't around to stop the fantasy from becoming a night mare I can't put the words together.

Am I sad? Am I angry? I know I'm not happy. I know I'm not okay. I know I'm upset but if I can't organize my words how will I know what to do to fix it?

That's what I'm supposed to do; I fix it. My problems are mine because I have the capability to fix them but I can't think when you're not here and I don't even know you.

I didn't notice it till today. I didn't notice till the sun went down. I didn't notice until like what an hour till it rises again? Maybe two.

How could I?

How am I supposed to notice the bed is cold when it's always been cold?

How am I supposed to let go of something I never had?

I don't think it's you that I miss.

Now hand on, it looks like my words are finding a way out let me try: Did it take another's pain for me to realize my own?

No that's not it. I don't feel better.

What about this; I want to break down but it's almost like I don't care.

I do care. If I didn't I wouldn't be thinking about it.

Is the world closing in on me? I'd ask it to step back but I don't want to be rude. What if it's not? What if it's just me?

I can't blame the world if I can't get my shit together.

I have everything I want. That's the problem. When was the last time I actually suffered? How many times can I say I in one spill.

When did I decide to let you go? Who are you?

I don't love you. Don't even think I need to. What does that matter right? Why must I have everything I need?