Truest Angel Part 2 of 3

There was still a war but it was fought with philosophy and ideals. It became a case of infiltrating the other and spreading ideologies which led to each one growing more extreme to differentiate itself from its opponent. If the population of one came to resemble the other too much, they feared they might be drawn into the other as just part of a larger whole.
Dr. Levianas and Geisler were from a land that still valued the human form, a curiosity to me as they made me into something that was not human. Dr. Geisler explained it best, telling me how the other side wanted to replace humanity as it was with a higher form, I was not supposed to be humanity’s replacement.
I mentioned earlier how my home did not appear as one would expect a battlefield or fortress to be. It was called dead man’s land and indeed I fear the sheer concentration of death nurtured the ground. While short of armies and warbeasts, the wild found no reason to not reclaim it. The place was more garden than cemetery, vibrant with plant life. Vines and shrubs covered the stonework, turning the structure into a verdant hedge.
The dead man’s land was longer than it was wide and varied in width where boundaries of nations receded or swelled with the Technocracy on the west and the Republic in the east. Mind if I use the term "league" as in the distance a human could cover in an hour of walking? That is a distance I can easily grasp. I would say where the laboratory was, it was about twelve leagues across from one nation's recognized domain to another with us being closer to the Technocracy. I could fly from one end to another in half an old world's hour.
The nations were relatively of similar size. The Republic was geographically larger by maybe a third but the Technocracy had a denser population. I once raced myself in my attempts to sneak away and sneak back and found I could fly across the Technocracy in less than five old world hours. The capital of Technocracy was situated on the east of the great lake that sustained it so I could arrive there in about two hours, maybe more, from the laboratory.
The project that birthed me was not the working of some grand conspiracy. The founder had apparently been a medic in the war and made a name for himself outside of it. The funding, location, and equipment came from his machinations. The difficult part had been winning over the minds of individuals such as Dr. Levanias and Geisler.
What was the goal of the project? “To create an ideal being.” Rather broad do you not agree? Too broad. My hundred predecessors were quite varied.
But honestly, at some point their goal simplified into making someone with multiple gifts with no drawbacks. What are gifts? Strange abilities that some humans just seem to have even before being augmented. They used to be the subject of legends in the old world, people with unique talents.
Unfortunately, there was usually a price for something beyond the norm. Just because one aspect of a person mutated did not mean the rest of the body adapted in turn. If somebody could breath fire did not mean their own skin was immune to flame. Genius often came with madness or other defects.
If the project could generate a being with multiple gifts without compromising that being’s integrity, they could use that to build further. You might say their intent was to develop a keystone that would open the way to creating gods.
Dr. Geisler and Levanias held no such lofty ambitions. Dr. Geisler simply refused to leave what he contributed so much to incomplete.
Dr. Levanias joined the project as medical staff meant to treat those like me. Those two were the only ones left, though there apparently never were that many to begin with. The project valued secrecy and quality, employing those in the upper echelons of their fields rather than an army of researchers. Dr. Geisler had been discovered by that group and had no social circles to return to and Dr. Levanias felt obliged to stay in case Dr. Geisler’s continued researched concocted some creature more unfortunate than me that would need her expertise to survive.
Dr. Levianas lost her husband in the war while the other never had anything. Dr. Geisler might as well have been a hermit. His social history seemed to have been limited to his family in his early childhood and his professors from his time studying. He, being someone without aspirations, developed working knowledge with nearly every field of science. If we had to designate what he had the greatest affinity for, he was, by your words, a genetic engineer. Our name for the field would translate to something akin to "essence weaver".
It was a career that would allow him to situate himself anywhere. He could help manufacture warbeasts, tools, or even become involved in agriculture.
As for the founder, he visited the facility once in my time there. He was a little overweight, his face wrinkled and hair practically gone except a half circle of gray from age.
I was still young and learning. I did not sift through his thoughts for any reason more than the novelty of encountering a mind different from the two doctors I knew so well.
He was informed of my will and known capabilities. I did not speak yet so my sense was still a mystery. He feigned interest, trying to assess how my sense functioned but inside he was solemn, a similar sensation to me as Dr. Geisler but there was more to it. While Dr. Geisler's distant mind came with an unrelenting intensity,Dr. Aquinas's mind processed everything slowly and at the end of it all he settled for something like "At least she is alive," with a satisfaction that pushed back some cornerstone of disappointment and resignation at the news of my flaws.
Dr. Aquinas promised the two as much funding as they needed to keep me "Happy and healthy."
Both requirements proved less daunting than either doctor expected. Other than nutrition, I seemed to have a way of keeping myself healthy. I was most certainly not a picky eater, just a… maybe I should say reluctant one. Eating was boring. If they had fed me intravenously, I imagine I would have been just as satisfied.
If they wanted me happy, they themselves only needed to be happy themselves and let me fly free.
My first flight outside was an uneventful one. The two doctors watched me the entire time, telling me mentally and through gestures whether I had gone too far or not, making sure I was always in their line of sight.
For me, it was about growing accustomed to no ceiling or walls, no physical barriers to restrict my movement, just social pressure from my caretakers.
It is a wonder that my legs never atrophied. You might find security in the sensation of your feet against the ground but I find no such comfort or discomfort. I spent more time in the air than at rest. Floating even a little spared me the trouble of me unknowingly bumping against something or scraping my toes while giving me the freedom to move in any way I pleased. I still find amusement today in levitating and looking at the world upside down.
Swiftly after the initial flight, I reached the point where I could roam freely. Or rather as freely as I could hope. After I underwent exercises to ensure I knew what to do if I encountered souls from either nations, of course.
To allow me to go beyond their sight sight, they presented me with a worm. After being placed in my hand, it burrowed into my palm. The insect, it was not really an insect as Dr. Geisler would be quick to inform you but let us call it an insect, would serve as a means to track me. The nest the it came from secreted a pheromone, once outside the range of the pheromones, the insect would shriek at an inaudible frequency which could be followed by others from its nest. Once I returned to the nest, the worm left my hand voluntarily and rejoined its kin.
The second time I flew freely, the insect was not so fortunate. As Dr. Geisler put it, my body attacked it. I from then on needed to wear a little necklace with the worm inside and enough food to keep it alive for a day.
I will be honest with you. To me, the thick clouds looked to me like floating white cotton. I thought I might be caught in them like in a net or brambles. I was young, please do not laugh. Softness was not an easy concept to me, just my vision made me learn the difference from solids and liquids like crystals compared to water from when I suddenly was brought to halt.
Once I realized there truly was no obstacle to stop me, I went beyond the clouds and witnessed the beauty beyond the sky. Below me was an ocean of white.
I flew higher and higher, my vision slowly darkening as I began to notice frost forming upon my skin.
My world went black and when it returned, I was greeted by the swiftly approaching ground. In those first precious moments of returning consciousness, I did not realize what was happening and when I finally did, I panicked. Fortunately, falling is not an instant process. You would think that from watching rainfall but under less stressful conditions, I could dive from the clouds and do as I pleased for maybe a minute before worrying about how I was going to land.
I had far less than a minute, I had already fell beyond the clouds before reawakening. I could not bring myself to a halt nor could I slow myself enough to make a difference before crashing. I tried to turn the nosedive into a level flight, redirecting the momentum that was carrying me rather than trying to resist it.
I brought myself to a diagonal fall rather than a sheer vertical drop and, in that tense situation felt, agonizingly slowly changed my angle of descent. I can not tell you how close I was to hitting the ground as I pulled out, I was too relieved that I avoided such a fate to bother to take measure.
Also, almost immediately afterwards I struck or maybe was caught by the local flora. I was still moving dangerously fast and shielded my eyes with my arms as I braced for the unavoidable.
I tried to brush myself clean and found my left hand wiping away blood while my right arm refused to move. At first I thought I might have been mistaken but the more I concentrated, the more I realized my own body refused to obey me. I screamed at my own traitorous limb until I noticed the bone jutting from it. Even I could tell it was broken.
I thrashed about on the ground, trying to stand but unable to. I raged at the unknown even as a certain dullness settled upon me. My world was splitting apart, I could see multiples of everything as it turned grey. I must have been breathing so fast. I did not faint though I wish I had.
Maybe it was my screaming that caught her attention or the landing had been intense enough to be noticed but Dr. Levianas who had been inside at the time came outside. Her mind raced with alarm as she called my name.
Dr. Levianas rushed to my side and instructed me not to move, applying pressure to my more dire injuries. A glance at her immediate observations told me that I had at least one case of a branch piercing through me. I might have been concust and my wings were damaged as well along with my spine. I was so fixated on my arm that I did not ponder that my legs were unresponsive as well.
Dr. Levianas shouted for Geisler and he arrived just at the edge of my vision. Dr. Levianas told him to bring her her tools. His composure collapsed as his mind spiked with implications as he complied. When he returned, it was in a rush, his normally calculated movements were too fast. I could not hear it to be sure but the way the things jangled slightly made me think he slammed the medical kit. By then, my fingers were beginning to twitch.
She began operating on me immediately. Even if I could feel no pain, I felt her terror and concern. It was draped over like a cloak but she kept calm as she meticulously tracked everything with a list of objectives in her mind. She spoke to herself, marking the objective as completed or no longer necessary as my wounds were either not as they initially appeared or my body was already healing. She thought I at one point had a cracked skull but found no sign. What was important was for her to remove the object impaling me without triggering any more bloodloss and setting my bones back into place.
That was the most harrowing experience I ever had. Not because I could have died but because of the sheer unrelenting terror my injuries brought to those around me.
After the accident, conventional needles no longer pierced my skin. They had to become creative if they wanted to draw my blood.
It has to my attention that you oddly use metal for your needles. We used what you would see as resembling the beak of an enlarged mosquito’s beak. A majority of a surgeon’s tools would be attributed to insect mandibles and other teeth with the more complicated instruments being still very much alive such as the creature that would be used to saw into my bones.
What you might have made from iron, we crafted from treated bones, wood, and chitin. We had glass. We used glass to decorate our more significant structures or contained specimens and chemicals.
Dr. Levanias proposed to Geisler the next day that they find a method to restore my sense of pain. Dr. Geisler upon inspecting my wound and how quickly it healed, was reluctant to do so. I read his thoughts, he had already tried but now that I was older, he was afraid that even if he found a way, I was too old and unaccustomed to the sensation and I might become overwhelmed. If he could miraculously give me my senses back, the first one he would have chose was hearing or smell so I would have a wider experience of the world.
In the end I was the one that convinced him to continue his pursuit of at least simulating pain for me. I actually begged him to do it. It would help me avoid further injury.
My request lit a fire in him and within a week, he reached a solution, a parasite. That was the first time I felt a warmness similar to Dr. Levanias radiate from him and it bled through into his actions. His mind was focused on constructing rather than dismantling.
By his reasoning, I still had a full emotional range, I just needed something that could manipulate those emotions. His parasite secreted an agent that triggered fear within me while monitoring my health.
He did not make it from nothing. He probably could have but similar parasite’s were used to control prisoners. The creature would induce pain in the host if certain situations were to occur. He simply bred a strain that induced terror rather than wracked my nerves.
As for how the parasite might avoid the fate of the tracking worm, that turned out to be the difficult part. Dr. Geisler spliced a bit of me in the parasite so my body identified my new partner as a part of me. Dr. Geisler had to make sure the creature was not as aggressive as my own immune system or else risk me experiencing a rather gruesome fate. In a way, one could say the parasite was my relative, a cousin or something like that.
I wanted to call him CX but unfortunately that was a designation given to one of my younger siblings that failed to be born. I wound up naming him Wisdom.
I do not think I need to clarify this but I prefer to refer to Wisdom as he. He, being akin to a tapeworm, had the traits of both a male and female but had been rendered sterile to stop the parasite from laying eggs inside me. If we needed another one, we just had to cut a segment off and a new Wisdom would be born from the detached part.
I had to ingest Wisdom while he was still in his larval stage and hope my stomach was not able to eliminate the newborn creature. If the parasite thrived too well, we would remove him through chemical treatment.
My sense could detect Wisdom as he grew within me. At first, all I could sense was his presence spread throughout my body, technically every part of Wisdom was part of its brain. However, overtime I started to sense emotions from the base of my neck.
Wisdom was normally content. Not really happy but satisfied but grew fearful when I forgot to eat.
He was an imperfect solution but as we learned from years of further study, it was among my only options for a substitute.
I imagine everyone finds fear to be an unpleasant sensation. If pain is anything like it, I am glad I am unknown to pain. I think the fear felt worst when I could not tell what caused it. Did I hurt my back, did I step on something sharp? I did not easily know.
One of the things I appreciated most was that Wisdom told me when I was hungry. I did not have to meticulously keep track of every meal I ate anymore.
Dr. Geisler became more prominent in my life after the parasite integrated into me. After each of my medical exams, he would need to examine Wisdom for any defects or mutations. We would talk while all that transpired.
As I grew older, my education grew more advanced. Basic math gave way to physics and Dr. Geisler became my tutor for such matters and competed with Levianas for the opportunity to teach biology. They settled for a shared schedule for the latter and Dr. Levianas remained the one that covered literature with me.
It is complicated to describe Dr. Geisler. For the first few years of my life, he was certain I would die. He thought I was not long for the world so rather than be protective, he was prepared to test my limits while I was still alive.
Fortunately, Dr. Aquinas kept him from going too far. Maybe I indeed might have died if I was pushed to such extremes but I have trouble imagining that. He wanted to test me, I sensed as much, but I wonder if he even would have gone through with it if I was in his sole care.
I say this because eventually he finally realized I was not about to suddenly perish in front of him. His callousness turned to pride, my every accomplishment, no matter how simple colored him with pride. His desire to test my limits remained but it became focused on letting me be the one to decide what I could or not do. He allowed me to roam freely and did not grow worried when I left his sight.
If I had any complaint, it was that he wanted me to report to him any changes or developments I might have undergone. This did not trouble me when I had a story to tell but it would be a nuisance when every now and then he would ask me questions, reviewing how fast I could fly, see if the range of my sense extended, etc. You can likely imagine.
In my later years, their roles remained the same but how they affected me reversed. Dr. Levianas was the one I needed as a child, Dr. Geisler was the one I needed as a young adult. One saw to it that I survived, the other made me thrive. Dr. Levianas’ protectiveness threatened to stifle me so it was Dr. Geisler who advocated for my freedom.
I remember how Dr. Geisler pulled me aside and pointed to his lips after I started to near the edges of the deadman's lands. He mouthed to me a number of instructions or rather suggestions. In his mind was his observation that I was young and his assessment of how youngsters tended to wander.
He told me if I had to go beyond the boundaries of safety, he recommended that I went eastward towards the Republic or “the land of the changers” as he called it as they would likely think I was one of their own citizens. If I happened to drift towards his own homeland, I should stay as high as I could in the air to hopefully remain out of the sight and range of their defenses.
No matter where I went, I needed to keep mind of the suns' positions. I would be visible if I had a sun directly behind me.
What I knew of the Republic at the time came from Dr. Levianas. While she disliked their current approach to matters, she could not find it in herself anymore to hate its people, the same people that took her husband from her.
When the war was still fought primarily with projectiles and melee, every so often the battles would halt, usually on a rare night, for combatants to collect their injured and dead. There was a mutual trust in such occasions, almost bordering on kinship she described, to rely on the enemy to not attack when might might doubt one's own brothers and sisters.
At the height of the viral outbreaks, both sides unofficially came to collaborate when the strains affected everyone. The doctors and nurses pooled their researches together to discover treatments for the horrors that ravaged their camps, even going so far at times to treat captured enemies in exchange for the enemy to do the same.
Dr. Levianas came to know quite a few people from the enemy nation, even called several her friends and hoped that they fared well.
It was not long at all after that I followed his suggestion. The people of the Republic did indeed not register me as a trespasser but I was still an oddity to them. Flight was uncommon and also there was dissent within the population. The ability to alter oneself brought the definition of humanity into question. Two major factions embodied extremes within that debate were those that melded themselves with animals so completely that the line of human and beast was blurred and those that retained their human appearance made subtle changes such as enhanced strength and intelligence or granting themselves preternatural capabilities. The former found their opponents too sentimental and unimaginative while the latter would call the other degenerates that imitated primitives creatures. I with my wings yet still seemingly ordinary body would have left both parties unsatisfied.
Observing the populace, I found that I had less in common with them than I did with the two doctors. I lacked fangs, claws, advanced hearing or smell and all the other things they had. There were a few with wings but their alterations were more dramatic than my own.
It was strange watching all these vastly different people interacting with each other. I imagined myself slipping in among them and maybe I would have fit in. I am confident I could have but the world I knew was not theirs, they had senses I could not even fathom. I would be with them but not having the same experience, I would still be an outsider, an accepted aberration but still truly not able to feel what they felt. That thought made me miss the doctors’ company and I was quick to return to the laboratory.
Just now, I think I realized something else. They chose to be what they were, there was a pride in their own creativity, to know they were of their own design and creation. I envied that, I resented that.
I eventually ceased visiting the Republic. It grew difficult to fly there and back without drawing the doctors' suspicion. The way I could go untracked was simply to leave my necklace behind but they would notice that "I" was staying still.
The Technocracy was closer. I could fly to it and back without raising as much concern and without the added temptation to join the people.
The Technocracy had not always been as its name implied. A generation before, it had been more similar to the Republic the way the not yet Republic resembled the not yet Technocracy. However, the war led to popular belief that too much creativity and inventiveness bred destruction. Something Dr. Levianas herself agreed with.
They became far more conservative in their applications of the sciences. I would think it was a Theocracy from how they so directly enforced the sanctity of the human form. It was generally orderly and patriotic but more restricted than the Republic.
I think you can understand how a republic functions. The system was changing even within my lifetime of how the Technocracy functioned. The general idea was that there were these specialized departments dedicated an aspect of life like agriculture, industry, and military stocked with the greatest of their fields to dictate policy.
The people of the Technocracy were similar to those of Republic, in spirit. They had the same troubles, desires, and worries. The like those of the Republic worked to feed their family and themselves, performing monotonous tasks they would never think to settle for. However, I think they were a bit more dower as a culture, they had a greater tendency to be collectivistic but rather than be part of a faction, they more often saw themselves as part of the nation, the limbs of a mighty beast. However, each had aspirations, they could find themselves at the top if they had the opportunity. The issue was that they were one of many, competing with each other similarly to their neighbors but under a different form of measurement.
I would say the city's mood depended on the time and location. Factories at their busiest times were generally filled with resignation with the occasional workers that still hummed and whistled and brought a smile to my face. The entertainment districts were… lively.
I had gotten quite accustomed to the typical joy and sadness that permeated everywhere and went to a new location when the rhythm of one area was making me too depressed or giddy.
I remember how I was resting at a park. It tended to be a calm place with a hint of excitement regularly coming to the forefront among the civility when one might exercise, people encountered familiar faces, and couples courted each other. I then sensed distress, a spontaneous, immature kind of distress, as if the world was ending and one would never be happy again.
My eyes opened wide and I scanned the area for danger but at the epicenter of the cacophony was a mother and child. The child lost her doll and could not find it. They were in a rush to go home so they needed to leave it behind.
I took to the air and examined the land from above. I soon enough found and retrieved it. I then dropped down from sky in front of the family as they continued to walk away to pass the doll to the girl.
The child’s mother was terrified but even as I flew away, the child remained blissfully ignorant of what I was. I felt the simple joy of being united with something that might have been lost forever as if I had been the one that experienced it. It was euphoric.
The next day, my appearance was news. I had not been thinking before but as the realization that the two doctors would hear of it dawn on me, inhaled with dread. Fortunately, Dr. Geisler tended to be the one that read about ongoing events first.
I was there when Dr. Geisler glanced through the report then looked at me, having no doubt that I matched the description. He smiled quietly and simply put the page about me in the very back before passing it to Dr. Levanias. That gave me some time to think before the inevitable discussion.
And that conversation was quick to come though without the fluster I expected. Dr. Levianas called to me softly and I joined her in the nursing room along with Geisler. She asked me if there was anything I needed to tell them and I conveyed the whole truth to them.
I expected Dr. Geisler to be a silent observer and he himself wanted to do exactly that but very soon after I told them everything, he asked me to confirm that I knew that the city I visited was hostile to one such as me. When I confirmed that I did, he seemed satisfied, confusing Dr. Levianas.
When Dr. Levianas asked him why that was all that mattered to him, he explained that I did everything I did aware of the risks involved before turning to the subject that he needed to make sure the countertracking beasts were performing their best.
That led to the subject of whether or not I was followed. Something I had come to consider many times, I could sense any nearby tracking beasts but I would not notice if I got marked by any pheromones, hence why Dr. Geisler was more concerned of potential pheromone trails than my little adventure itself.
Dr. Levianas and I argued. She was the more rational one between the two of us but I stand by with what I meant even if I would now retract some of my words. She said that I needed to stay safe and the only way I could be safe was if I remained in the boundaries she had set, boundaries she was aware I had been leaving with regularity. I said something akin to wanting to move about. I am glad I was not dramatic enough to demand my freedom but I said that if I was not able to leave, even if there were no bars, the laboratory might as well be a cage.
She demanded that I listen to her, that next time I might not be so fortunate. I responded by asking how she intended to stop me, with a leash like some pet?
With that, I saw a finger tapping my shoulder before Dr. Geisler pointed to his mouth and ordered me to go to my room.
I was shocked by this. I felt betrayed. It was Dr. Geisler that should have understood me. I felt the anger build up inside me as I prepared to say something venomous but I felt gratitude seeping from Levianas.
I was curious why and focused on Dr. Geisler’s thoughts enough to try to understand. He agreed with me but he did not appreciate my choice of words. He wanted me to be angry at him rather than Dr. Levianas and she even without my sense understood that.
They both cared for me. I knew that. From the bottom of my heart I knew that. There was no denying it for I was blessed enough with my sense to know without doubt.
I still felt angry but I pushed it down and let it seep poisonously within. I did as I was told but did it in an immature and disrespectful way. I practically ran there and literally slammed the door behind me, breaking the knob as I closed it. That only frustrated me further.
I fumed there alone for some time before deciding to use my sense to eavesdrop on them.
They discussed what they intended to do. Dr. Geisler told Dr. Levianas that he had been encouraging my behavior. I believe Dr. Levianas remained calm but while she was not angry at me, she was so with Dr. Geisler and they argued for a while.
I do wonder how loud they actually were. Their mental assessments of each other's viewpoint were that of troubled acceptance. That they knew they could not the win other but they debated for the sake of understanding.
In the end, they did not agree but at least admitted the other was not entirely wrong. Instead they focused on what they both knew to be true.
When they came to my room, I opened the door for them.
They confessed there were few ways for them to stop me if I wanted to and them trying would only make matters worse. If they had to, they could force Wisdom to make me experience unrelenting terror. They were not entirely powerless against me but they did not want to threaten me with the extreme methods that would be required to discipline me but they knew that I knew they could. I respected that. They asked that I tried to abstain from returning to that city but if I did, to at least be careful.
I chose the latter if anything at all. I feel a bit guilty now that I think about how quickly I ignored their request.
I began to fly through the city and others, including even the capital later helping anyone in trouble that I could. I at least took different routes, refrained from immediately returning to the laboratory, and used my will to brush off any spores to avoid being followed. It was difficult to trail someone who never needed to touch the ground. No matter how ideal the place, if you have thousands of people or more, there is always someone in need. I flew injured people to the infirmary, made basic repairs with my will, rescued people from fires, and brought food to the starving among other things. At first, I had to flee when proper authorities arrived but overtime rumors circulated about me and law enforcers’ typical reaction to me turned from hostility to caution. Even those authorities that hated the sight of me were hesitant to draw a weapon on me due to the popularity I had with everyday people. They did not want to risk being remembered as the one that harmed the angel. There were exceptions, those ready to attack me but I departed as soon as I noticed their harmful intent.
Overtime, my title of angel was not merely the occasional thought of those that saw me but something that even those that never met me recognized me as.
They called me an angel so often that I had to study what that meant. I found no entries on any books on biology.
I spent at least a full day rooting through the library. I floated in midair while I used my will to hold and sift through the pages of as many as five books at once as I searched for any mention of the word.
It was not until I reached a section belonging to former members of the project that made me. I found a book on ancient mythology among documents of a halfremembred history from the old world.
The name ingrained into the back of the cover was Dr. Aquinas. According to that book of legends, an angel was a messenger from above. They came in many appearances but most were horrific, beasts with the heads of different animals, a wheel covered in eyes, something with legs of fire.
I found that I lacked the qualities described in the texts.
My pronunciations of words are sometimes imperfect and maybe I sometimes speak too loud but surly I did not have a voice like rolling thunder nor a body of lightning. Nor have I ever conversed with a higher power. I was flesh and blood, the same as everyone else.
Do you have a concept of “angel?” The idea of a messenger of a deity had degraded within the minds of the populace but the vestiges survived as a mental image that matched my appearance.
It grew safe enough for me, an outsider, to report matters beyond my powers to resolve and have my word taken as truth. I fear I might have gotten too prolific, not just reacting to current crimes but bringing light to those that remained hidden and I happened to sense. Unfortunately, there were many evils that went unnoticed, it is not as if all murderers think of is murder. People have complex lives.
That is one of my regrets yet it is not. It is complicated. If I did not want to be called an angel, it was bad enough I played savior but I also was ready to pass judgement. Considering my own limits, it is possible, however improbable that I made a false accusation. I tried to make sure but I am limited to surface thoughts and there are people that might be delusional or confused.
When was it that I began to help people? It was some time after, by my terms, after the first quarter of my third year, before my birthday. By old world terms, I think I would have been recorded as thirteen years old.
I managed to do this for about half of my years or rather old world two years.
I must admit now that my motivation may have been selfish. I went about hoping to come across others in need. Heroes in legends simply happened to be when others needed them. In a way, I was wishing ill upon others.
Still, I would like to think I did less harm than good. I remember perching with someone who was ready to jump off a ledge and use my sense to remind that person everything they actually enjoyed and flew them over to people that my sense told me truly cared about their well being.
Dr. Levianas once discussed it with me when my rescues reached their conclusions and elshe said that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing but her mind was concerned. She noted that I could not feel pleasure through ordinary means so I was using people the way others might use drugs. However, she herself was like that. There was a joy in helping others find their joy, to save the life of someone who desperately wanted to live.
She was a spiritual person. She believed that pleasure was not in itself wrong that such joy was how a greater force directed us to do what was right. There were people out there that found pleasure in hurting and controlling people like certain doctors that chose their careers for the sake of having the right to decide who lived and died. It gave her some relief that even if I lacked physical sensation, I could still "feel" right from wrong.
In regards to me becoming an adolescent, it was Dr. Levanias that explained reproduction to me. Dr. Geisler was prepared to grant me a lecture but it was a sensitive matter his abrupt manner would likely only complicate. Also, we were both ladies, Dr. Geisler would never need to trouble himself with the burden of childbirth.
The conversation we ladies had was more focused on the emotional experience as whether they meant to or not, the act itself was well explained in many of their texts. Our beasts of labor were bred as well as concocted so I had knowledge.
What was interesting to me was my children, if I ever had any would not have wings. My wings were implanted onto me, it would be the same as expecting a child to inherit stitches if the sire had had a surgery. My sense might have been hereditary, we could not be sure if it was a mutation or a reaction to the operations I underwent. It remains a mystery whether any children born of me might be blessed with ordinary senses, be of the same disposition as myself, or miraculously have both. The worst case scenario would be that my lack of senses were to be passed on but my sense was left with only me. I did not and still do not want to risk such a possibility.
Indeed, I was unique. I would come and go as this thing like no other before with no one to follow after. That thought made me lonely. I knew I had no living siblings or parents to share my life's experience with, but I would have no one to relate to even in the future brought my thoughts to a dark place.
I made myself all the more active as "the angel" after learning that.
Those activities were challenged as a conflict regarding the layout of the borders between the two nations grew and skirmishes reignited. They were petty things compared to the battles of old but lives were being lost all the same.
The doctors and I had to abandon the laboratory as fights grew ever closer to us. We tunneled our way around and the two doctors both bribed and negotiated their way back into territory that was indisputably that of their homeland while I literally flew over such obstacles.
No longer being on neutral soil meant I lacked the freedom I used to. I had to be careful not to be seen or noticed while Dr. Levianas and Geisler pretended to retire into quiet lives.
I stayed with Dr. Levianas in the countryside while Dr. Geisler moved into the capital to reconnect with the founder, Dr. Aquinas. They wished for their roles to be reversed, for Dr. Geisler to be the one away from people while Dr. Levianas dealt with the complexities of human interaction but they had me to consider. It might have been simpler if they had appealed for the Republic to accept them.
Both nations had the resources to keep their people in leisure. The Republic let the people decide how to spend those resources while the Technocracy was methodical in their deployment. I passed over a few of the leaders, I have a grasp of their politics but discussing it would exhaust me the way those thoughts bored me then. What mattered to me were the people, not the systems.
Dr. Geisler and Levanias did not return to their homeland due to political leanings but due to the fact it was their birthplace. Dr. Levanias agreed with at least still agreed with the moral character of her homeland and Geisler could thrive in either. His field would be less limited in foreign soil but he could situate himself among the elite of his home if he applied himself.
For the cases of maybe someone noticing my silhouette or noted how Dr. Levianas had more fresh food than she alone could eat, I was stated to be her granddaughter. That was in case of emergencies though, there was little that could be said or done to hide my wings short of wearing a cloak.
The deep irony was that I was closer to the capital but no longer able to visit there. Dr. Levianas has been lenient at the laboratory but we were now situated in land hostile to my existence. I struggled against my own nature and habits as I tried to live quietly hidden away.
It did not stay that way for long as the local news noted my disappearance, and rumors that I had been indeed some spy that returned home now that the nations were at each other’s throats again moved me to act.
I snuck out to resume my former activities but the reactions I found were more mixed than when I was last there. Even those I was in the midst of rescuing regarded me with caution and suspicion until I began to fly away and they felt the certainty that it had been no trick. The authorities arrived armed and I even crossed paths with them but to their credit, they hesitated to regard me as hostile while I was busy saving a life.
People were afraid of me, more so than when I first started, thinking I was some enemy scout and expecting some invasion to follow. I did not feel safe nor did they, so I returned home from what I claimed to be my final such outing much to Dr. Levianas’ relief. I promised sincerely at the time that I would never return to the cities.
I lost the joy of simply aiding those of the cities so rather than visit those places, I decided to revisit my old home. I thought memories of better days would make me feel better.
Thankfully, I found the empty lab to be unoccupied by either military and I stayed there for some time.
On my way back, I witnessed the signs of battle and made my way towards the maelstrom of violent thoughts.
The two sides could easily be told apart aside from their joint lack of larger warbeasts. They had transportation creatures and a few warbeasts slightly larger than a human but no giants filled the land or air. If either side brought something as terrible as the beasts I told you about before in an act of unapologetic aggression, escalation would have been inevitable. This was a skirmish as the doctors would have insisted to distinguish it from the battles of the previous war. To me, it was a battle.
The soldiers of the Technocracy were all recognizably human, uniform and organized, using similar armaments to each other. The warriors of the Republic were diverse in shape and size and some did not even carry weapons. Some were their own weapons.
The soldiers of Technocracy were outnumbered but used the terrain to their advantage, using groundwork for cover. From what I could discern, they were a patrol that either purposefully intercepted or had the misfortune of encountering a raiding party.
Both sides were filled with the fresh hate that came with loss. Both parties had suffered casualties and were determined to avenge their comrades.
The defenders, the soldiers of the Technocracy had a dogged determination to them. The attackers were only thinking about breaking their enemy but the defenders had the occasional thought that if they failed to hold the position, their homeland would be in danger. They spared a thought about their families, their friends.
I dropped from above and flew past the technoarchs, them thinking I was just another raider making a flanking attack. I do not remember exactly what I said. I think it might have been as simple as a demand to stop as with a wave of my hand, I brushed a raider’s armcannon to the side just as it ejected its payload, making the shot go harmlessly to the side.
I lingered there for a moment. However, the one I interrupted must have been important as the warbeasts’ attention turned to me out of either protective instinct or recognizing me as a threat. A warbeast launched a barrage of spines at me. I raised my hands to cover my face out of reflex.
I looked down and saw the deadly projectiles laid on the ground. The warbeast attacked again and I saw for myself how they stopped as if deflected by an invisible wall.
Not as if. They most certainly were encountering a wall. It placed my hands forward and pushed. I willed the wall to grow wider and press on.
The ground in front of me swelled as if being pushed by a trough, leaving a path gouged into the soil where my will passed through.
The beasts opened their mouths and used other stranger parts to you to let out their individual cries of panic and rage as they encountered an unknown threat. The actual warriors were just as surprised but had the discipline to retreat.
Suddenly, fear raced through my body. I scanned my surroundings and found a large projectile embedded in my left forearm. I imagine that if I could hear or feel, I would have noticed my heart racing.
A combatant had not been caught in my push and flanked me from the side. The combatant was only recognizably human to me for his human thoughts. His body seemed a mix of reptile and ape, wide of shoulders and hips with thick arms that touched the ground for stability and a broad tail for balance. Mounted to his shoulders was a hive. Imagine all the holes of the comb were pointed in one direction and that would give you an idea of the weapon. If you have a concept of wasps, it would be like a wasp nest.
He had been confused at the sight of something like me that should have been on his side using an unknown power but he overcame his trepidations with anger.
The sight of me surviving the strike terrified him.
The projectile itself appeared to be a solid streamlined beak with a sphere at the end. The sphere sprung to life, uncurling into a wriggling mass of tentacles with sharp "teeth" I guess I should say running along the edges. The mass detached itself from the beak revealing a large suckerlike mouth at the base with teeth rotating like a drill.
It leapt onto my face. I do not know where exactly, my vision became nothing but darkness and biting tendrils. Wisdom's fear or maybe even my own terror told me I was injured even before blood started to fill my vision.
I grabbed onto it with both my hands and tried to crush it as fear turned to anger. If I threw it away, it might just come back to bite at me or others.
That I could still see it moving behind the veil of blood told me it lived. My sense told me that it did not seem disturbed by my resistance, its every impulse dedicated to aggression and hunger.
I would like to remind you that I have stronger muscles than any unchanged human but the creature did not mind. I myself sometimes forget that. I would like to think the thing was too nebulous for my hands to get around without it slipping through or maybe I had not even grabbed it, .
I applied my will, pushing with it as if it was my hands. I formed two invisible walls directly in front of me and brought them together. The thing splattered as it popped like a squeezed berry. Its impulses went silent. I preferred that silence over the aggression and hunger.
My visage was bloodied. From the descriptions I received from those around me, my entire face down to a little below my neck was covered in red and some of my skin may have been torn off to reveal muscle and bone.
In the back of my mind, I could feel Wisdom's anger nearby. A part of him had been hit as well when the beak went through.
I wiped away at my eyes to clear away the ichor from my vision. Even with it gone, I still saw red. Wisdom's primal rage urged me on but what I did next was entirely my choice, my will.
I clinched my first and punched at him. A crater formed in his chest and he coughed blood. Maybe I did not intend to hit him so hard but it was no accident.
I never hated someone so much before. He was a creature of his own making. His battles was what drove me back into hiding.
His anger receded as his thoughts went cold. His world was darkening. He was asking why. He asked why he was dying. What hit him? He asked what I was. Was I some otherworldly monster?
My world regained its color.
He died dwelling in that moment, unable to process it all. Silence was a relief. A sliver of something cold ran up my back and maybe settled in my hands because my hands were shaking.
The people I saved did not thank me. I expected, no, I wanted gratitude at that time but found none. What they felt was similar to the combatant I just killed, terror and confusion. To them, I seemed to be some berserk beast that could kill with a gesture.
I grabbed my head as their thoughts reached me. I pulled to my sense to myself but there was something still crushing me. I flew away.
As I left, I noticed Wisdom was still angry. I massaged the base of my neck and that seemed to sooth him.
The fact the fear Wisdom fed me was starting to dissipate meant my wounds were already closing with little trouble.
I wondered why those I supported, despised me. I dwelled on the fact that I was an enemy to everyone. I knew what they thought of me but they were ignorant of my intentions towards them. What I would trade for them to have my sense.