How deep does blood run?

I wouldn't have ever been able to find the words to say but this is a letter to my father.

Am I confident enough to put it out?
Am I confident enough to say what I need to say?
Maybe I need to let it out so I can understand the pain.

My father, I dont have the relationship most daughters have with their father, or would love to have with their fathers. I am not daddy's little girl, I mean I would like to believe I was once but like they said to me 'I grew up too fast'

How different things would be if I had the love I needed from my father, a smile faked so easily, laughing at his jokes because I force myself too. Its hard but I keep reminding myself, other people have it worse, I cannot be selfish.
Oh but the agony is real, everyday getting yelled at, being called a disappointment, he once told me I was replaceable. Here is to all the girls whos fathers broke their hearts before any guy could. I wont lie its very hard to write something so personal that makes me vulnerable but with writing you have to access that vulnerability, so I am going to access mine.

I have never really been open about being an insecure person but I am ready to write my truth. My whole life I have dealt with insecurities, how I look, my weight, height, face, capabilities and things as such. I have never really been able to identify where I got that from or maybe I was just too scared to accept it. Being told your whole life that you're not good enough, that you will never make it, that I was ugly and below average form the other kids, I grew up believing those things were true and I guess I never stopped. Its hard to have a father that could look you dead in the eyes and tell you those things everyday and keep reminding you that you will never be enough. I am replaceable, he once told me and I live my life everyday knowing that.

Such bad incidences have occurred to the point where I can only feel pain when calling him dad. I look at him and I am reminded of the reasons why I am who I am; so broken, so wrong, it scares, even thinking about wanting to fix my broken pieces. I find comfort in the pain but it mostly just drives me insane.

I have taken a step today by writing something so personal but I can say I am proud because I have never been so honest before. It is going to take time, time to find myself in all that I have lost but I am going to be patient because I am not going to allow myself no matter how much it hurts to be defined by who my father claims I am.

And before I forgive my father I have to learn to forgive myself.


To the girl my father allows himself to see
Goodbye.