What Would I Do?

         Sometimes when I walk through the apartment, I notice that it smells like you. And to me that smells like home.

         I wasn't asking for this when we met. I was just hoping for a friend. And you are, a friend, don't get me wrong. But you are so much more than that too.

         You are brave and kind and you apologize for existing because you want to make people smile. You are empathetic and anxious and you are beautiful and smart. And if I had known when I met you that I was going to fall in love, the only thing I would change is how long it took me to jump in.

         At this moment, we have been friends for less than two years. Yet it is easier to count the days we've been apart than the time we have spent together.

         You've become more than a best friend. You've become more than a sister. You have become more like a part of my soul, an integral part of who I am.

         We have become more like twins than anyone was expecting. And to lose you would be to lose myself.

         Neither of us are perfect. Our relationship isn't perfect. But I wouldn't trade a day for anything in the world. The good have made us better and the bad have made us stronger.

         You are caught in a fight for your life. And that day I woke up and you were in the hospital was one of the worst days of my life. I was worried about you, of course. I was worried. Yet selfishly, I was worried about myself too.

         With you, I can just reach out a hand and find you. You're never far away, even when you are, and you're always there when I need you. Even when there are thousands of miles between us, I feel like you are next to me. If you disappeared, who would be there when I reached out?

         Selfishly, I want to protect you from the world. Hide you away so nothing bad ever happens. But bad things could still happen.

         You have a battle going on inside of you and there is no aid I can give. I am an innocent bystander and all I can do is watch.

         Selfishly, I am angry that I love you. Because all I want is to see you happy and the world is cruel and not always forgiving and I am angry that the world would be so mean to someone so kind.

         Selflessly, you try to hide your pain. You hate it when others know that you are suffering.

         Selflessly, you want to protect those you love but you do not love yourself.

         Selfishly, if I lost you I would lose myself. Because as much as you struggle with addiction and pain and anxiety, I love you. I love you for being strong and supportive and kind.

         Oh so kind. You give up pieces of yourself to anyone who meet. And all I want to do is run behind you, picking the pieces back up.

         Sometimes I walk through our apartment and want to cry because there is evidence that you have lived an epic life that has barely begun. A life that you chose to let me be apart of.