What i wouldnt do for you.

today I realized a lot of things about my self that still has me puzzling and second guessing myself. I randomly talked to a guy today for a bit at work and seemed to see myself If I was a guy. maybe not as bad but still bad enough. He seemed too share a lot of the same things I've done or felt in similar situations, I noticed that maybe I really can be the issue and the one real reason I loose ben. I know that is the bottom last thing I ever want to happen as I already know I wont be able to handle it. To be honest if I ever lost him or do id rather be dead then really know what that would be like to go through. I've never let my self love or feel any kind of emotion cause I'm scared shitless of the control that gives everyone else. Control being how they look at me, what they think of me , and what they can do with what exactly they know about me once I talk to them about anything. The way I live now is lonely and on guard all the time but it keeps me protected at all costs. I don't talk about me do not share anything in my life or my day, don't talk about my problems or anything that is wrong. I bottle so I don't annoy others, so they can not judge me, and so they cant hurt me with the information I give them later or use it against me. See I am always watching and waiting for things to go wrong as they always do in my life and I try my hardest to avoid them at all costs. I try to avoid making friends or going to gatherings. I avoid being near and close to my family as being sick makes it awkward to do anything, as I either disappoint them or don't live up to there standards. or just so far off the radar I'm completely a stranger in my own family's home. I do like family and get togethers just honestly I rather have my own happy home. A beautiful farm prince charming at my door. white picket fence and my horses and as many rescue dogs I can rescue and rehome. I care more about animals as they never intentionally hurt anyone like humans do, I really would rather give them my undivided attention then anything else on the planet. Meeting Ben was the best thing that has ever happened and could very well be the worst as well. See on a good note I really get to find myself and be happy with the one potential match and hippieness I'm ever going to experience in my life time. The bad note is I'm forced to see my self for the first time in years. I am forced to feel and unravel everything I've refused to deal with, locked away with no intention of ever caring about again. It scares me but at the same time is really good for me. I am terrified to feel and let him completely in as I don't know what the world has in store for me or him or us in general. and I am scared once I face all this shit ill be alone and I would somehow have managed to push him away, or bore him to death for him to up and walk away and leave me. I know he's strong and he is aware of most of my past and my sickness and he's still here I get that. but my way of thinking is that people can only handle so much and deal with so much. and I am not the average person I deal and go through so much, that I am a hole inside a dark hallway of nothing. I am scared that once its all out and if I cant be fixed or fix myself and or I don't change that will be the end and he will leave me. Its literally all I can think about. The more things go good and the more I feel or think or see. the more I fear ima loose him. he will walk or find someone better then me that suits him better. I am trying and know matter how hard I try not to think about anything bad there is always that same voice in my head saying what if. I can not shake it. We could be having the best day ever and I am thinking what is going on in his mind ?, can he truly be in to me?, does he really love me?. Words get thrown around so much lately I am not sure. I know he has love for me and he is great, he is there for me, and will do anything to make me smile. But what is love? is it the feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when they are around? the pain when they are not around or leave completely and just gone? Who decides these feelings. and how long do they last. Its so hard to grip reality when I have no idea what my mind and heart are doing, as they are never on the same page ever. I really just want a family of my own a real family. Not a broken home not separated parents or fucked up relationships. I have really had enough of that bullshit and cant take anymore. if I cant have that then I really want to be done with this world. Call it a cliché
or whatever but I am 100 percent serious. I am so fed up with trying over and over giving more then a hundred percent giving all there is in me, and failing miserably. I need this to work with him. I do not even know how long I have left but I want my dreams at least to become my reality. I want to deserve to be happy and actually love the last bit of time I have left. Is that asking to much ? seeing how my entire life I've done everything and anything to make those around me happy, while ignoring myself and being miserable. So what is exactly the meaning and point of life? love ? pain? both ? family?, Is there even an exact reason or is it just there and just because?. I have so many questions and yet no answers. And the answers I have I do not even know if they are the real ones. I just want to be happy. I think lately its like I was never going to be or supposed to be. I love my man to death I just want to be the best I can be and avoid loosing him. I just do not see any guaranteed way to keep him and live happily ever after in my own dream fairy tail. I want it to be realistic but I know deep down the wants and reality of my life are completely different things and its rather upsetting. I just do not have the answers I seek and it kills me to know what I want and what is can be different things in the blink of an eye and there is nothing you can do about it, know matter how hard you try. So this being said here is a poem for you to see if helps take the rest of what I feel on my mind.


What I wouldn't Do for you.

dedicated to BEN RUCK

What I would do for you has no limits,
As long as it keeps us side by side
safe in your arms where I don't have to hide,
Where I can think but swallow my pride.
I'd give up life in general
If it would save you or set you free,
Id give up everything you want and more,
To be yours and have you with me.
Having you in my life has made me see,
there is so much hidden deep within me,
so much know one seems to know,
But with you the real me finally shows,
There is so much more to me know one knows.
You have changed me for the better,
without trying or wanting to
the love inside burns deep for you,
makes me realize my feelings too.
I am stronger being around you,
made me more open and fragile its true,
Just hope one day I get to marry you
And learn to love and grow with you too.