Afarid.

I am starting to think that I am actually completely not normal. the way I deal with things see things and act on things. I'm believing I'm completely insane. I do not know what is wrong with me lately , but I find myself obsessing of ways I want to die. The only thing keeping me on track and sane is my bf. Today I started a new job and it was a complete total nightmare. I don't know if its the staff the people there or just the simple fact the way its run. felt like I was a escaped mental patient from hell. The care there they receive is appalling to say the least. I hate to admit it with how far I came till the other day, I sat thinking about the fastest easier ways to die. I don't know if its my mind playing tricks or the will to live is slowly loosing its meaning. I am afraid to think afraid to speak my mind and quite often afraid of my shadow. There is lots of things I more then likely should talk about. But for some reason I cant seem to. I am scared to let him in more then he is now. and I am worried what I cant control. I cant control my emotions or feelings toward him they grow stronger by the min, of everyday. I cant control the love I feel for him, and the more I feel the less dark side of me I see. I am not sure who I am anymore. once lost now found. the rest buried underground. so much more deep inside just waiting for him to reach inside and pull the rest of me out. He loves me I know this is true. but loves me for me or cause its a contract lately has me wondering. If he wasn't training me would he still love me and be here. how much of this is real and how much is it a contract. I tried to step back a bit and see what's going on but I'm lost and confused still of how much I really mean to him. The thought of waking up to him each and every day warms my heart and soul. I couldn't want it any other way. I love him so much the thought of loosing him is the sharpest pain ive never felt. I wish I could turn my mind off freeze my world and make it all go blank. stop my self from thinking, stop myself from dreaming. I am terrified one of these days I wont wake up. my dreams are out of hand I wouldn't even call them dreams or even nightmares. more like night terrors. I cant turn them off know matter what I do im always wrong. I have seen things that feel so real that I wake up and can barely breath. I cant tell if its fake or real. I don't admit this often but I am terrified of my brother in fact starting to think, if the drug use continues I mite be the one person that drives my brother to commit murder. the way he is so off balanced and in rage lately makes me wonder , what I can even do to make him feel at ease with him self. My bf latterly my only salvation and as much as he's my safety blanket I don't want him to drain because of me. he wants me to open up and talk, and terrified my mind and my self would be too much for him to handle. I would loose him to my train of thought. I am trying to find me but at the same time trying my hardest to be the girl he needs and so desperately wants. Although he wants me to be myself I just don't see that being good enough ever. I feel like I've tied him down kind of like a baby but worse. Almost like ive mind fucked him being so damaged he is almost smothered in my issues. it kills me to know that he could have it so much better with someone else. but would kill me to loose him. is it wrong for me to want someone I really don't deserve. ?. I don't mean to put myself down in anyway. but in fairness he deserves the world. A great beautiful girl he can spoil have fun and grow old with. I wish I was that girl and im trying my best. but the end of the day I am a damaged, broken lost case that many guys before him put out to the curb like garbage. and I pretty much feel that useless. I have nothing to offer that men care about, I'm not sexually experienced, I am not pretty, I am not tiny or have a nice anything body, I have a I don't give a fuck attitude. I don't have any idea to fix all that has been put on me. I would give the world and anything I could to merry a guy like Ben. But truth is the more I think about it and dream the more I see him as a prisoner. almost like I hold him hostage cause he cares so much to see me happy, he wants and sees the need to fix me. I will never be good enough to be who he wants and out of love I want to give him that and more. my mind is willing to bend over backwards and do things I don't want to knowing it makes him happy and would please him. that being said I need my brain and body to understand and be able to do what my logic thinking is agreeing to. My mind is a mess and all over the map. so much going on I'm spinning and draining myself. I want him to own my heart my body mind and soul. I want to be as one inside of him. I am wondering weather to put my self threw pain once again. finally electrify these dreams and stop my self from dreaming maybe even permanently this time. I cant take it anymore. I even have flash backs during the day now I freeze and envision shit. I am scared to sleep. jump at every noise. although I know and would like to believe my bf would never hit me or abuse me in anyway but cant help but jump at his every fast movement. The damage is so deep and real I don't think it will ever let me live or be the real me. I want to show him what he seeks. truth is I don't even know the real me. some days I sit back and look at life, not having a childhood at all I tend to have kid things daily. that being said , I wanna jump in puddles, fly a kit roller blade its crazy but true. I see my self missing out on so much things ive never got the chance to do as a kid that I want to do them now. I wonder daily if I embarrass him or make him feel weird that sometimes I cant help but at like a kid. whine when im sick get sucky and want nothing but to cling to him and not move. I often wonder what he thinks and how he would react to a lot of things. I really at the end of the day know idea what I am who I am or why I am even here. somedays I really wish my mom would have kept her legs closed and gave no life to me. Harsh I know. but fuck. no real child hood no life no dreams just misery ,rap and a controlling family from hell that's abusive as fuck and no way out of it. you can never please the insane even if you to become insane. so when does the pain end. I don't even think being dead would end it. my luck it play like a record in my head even in the ground. know that I've written yet another book all over the place in this fucked up brain and mind of mine. I guess its about time to go to bed have yet another night terrier and wonder what my purpose really is, and who I am supposed to be. cause clearly being me is never enough and it really will never be enough.

nite peeps/.