Hollow

WARNING: The following material may not be recommended for those going through depression as it may contain triggering thoughts spelled out into words. I wrote this with regards to my own mental relapses I had in the past. This was a rap I wrote, but again, I do not have the voice or equipment to record this or compose an instrumental track for it.


Verse 1
I thought I was done with this
"Self help." There must've been something I missed?
Friends? Family? Love life is fine, so...
Tell me why I still feel like I'm livin' a lie.

Not particularly mad or sad at the moment...
Shame of the past? 'Bout time I owned up to it.
Confusion. Seclusion. Building more delusions
That my so-called "progress" was just an illusion.

No that can't be true!
I know everybody sees it!
And I see it too,
Why do I still feel this way?

Everybody's standing present
Meanwhile I'd be standing
Outside myself,
Not a thing to say.

It's like 2 steps forward
And 10 steps back.
I'm fine 'til I'm pulled back
By anxiety attacks.

Not this shit again!
When will it come to an end?
Why is it easy to hurt,
But so much harder to mend!?

I'm sick of being tired,
Tired of being sick.
Y'know this isn't something simple
That I can "just fix."

"Smile more,"
"Get out more,"
"See my friends more,"
Got two words for you:
I TRIED.

Chorus
Oh... I feel so Hollow
An empty shell,
A shattered soul.
Silently screaming,
"Am I even worth saving?"
Hollow... hollow...

Verse 2
My father left us (I'm not sad)
The next one beat us (I'm not sad)
The next one used us (I'm not sad)
Pause. Rewind. Play. Repeat.

Beat up at school.. (It's not that bad.)
Been ridiculed.. (It's not that bad)
Always abused.. (It's not that bad)

"No really, I'm fine," I say,
But why do I cry
Myself to sleep every night,
Trying to stay out of sight

As I fight
With myself,
Convinced that
I don't need help.

No I can't let it show,
I can't let anyone know.
How did I get this way?
What would my family say!?

What if I'm letting them down?
I'm sorry,But I guess it's come down to this
Not like there's anything about me that the world would miss
Can't stand to show my face!

What if I was just erased!?
Perhaps I'd finally be
One less thing
To worry about [flatline heart monitor sound effect]

Chorus
Oh... I feel so Hollow
An empty shell,
A shattered soul.
Silently screaming,
"Am I even worth saving?"
Hollow... hollow...

Outro
I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough
I'm sorry for not fighting hard enough
I'm sorry that I tried to run away
And leave you all behind

[heartbeat]
I promise that I'll try to ask for help
[heartbeat]
I promise that I'll learn to love myself
[heartbeat]
I promise not to make you cry again
[heartbeat]
I'll stay... [steady beats on heart monitor until fade out]