Fight

I just want to fight something.

To be honest I really just want to fight something.

I want to fight the people that I'm around every day, the people that piss me off on a daily basis, the people that I hate from afar and I can't get close to.

I want to fight the rules in my life that hold me back, the guidelines I live by that sometimes I compare to bonds, chains trapping me in my own black hole, the one I've created by myself, that I exist in by myself, that I will die in by myself.

I want to fight what I see in the world, on the news that only shows more negatives, seemingly worse and worse every day: shootings, schools and otherwise, plastic in the oceans that kills animals, immigrants detained at the border simply just because they're trying to escape, to keep themselves and their families, children who never did anything to deserve this, safe. I see people less fortunate than I am, or I was, when I didn't want to fight. I see them fighting to live, to be liberated, to pursue happiness like the founding fathers imagined, but held back by the gender gap or racial inequality or the missed opportunities that they missed because of how or where they were born.

I want to fight the politicians who say they'll change it, say they'll make it the way they see it best, and then they do nothing. They procrastinate, they create useless conflicts with the opposite party, they engage in scandals, they make calls to Ukraine. Or they pass laws that hurt innocent people and make sure they get off scot-free, rich and contented.

I want to fight verbally, I want to fight physically, I want to rage against something and fix it. Fix it, or help it, or get rid of it for the better. I'm sick of just sitting quietly and letting myself be the shy one. Letting myself be the nice one. Letting myself be the smart one. I'm so incredibly sick of this shit. I want to let it out instead of bottling it up, keeping it in, not being able to stand up for what I believe in. Whenever I try, I trip over my words, I stutter, I hesitate, I repeat "um" over and over, and I can't. I can't. I can't.

Most of all, I want to fight myself.

I want to fight how I cry when I'm frustrated at not being able to talk in front of other people. I want to fight how I can't make friends with anyone unless they're sitting alone, and even then they'll leave me. They'll find other friends, they'll be okay. I want to fight how I draw, I want to fight how I write, I want to fix everything I can't do in the worst ways. Usually I wish I was someone else, someone other, someone better, someone who wasn't so goddamn pathetic all the time.

I just want to fight something.

To be honest I really just want to fight something.