A Stray Fort or Two

A Stray Fort or Two

They've got this gecko on the telly over ‘ere an’ the fing wot I don't unnerstan’ is e's got a Lunnun accent, see, so ‘e torks like this. Nah, not yer bleedin’ Cockney-apples-an’-pears-ow's-yer-muvver-Dick-Van-Dyke fing but more like yer jenral rest of Lunnun speak. An’ wot I wanna know is ‘ow ‘e gets over ‘ere an’ wot the ‘eck the yanks fink of ‘im. I mean, can they unnerstan’ a word ‘e says, ‘ey? It's nice for me, sorta brings back memories an’ orl, but wot were the advertising geezers finkin’ of when they give ‘im that accent? Fing is, it's the real fing, they musta got some Lunnuner to do the voice, it ain't like that Outback Steakhouse one where the feller's tryin so ‘ard to sound like an Ozzie it's larfable. The gecko's spot on. Maybe they ‘ad some geezer workin' for them, like the sound man or the lightin’ git, an' ‘e was from Lunnun an’ that's wot give them the idea, I dunno.

An wot's ‘e torkin abaht? Car insurance, that's wot. ‘Ere's me in the backside of Massachusetts and this gecko wiv a Lunnun accent's tryin’ to sell me car insurance. An’ it must be me ‘e's torkin’ to cos I'm the only bleeder in a million miles ‘oo can unnerstan’ wot ‘e's torkin abaht. It's like you decided to go live in the jungles of Borneo an’ then you bump into that Alexei Sayle git an ‘e's singin ‘Ello, John, got a noo mo’or? Just makes me fink, that's orl.

I mean, I can unnerstan’ why they use a Brit accent to sell fings over ‘ere but there's accents and accents, innit? Take that geezer wiv ‘is cyclone vacuum cleaner f'rinstance; ‘e comes on an ‘e's tellin’ them orl about ‘is clever system wot sucks better than any uvver an’ it's all in this ‘oity-toity-posh-Queen's-Inglish-that'll-tell-‘em voice, an’ it's no wonder it sells ‘oovers, the yanks luv that kind of fing. But Lunnun? That friggin gecko's straight outa Eastenders I tell yer.

Oh, an’ there's this one ad for air cleaners an’ they say "approved by the British Allergy Association" as if it's some sorta big deal an orl. Fing is, ‘oo's ever ‘erd of the British Allergy Association? But the yanks luv it, they fink it really means somefink.

An’ that's anuvver fing: 'ow come in the movies the Brit's orlways the bad guy but ‘e's worth listenin’ to if ‘e makes an ad? It don't make no sense. If the geezer's a villain, ‘oo wants to know wot ‘e finks of car insurance or ‘oovers? ‘E's a villain, right? So ‘e's only gonna sell you a bleedin’ lemon. Wouldn't be no point uvverwise.

But it's orlright to be Scottish or Irish. There's that Connery git an' 'is "My name'sh Bond, Jamesh Bond" an' Mel friggin' Gibson wiv 'is Scottish accent froo an Ozzie filtah an’ they're fine, they're the good guys. But the poor bluddy Inglish, they orlways come over sinister like. Wot's that orl abaht then? ‘Ow come we're okay to make telly ads but the minit we get in the movies we come over orl bad an’ orl? Racism, mate, that's what it is, racism.

But still, that bleedin’ gecko cracks me up. Musta taken a wrong turn at the 'Ammersmiff Bridge and wahnd up in America. An ‘ow many geckos did you see the last time you was in Wappin’ or Tootin’ Beck? Not exackly crawlin’ orl over the place, are they? The only friggin’ gecko born in Lunnun an’ the yanks get 'im, I dunno.

Word Count: 611

Author's Hint: If you don't understand it, try reading it aloud.