Scum Surrogates

Scum Surrogates
By
Xavier Damon


Cast of Characters

SURROGATE 1, a man
SURROGATE 2, a man
SURROGATE 3, a woman

Setting: (A room. Nothing noteworthy about it.)

At Rise: (SURROGATE 1 and SURROGATE 2 stand on the stage, talking.)


SURROGATE 1: I feel I must make an observation.

SURROGATE 2: What is it?

SURROGATE 1: We swim in shit.

SURROGATE 2 What? Well of course we swim in shit. Why it is our job to swim in shit. We are shit swimmers after all.

SURROGATE 1: Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t complaining. As I said, just making the observation.

SURROGATE 2: Well it was an observation that really didn’t need to be made. We swim in shit. We consume shit and we spit the shit back out so that we may fill the heads of the people with shit. That is our purpose. That is what we do.

SURROGATE 1: Yes, of course. Um, but, tell me, sometimes my brain is so filled with shit it gets clogged and my thoughts get cloudy. What is the reason again we do this?

SURROGATE 2: What is wrong with you? It is to praise and defend the giant mound of shit we work for who we are tasked with protecting and who we serve.

SURROGATE 1: Who we serve. Do we serve him shit?

SURROGATE 2: No we do not serve him shit. There is no need for us to serve him shit. Shit already comes out of his mouth everytime he talks. His heart and mind are also already complete shit. So help me he’s in every way full of shit. It is our job to serve shit to everyone else and hope they eat it without realizing it’s all just shit.

SURROGATE 1: So then we’re shit servers and not shit swimmers?

SURROGATE 2: We are both shit servers and shit swimmers. What is wrong with you?

(Enter SURROGATE 3.)

SURROGATE 3: What is this shit? Why aren’t you out doing the shit you are tasked with doing?

SURROGATE 2: We were only momentarily taking a breather to discuss some shit. I assure you we will get right back to our duties.

SURROGATE 3: There isn’t time for this shit. Your job is to go out there and defend the giant mound of shit we all work for so enough of this shit and get out there and do your job.

SURROGATE 1: Wait, having a moment of clarity here. But, is all of this, and all of us just shit?

SURROGATE 3: What? We are the shit that the giant mound of shit demands we be to try and keep him from ending up in even deeper shit than he is already in.
(turns to SURROGATE 2)
What the hell is going on here? Is he not a team player?

SURROGATE 2: No, don’t worry, I assure you he is.

SURROGATE 1: No, no, it’s not that at all. It’s just there are times I get a bit confused about what it is we’re actually doing here but I promise you I am still on board, though it’s sometimes unclear what that board even is or what is actually true.

SURROGATE 2: Fool, don’t you know, truth isn’t truth.

SURROGATE 3: We’re dealing in alternative facts here.

SURROGATE 2: We’re swimming in the shit.

SURROGATE 3: We are the scum surrogates and it is our job to spread shit.

SURROGATE 2: And let me tell you by this point we’re all covered from head to toe in shit.

SURROGATE 3: And it is our duty to find a way to put the best spin on it so people can’t see through our shit. And when the shit really starts to pile up the only course of action is to throw out and add even more shit so that we overwhelm them with shit.

SURROGATE 2: That is the shit that we do.

SURROGATE 3: And the shit is really starting to hit the fan so if the two of you don’t get your shit in order you are going to upset the giant mound of shit we work for and trust me you don’t want to upset that giant mound of shit because then you will have to deal with his shit.

SURROGATE 1: But it’s just that there is so much shit going on and everyday there’s some new shit and it’s very hard to keep up with all the shit.

SURROGATE 3: Bullshit What is this shit I’m hearing? Are you telling me you’re not up to the task?

SURROGATE 2: Don’t give me that shit.

SURROGATE 1: No it’s not that. It’s just, well he has made some glaring missteps, obvious lies, concealing, destroying evidence, other unmistakeable crimes. I just don’t see how we are going to be able to provide cover for all that shit.

SURROGATE 3: We will cover that shit as we always cover the shit, with even more shit.

SURROGATE 2: It’s the shit that we do.

SURROGATE 3: We are the scum surrogates and it is our role to praise and defend the giant mound of shit we work for no matter the shit that he says or does.
(phone rings)
Hold on.
(pulls out a cell phone and answers it)
Yes, hello sir...I understand sir...Do not worry, it will be done sir...Goodbye sir.
(Hangs up and puts the phone back in her pocket)
Oh crap! The giant mound of shit we all work for just called and said he did a bunch of shit that has put him in even deeper shit.

SURROGATE 2: Oh shit.

SURROGATE 3: We really have our work cut out for us now to try and distract people so that they don’t see this new shit.

SURROGATE 1: So what do we do?

SURROGATE 3: We have to find a way to create a misdirection so that they will focus on some other shit.

SURROGATE 2: So, what’s the problem? That’s nothing new. We do that shit everyday.

SURROGATE 3: Trust me, this is some really big shit. It isn’t going to be that easy. Quick, ideas.

SURROGATE 2: Well, let’s see, if what we have to do is direct people’s attention to something else, we need something really big, really powerful.

SURROGATE 3: Yes, yes, obviously, but what specifically?

SURROGATE 1: Well, how about a war, nothing rallies the masses and commands people’s attention like a good old war.

SURROGATE 3: Hmm, I think you’re onto something but what is the war we will highlight as the real problem, the truly important thing people should be thinking about instead of the shit he has done.

SURROGATE 1: How about?
(thinking)
I have it. How about the war, on Christmas.

SURROGATE 2: Ooh, I like that shit.

SURROGATE 1: We’ll say to the people, don’t you see what’s going on here? It’s an assault on the North Pole where the liberal armies are trying to kill Santa and hold a bonfire orgy as they feast on reindeer meat while Frosty the Snowman is tied to a cross in the middle of the bonfire until he melts away into nothing and all that is left is a puddle, just like the puddle of your tears you shed because they stole your childhood and your dreams.

SURROGATE 2: And just like that, abracadabra, with a poof of shit the questions disappear. And we tell them the giant mound of shit we all work for is here to save Christmas. All the liberals want to make it a capital crime to say Merry Christmas where anytime you say it they can drag you off and kill you with a firing squad.

SURROGATE 1: We tell them that’s the important stuff we should be talking about, not that other shit.

SURROGATE 2: We have to save Santa, how can you even think of talking about that other insignificant shit when Santa’s life is in danger?

SURROGATE 1: Pay no attention to that other shit. Focus on the real problem.

SURROGATE 3: Hmm. That is some very powerful and convincing shit. Yes. I really like the way that sounds. But, there’s just one problem.

SURROGATE 2: What?

SURROGATE 3: It’s fuckin February! We can’t make people focus on the war on Christmas when Christmas is ten fuckin months away!

SURROGATE 1: Oh yeah, I didn’t think of that shit.

SURROGATE 3: A very good idea I would say it was except in terms of the current situation that idea was complete shit! We need something else, something that will help with right now to get out of this shit. We need some different shit.

SURROGATE 2: Why don’t we just tell him to bomb Iran?

SURROGATE 3: Hmm, bomb Iran. I see absolutely no way that could lead to any problems. I will pass that suggestion along. Any other ideas?

SURROGATE 2: Well, something else to play on people’s fears I think would be good. Nothing can distract attention like fear can. But what specifically can we use to make people scared so they forget about all the actual shit?

SURROGATE 1: I have it. We make them think there is an invading force attacking the country. We’ll say there is a rampaging army approaching the borders. We’ll describe them as the largest invading force in all of history, filled entirely by cut throat killers and the most dangerous people to ever walk the earth. We say if everyone’s focus isn’t put on them there will be barbarian hordes storming across the Southern border who won’t stop until they have achieved their ultimate goal, taking control of all lakefront homes in Minnesota.

SURROGATE 2: We’ll say even Genghis Khan never conquered the lakefront properties of Minnesota for he was nowhere near as ruthless as this invading force will be. They will be unstoppable unless we drop all other shit and only focus on this shit. It is without a doubt the only issue of any importance and no one can waste their time or effort on any of that other shit. We tell the people this issue is without a doubt the greatest peril the country has ever faced.

SURROGATE 1: But do you think they’ll actually buy that shit?

SURROGATE 2: More importantly, do you think he will go for that shit?

SURROGATE 3: (confident look, nodding)
Yes. I am sure the giant mound of shit we work for is going to really go for that shit. Alright that’s the shit we will use. Get on it. First though let me call the giant mound of shit and fill him in.
(pulls out her cell phone and calls)
Yes, hello sir. We have come up with a plan. We will distract the people by redirecting their attention to the problem of the immigrant armies massing at the border who seek to take over the country...Yes sir, I thought you’d like it. We talk only about that and I’m sure everyone will completely forget about all the questions surrounding you...Yes sir...Yes sir. It will be done. Oh and you should consider bombing Iran...Goodbye sir.

SURROGATE 2: What did he say?

SURROGATE 3: He said he loves it. He said make the focus on building a massive wall to keep the invading forces away. He said demand the billions and billions of dollars for the project and if they refuse he’ll shutdown the government if he has to, to save and protect us from this crisis and imminent threat.

SURROGATE 1: Wait, shutdown the government, that might create some animosity in the populace. I mean that could have some serious consequences and cause a lot of damage. It would certainly cause problems in terms of the workers directly affected at the very least. They’re sure to feel some serious pain. What does he have to say about them?

SURROGATE 3: He said, let them eat shit.

SURROGATE 2: Well, if that’s what the giant mound of shit we all work for wants us to do then it will be done.

SURROGATE 3: Get right to work on it. He said no matter how bad public opinion may seem do not waver or give an inch. Stick to your guns and let that be the hill you die on if that is how it must be. He knows in the end he will win everyone over and they will agree with him and forget all about the other shit. And he knows, when all is said and done he will be proudly standing atop that hill as the victor, and atop that hill of shit he will stand and he will have won.

SURROGATE 1: Man, we come up with some good shit.

SURROGATE 2: Hey, we are shit swimmers and shit servers.

SURROGATE 3: And boy can we shovel some shit.

SURROGATE 1: No matter the situation.

SURROGATE 2: No matter how indefensible it is, we will defend it.

SURROGATE 3: With our dying breath if we must.

SURROGATE 1: It’s what we do.

SURROGATE 2: It’s who we are.

SURROGATE 1, 2, AND 3: We state it with pride, we are the scum surrogates.
(pause)
Well, o.k, pride wouldn’t really be the word I’d use.

SURROGATE 1: Maybe something else.

SURROGATE 2: I don’t know, loyal.

SURROGATE 1: We state it with loyal?

SURROGATE 2: Ok loyalty.

SURROGATE 1: Dedication maybe.

SURROGATE 2: We’re dutiful.

SURROGATE 1: Duty-full.

SURROGATE 2: But we are loyal foot soldiers who will defend him no matter what and always put ourselves out there to protect him and always praise him no matter what he says or does.

SURROGATE 3: Who will always defend and protect and praise no matter what he says and does,
(gets a queasy look)
he being a giant mound of absolute, complete and total shit.


SURROGATE 2: (Embarrassed)
Oh yeah, that.

SURROGATE 1: (Embarrassed)
Hmm.

SURROGATE 2: (Embarrassed)
Yeah.

SURROGATE 3: (Embarrassed)
Um, let’s face it here, we’re all really full of shit.

(SURROGATE 1, 2 and 3 uncomfortably
look back and forth at each other.)

SURROGATES 1, 2, AND 3: (Unenthusiastic)
We’re the scum surrogates.
(awkward pause)
Yay?

(Blackout)

(The End)