Senate Passes Bill Fixing Word "Colonel"

         

Congress Passes Bill Fixing the Word "Colonel"

         Washington, D.C.-- Just this morning the House and the Senate came together in a bipartisan fashion to fix the spelling of the word "colonel." From now on the word will be spelled "kernel" that's K-E-R-N-E-L-- the same way as a popcorn kernel. In a joint statement from the chairs of the Armed Services Committee, Senators Inhofe and Reed had this to say, "in no way does this bill equate a popcorn kernel to the thousands of brave men and women who are serving in our military right now. The goal of this bill is to fix something long overdue."
         While there was much bipartisan support for this bill, outside self-interest groups such as Dictionary.Com and the Merriam-Webster dictionary lobbied against the change. A spokesperson for Merriam-Webster said, "Words make us safe. We cannot just go around changing the spelling of words when we feel like it that would be communism. We need more words especially in our schools."
         This change will likely alleviate much stress from fifth graders around the country whose spelling tests are this Friday. Here in D.C., a local sixth grade boy said, "I wish they passed the bill last year. Mrs. Johnson would always mark me off for spelling it wrong." It is never too early to understand the inefficiency of our government.

         Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented on the bill saying, "There wasn't much else to do here in Washington besides repeal measures designed to protect patients with preexisting conditions and pass unnecessary tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans."
         Senator Elizabeth Warren from smarty-pants Massachusetts voted "present" due to the overwhelming amount of elitist academics working in Massachusetts universities such as Harvard, MIT, and Boston University. With her upcoming run for president she does not want to anger the constituents within her home state. She released documents dating back to her time in college which shows her spelling "colonel" in the traditional fashion.
         The bill was originally brought to the house floor by none other than the rising Democratic star, freshman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She is set to publish a list of words whose spelling needs changing such as, alcohol, conscience, and handkerchief. The name of this bill will be called the New Grammar Deal, or NGD. She also advocated for combining both "affect" and "effect" into one single word because no one actually knows the difference between the two. Former president Barack Obama praised this decision by tweeting, "Words should be spelled how they sound." The tweet instantly went viral receiving over one million retweets in twenty-four hours.
          At first, many republican lawmakers thought this was another move towards making America a socialist country. Senator Rand Paul said, "this is just another move by the left to undermine our democracy. I fight for the constitution which contains words many of which are big words." After Senator Paul actually read the bill, he quickly changed his mind and said, "I am a supporter of liberty and people should have the liberty to spell words however they want. I mean, this is America after all."
         
Newscasters said, "fuck it" and gave Sarah Palin some screen time to talk about the GND but her interview was cut short after
After a long day of cable news and cheeseburgers, President Donald Trump is set to veto the bill just for fun despite the overwhelming bipartisan support. This morning the President took to twitter to say: