Waiting for it

I have spent most of my life looking for someone to love me. I certainly never found it in the father that didn't want a daughter, nor a mother who didn't want a child, nor in the friends that seemed to have only kept me around out of pity. These were presumptions of course, the depressing thoughts of a lonely teenager. But they rocked me, and sent me on a search for something more. Doesn't everyone just want to be loved? Surely it is not just me.

I have had my fair share of messed up relationships and bad decisions. Dating the bad boy because, just like me, he needed to be loved. Or falling for the guy that couldn't even love himself, which in turn brought me down too. Failing at finding someone is just what I am good at. It is a craft learned from watching my mother. All her failed attempts lead her to be bitter and angry, drinking herself numb until the end. And that is the last thing I want for myself.

So after the bottle finally took her from me, I was left alone and wondering. Maintaining a relationship became my ultimate goal. Find someone that would make me happy, someone that would love me. That is all I wanted. Until life knocked me down one to many times, and I just gave up. I quit trying to find someone to love me and just tried to love
myself.

Life can be unpredictable, you know? One minute you are doing good for yourself, maintaining a steady job, steady friends, steady life. And the next you are on a whirl wind adventure with a potential and promising love. Crazy, right? I wasn't looking for anything anymore. I was just working on myself, trying to steer through life as casually as I could. I had a small group of friends I loved being around and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. My job kept me busy, no one can feel alone when you work in a school; there is always someone there. At the time I thought it was a good life, now I see that it was nothing. My life had become nothing.

That is until someone decided to change that. It wasn't me, I hadn't made the decision. Someone else had. And now, sitting here thinking about everything that happened, I am so glad he did. He changed my life, made it so much better and brighter. Made me believe in love again, made me want to live. Michael, you made me want to live.