computer rants on my blog

Computer Rants

I have had a love-hate relationship with computers and with Microsoft for years. I often plead with my computer to just do what it is supposed to do rather than screwing up, giving me endless error messages and in general Fucking with my head.

So, about a year ago, I started writing these poetic rants down and sending them to Microsoft. They have not yet responded.

Here then are my Microsoft rants for your pleasure.

Dear Microsoft - Why I Left You

Dear Microsoft

I have left you for good. I wanted to let you know why in vain hopes that you will finally take the time to fix the many problems plaguing your software. But since you never respond to my emails and your on line forums are not that helpful I doubt it will make a difference.

I left because your products are so full of bugs and errors that I has become increasingly hard to tolerate. They have always been problematic but for some reason it has gotten worst.

I left because Excel was becoming so unreliable that I could not stand using it any more.

I shifted to Google docs and have had no problems at all. The docs work every time and has some features that are better than Excel including for example the ability to add or delete multiple rows or columns rather than having to do it one row or column at a time.

Excel has consistently given me three different annoying errors. First, every fifth or sixth entry I encounter an error saying that there is a circular reference. When I clicked help it suggested that I inspect the cells to find the error and remove it but when I tried to search for it I could not locate the error and realized that I would have to manually inspect each cell, a prospect that would take hours to accomplished and I don't have hours to spare. I tried copying everything into a fresh new document that did not work. The error still occurred. I opened a brand new document and with in seconds the error popped up despite the fact that I had not entered more than two cells and there was no circular references anywhere.

Well, this has been a chronic but annoying error. But it was not the reason I left.

The reason I left is that about two months ago, when I tried to import some data into Excel I encountered an error message saying that no more fonts could be applied. Then I had to press okay and the error would repeat, until it would go away after ten or twenty times of pressing okay. Once I pressed okay 400 times before giving up.

I frequently had to reboot my entire computer to solve the problem.

And of course that meant that my work would be lost because the auto save button is always grayed out and has never worked once.

Another problem is that Excel would frequently go into Not respond mode. Sometimes I would have to close the spreadsheet and re-open it.

Whenever I open excel for the first time, I will often get five to ten versions at once and I will then have to manually remove each open file.

I have also had problems with Word. Word also opens multiple versions whenever I open it for the first time. Some times, it takes twenty minutes to open and clear out the multiple versions.

Microsoft word also randomly not responds just like Excel.

And Word also sometimes fails to save documents. The auto save button has never worked.

One week I kept track of all the errors I was having and calculated that Microsoft Word had a 60% error rate and Excel a 50% error rate meaning that 60 percent of the time when I opened Word I encountered an error minor or major.

Finally, Microsoft dictation does not work. Usually I have to click windows H shortcut five to ten times to get a stable connection. And then when I do the dictation program provides gibberish for every other word. If I am lucky I may get a sentence or two in clear text.

It is hardly worth using and I have given up on it. But on the other hand it has led to many delicious found poems which I have shared with her and posted on my blog.

So, for these reasons, I am finally giving up on you.

I would love to receive a response but won't hold my breath.

Thanks

Jake Aller

Microsoft How I Hate You

published in Lotus Eaters Magazine

<a href="https://lotuseatermagazine.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/lotus_eater_mag_issue_61.pdf" rel="noopener" target="_blank">lotus eater magazine</a>

For thirty years I have had the Microsoft blues

For thirty years I have had a love hate relationship

With my damn computer

I love it when it works as it advertised

I love it when the internet is fast and furious

I love it when my emails work

My Itunes work and my word works

But all too often

All I get is grief

It starts with the error messages

Written in a strange haiku like language

That only computer geeks understand

Things like

General Failure reading disk drive

Begs the question who is this General Failure

And why is he reading my disk drive anyway?

Or my favorite

"Not responding" as the computer freezes up

For no apparent reason

Other than to fuck with my head

Sometimes my computer can't find a printer

A printer that is connected to the computer

And one that they found five minutes ago

And the dreaded blue screen of death

That appears randomly

Dumping memory somewhere

And killing my computer slowly

As I watch in real time

Powerless to stop

How it eats all my work

That I have failed to back up

One day I counted how many times

I ran into computer errors

70 percent of the time when I open Microsoft

Something goes wrong

Sometimes I want to shoot my computer

Put it out of its misery

As I curse up a blue storm

The computer looks at me

With an evil grin

It continues to fuck with my head

Nothing but silence from it

And all the other computers in the world

They smile knowing that they have tortured me

Yet again

Mission accomplished.

Computer Blues (revised)

Sometimes I think

My computer is plotting against me

And only me

Trying deliberately to drive me mad

My computer knows when I am busy

Then it throws a hissy fit

Refuses to boot up

Crashes constantly

Looses data that it had the day before

Or five minutes before

Or refuses to save the data

Just fucks with me

As it loves toying with me

Making me yell and scream

At my damn computer screen

Cursing up a blue stream of blue curses

As the blue screen of death

Marches across the dark blue screen

Smiling at me

As I beg it

To do what

it is supposed to do

Just once I beg it

Do what you are supposed to

Open the document once

Not twenty times

Do not not respond

In endless loops of opening

Not responding refusing to close

Until I respond to the error code

Please Mr. Computer

Quit playing games

Play my music

Don't wipe out the sound

On the fifth attempt to play music

Don't take an half hour to load Microsoft products

Don't freeze up on opening ITUNES or Groove or Spotify

Don't give me computer haiku error messages

That only make sense to computer geeks

Such as general error reading files

Who the ***** is this damn general

And why is NSA reading my files

Or can't save the file

Or can't save the an open file

When it just did ten times in a role

And in Microsoft excel

Refusing to move the cursor

Just freezing in place for a moment

And all the other gobblygook messages

That pop up every five minutes it seems

As the computer slowly drives me mad

Flashing the final insult

User driven mad

Mission accomplished