King Drumpf

King Drumpf

By

Xavier Damon


Cast Of Characters:

KING DRUMPF

HEAD ADVISOR/VOICE INSIDE HEAD, the head advisor to KING DRUMPF, he is also though the voice inside the head of KING DRUMPF.

MESSENGER

EGGDAR, (A very large egg looking person. A very limited role)

MESSENGER 2

FIRST AMBASSADOR, (very limited role)



SETTING: (The throne room of KING DRUMPF. There is a throne that faces a large T.V.)

AT RISE: (KING DRUMPF sits on the throne, watching T.V and eating a cheeseburger. Also on stage is EGGDAR who sits atop a wall near KING DRUMPF.)


KING DRUMPF: Head Advisor, come in here at once

(HEAD ADVISOR enters.)

HEAD ADVISOR: Yes my liege

KING DRUMPF: I wish an update on the situation.

HEAD ADVISOR: Well my liege, I am pleased to announce that the situation has taken a downward turn and is spinning irrevocably out of control.

KING DRUMPF: You are pleased to announce that are you? Well, I agree, pleasure should indeed be its own reward. So then, the details, um, summarized, please do not bore me with the details.

HEAD ADVISOR: Well, the citizens of sector 9 who had been protesting your rule have actually broken into a full out riot against the kingdom.

KING DRUMPF: A riot you say? I see. What is the nature of this riot?

HEAD ADVISOR: It is a laugh riot my liege.

KING DRUMPF: A laugh riot. Please, tell me all the details, and please, do not bore me with the details.

HEAD ADVISOR: Well my liege, they’re all just walking about the sector and laughing.

KING DRUMPF: I see. This is concerning. When the citizens were protesting against the kingdom that was one thing, but now they are just walking around and laughing and I have this grave concern that when they are doing so, they are actually laughing at me. This cannot be allowed to continue. Dispatch the strikeforce to sector 9 and instruct them to wipe out all who are taking part in this insidious riot.

HEAD ADVISOR: At once my liege, and, if I may be so bold as to say, you are without a doubt the smartest, bestest ruler to ever grace the planet with your presence and we should all be eternally grateful to be able to share the same air your wondrous lungs breathe because you are in no way whatsoever a moron child who is easily manipulated by any who know this and will in a false, grotesque supposed deference display of your leadership, tell you how great you are.

KING DRUMPF: Yes, yes, I am great aren’t I. Very well then, give the orders to shut down the protesters in sector 9.

HEAD ADVISOR: At once my liege.

(HEAD ADVISOR exits. MESSENGER enters)

MESSENGER: My liege, I have come to you with a letter that is of the most consequential importance. I do not myself know what is the nature of the letter and I was instructed that no matter what, it is to be read by your eyes only, that absolutely no one else was to view its contents under any condition.

KING DRUMPF: I see, very well then, that does seem important. Please then
(gestures with his hand to be given the letter)
Please read it to me.

MESSENGER: But, my liege, I was commanded that it was to be read by your eyes only, to the extent that if even it was I who read it I would then be put to death for violating the order. It is for you alone to read my liege and so I now present to you the letter so that you may read it in privacy.

KING DRUMPF: Well it will be heard by my ears only. I think that is an entirely sound compromise.

MESSENGER: Um, apologies my liege, but is that not Eggdar the village Idiot sitting just a few feet to your right on that wall so it would not in fact be heard by your ears only.

KING DRUMPF: Oh please, Eggdar can’t understand what anyone is saying. He’s an idiot. He’s just this guy who is always sitting around on walls. You have nothing to worry about in terms of Eggdar.

EGGDAR: Oh noooooooo!

(EGGDAR falls off the wall and dies.)

KING DRUMPF: Um. Well, except that. Tell me, do you think there is any chance we will be able to put him back together?

MESSENGER: No my liege, I do not believe that will be possible.

KING DRUMPF: Well, then you really have nothing to worry about in terms of Eggdar. So just read the letter for me and please, tell me all the details but just don’t bore me with the details.

MESSENGER: My liege, my apologies but still I am not permitted to read the letter so I must instead hand it to you so you can read it for yourself. I’m sure you understand.

KING DRUMPF: Oh Jesus Christ. Head advisor, come in here at once.

(HEAD ADVISOR enters.)

HEAD ADVISOR: Yes my liege.

KING DRUMPF: Will you please kill the messenger here and then read to me the letter he holds in his hand.

HEAD ADVISOR: By all means my liege. Killing is the food that feeds the rotten soil so that all the corpses can rise from the ground and stalk the earth to feast on the brains of the living to create a new tomorrow.

KING DRUMPF: Yeah, yeah, whatever, get on with it will you.
(HEAD ADVISOR pulls out a sword and kills
MESSENGER then picks up the letter.)
Very good, now kindly read for me the letter.

HEAD ADVISOR: (reads)
The letter says, My liege, we have become aware that one of your advisors is actually a homicidal maniac who cannot be trusted and you cannot believe a word he says for he secretly harbors ambitions to murder everyone, even yourself, and to bring the kingdom down and so bring an end to your rule and society itself with a cataclysm that is the winter portion of a theory of civilization called the fourth turning.

KING DRUMPF: Hmm, hmm, why thank you for delivering to me the contents of the letter. You know, I’ve always liked you. You are without a doubt one of my most loyal and trusted associates.

HEAD ADVISOR: Why thank you my liege.

KING DRUMPF: But that letter was quite disturbing indeed. There is someone out there who secretly harbors. I mean, I like boats. Boats should not be secretly harbored. They should be out there in the open, out on the water so that I can see them and they can make me happy. Oh my, we must put a stop to this. We must find the location of this secret harbor. Also, get to work on determining who this person mentioned is for I fear he may possibly have sinister intentions.

HEAD ADVISOR: At once my liege.

(HEAD ADVISOR exits.)

KING DRUMPF: I am like really smart aren’t I?

(HEAD ADVISOR enters. He is wearing a very fake
beard and is now VOICE INSIDE HEAD.)

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Oh my liege, but they don’t think you’re really smart do they?

KING DRUMPF: They don’t?

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Oh no my liege, they think you are a fool, a buffon, an ignoramus.

KING DRUMPF: Wait, they think I’m an anus.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Um, well that’s not what I said, though I suppose it would be accurate because they do think you’re full of shit. But what’s more, they think you are an idiot. They think you have the mind of a child. I am here to warn you, to protect you from what those other mean people are saying about you. I am on your side and your side alone my liege I assure you.

KING DRUMPF: Wait, who are you by the way?

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: I am you my liege.

KING DRUMPF: You are me? Why that’s impossible. You’re nowhere near as good looking as I am. You’re not the most handsome man to have ever walked the earth.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: No my liege, I do not mean I am you as in I physically embody the most perfect body there has ever been. I mean that I am you as in I am the voice within your head.

KING DRUMPF: The voice in my head? But, I’ve seen the voice in my head many times. It looks much better than you. She’s got a great body and gives me cheeseburgers when she tells me how great I am.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: These are very ugly times and that is why the voice inside your head has itself become so physically ugly to you. Make no mistake, the kingdom stands at a precipice and if the right choices are not made it will tumble into an abyss from which it cannot recover. I am the voice within your head here to counsel you so that the kingdom can be saved.

KING DRUMPF: Well, so then you are the voice within my head and I understand now why it is your appearance is changed. It is due to the seriousness of the situation. So then, voice within my head, I must ask you a question, and I ask this question with the utmost concern. Do you have a cheeseburger for me?

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Um. Here you go
(hands a cheeseburger to KING DRUMPF
which KING DRUMPF starts eating.)
But, my liege, I am speaking to you to warn you of the danger the kingdom is in and how it might fall victim to the threat and by it even your rule would be brought down.

KING DRUMPF: Wait a second, my rule could be brought down? Please, tell me all the details but just don’t bore me with the details. How do we prevent this?

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Well, my liege, to prevent this atrocity you need to do everything I say.

KING DRUMPF: Anything, this can’t be allowed to happen. Just tell me what I need to do.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Well my liege, what you must do is

(VOICE INSIDE HEAD whispers in KING DRUMPF’s ear.)

KING DRUMPF: Alright, I see, it will be done.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Very wise dear liege. You have made the prudent decision to listen to the most intelligent voice there has ever been, your own, for you are the smartest, bestest, most bigly superest person there has ever been and a really cool dude.

KING DRUMPF: Well then, thank me, thank me very much, I did a wonderful job here in service to save my rule and I should hold a parade for myself so that all of I can show appreciation for myself.

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Indeed my liege, that you should definitely do. But I must be off. Farewell my liege.

KING DRUMPF: Yeah, bye.
(VOICE INSIDE HEAD exits)
Wow, I didn’t realize the kingdom was in such danger. It’s a good thing I consulted my most brilliant and trusted advisor, myself. Now I know the correct course of action to solve the problem. Nothing could possibly go wrong now. You know, I feel like any danger has been lifted and I can breathe a sigh of relief. Ahhhhhhh! Oh look, I was right. My normal voice inside my head is back. That just proves that any threat to my rule has been taken care of. Hey baby, I like the thong. Voice inside my head, love it when you wear the thong. Oooh, a cheeseburger. Oh yeah, the kingdom is officially saved. All hail the king.

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)
__________________________________________________________
(Scene 2)

SETTING: (The same except the bodies of MESSENGER and EGGDAR are on the stage.)

AT RISE: (KING DRUMPF sits on the throne, watching T.V, eating a cheeseburger. MESSENGER 2 Enters.)

MESSENGER 2: My liege, sector four has been destroyed. All the citizens are dead, all the buildings are burned.

KING DRUMPF: What? How did this happen?

MESSENGER 2: Um, my liege, those were the commands you gave.

KING DRUMPF: Oh yeah.

MESSENGER 2: My liege, I have to also inform you that sector six has been destroyed and all of its citizens killed.

KING DRUMPF: What? How could this possibly have been allowed to happen?

MESSENGER 2: Um, my liege, it is what you ordered to have done.

KING DRUMPF: Oh yeah.

MESSENGER 2: My liege, I must now also inform you that sector 7 is in heaven.

KING DRUMPF: Ahh, that’s better. So sector 7 is in heaven. Well then, at least sector 7 is doing well.

MESSENGER 2: Um, no, sorry my liege, sector 7 is not doing well. Allow me to clarify. I said sector 7 is in heaven because sector 7 is dead my liege. They were really all very good people in sector 7, so, you know, I’m sure they’re all in heaven now.

KING DRUMPF: Everyone from sector 7 is dead?

MESSENGER 2: Yes my liege.

KING DRUMPF: How? How could this have possibly happened?

MESSENGER 2: Um, well, my liege, it is what you ordered to have done.

KING DRUMPF: Oh yeah.

(HEAD ADVISOR enters)

HEAD ADVISOR: My liege I am here to inform you that all the remaining sectors of the kingdom have fallen and all the people living in them are now dead. The entire kingdom is in flame. There is no way to save it.

KING DRUMPF: Oh man, this stinks. I don’t understand how this could have been allowed to happen.

HEAD ADVISOR: My liege, it is what you instructed to have done.

KING DRUMPF: Yeah, I know, but I did everything the voice inside my head said to do and it told me it was the only way to save the kingdom. This can’t be true.

HEAD ADVISOR: My liege, the kingdom has fallen. All is lost.

KING DRUMPF: Damn! This is terrible. It doesn’t make any sense. I mean I’m the smartest and greatest king there has ever been. And I have the best ideas and only I know how to solve the kingdom’s problems.

HEAD ADVISOR: My liege, I am afraid there is nothing that can be done at this point. You see my liege there are four cycles, seasons if you will, that determine the course of a civilization. Those cycles are growth, maturation, entropy, and destruction and we find ourselves within the thrall of winter, destruction, a cycle or upheaval where all of society must collapse for a renewal, a season brought about by a charismatic, brilliant figure who masterfully manipulates world events and will be remembered as a legendary genius who changed the world forever, who future generations will always look at in awe of his brilliance, praising him as a God. Not at all seeing him as some horrific looking sea creature, drunk, who hasn’t bothered to shower or change his clothes in six months.

KING DRUMPF: But what is there I can do?

HEAD ADVISOR: Suicide my liege, I am afraid it is the only solution.

KING DRUMPF: Suicide? Are you kidding me? I meant what is there that can be done to stop this fourth cycle.

HEAD ADVISOR: Oh my liege I am afraid there is no way to stop it. It is a necessary season of change that cannot be prevented.

KING DRUMPF: There has to be some way. Fine, all of society might have to crumble and burn but there’s no reason I should have to die as well.

HEAD ADVISOR: No my liege, it cannot be stopped. There is nothing else that can happen but for all of society to burn to then be reconstructed with a new beginning. The kingdom as we know it is at an end, as is your role as king. For the benefit of history and future generations it is the only way.

KING DRUMPF: There may be nothing I can do to save the kingdom but I still have things to do, important things.

HEAD ADVISOR: Such as what my liege?

KING DRUMPF: Well, I have a lot of T.V to watch and there are cheeseburgers to eat. No, I won’t do it.

HEAD ADVISOR: So then my liege, is it my understanding that you will instead just sit around eating cheeseburgers and watching T.V as the kingdom burns?

KING DRUMPF: Yes, that is my decision. Strong leaders have to make strong decisions.

HEAD ADVISOR: Very well then.
(to MESSENGER 2)
Messenger. I regret to inform you that the kingdom has fallen. I warned you this day might occur and you know what must be done. Now then, the cyanide capsules.

MESSENGER 2 (Somber): I understand.

(HEAD ADVISOR and MESSENGER 2 take out cyanide pills
and put them in their mouth and fall on the ground and
writhe then are still. KING DRUMPF shrugs and just sits
there watching T.V while eating his cheeseburger. After a few
moments HEAD ADVISOR raises his head and spits out the
pill then pulls out the fake beard and puts it on, then stands,
again becoming VOICE INSIDE HEAD.)

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: My liege, my liege, you know they’re talking about you behind your back. They’re making fun of you. They’re laughing at you my liege.

KING DRUMPF: Wait, who are you?

VOICE INSIDE HEAD: I am the voice inside your head, and I see what is really going on. And I see them laughing at you. They think you are a fool. They’re laughing at you my liege, laughing!
(laughs wildly)
Do you hear them laughing my liege? They’re laughing at you, laughing.

(laughs wildly)

KING DRUMPF: Oh dear God, make em stop! Make them stop! Please! This is horrible
(VOICE INSIDE HEAD still wildly laughing)
Oh please help me. This is awful, terrible. This is a nightmare. I beg of you, please make it stop!
(VOICE INSIDE HEAD still wildly laughing)
My kingdom...for a cheeseburger!

(FIRST AMBASSADOR enters and looks about the stage
VOICE INSIDE HEAD removes the fake beard.)

FIRST AMBASSADOR: The sight is dismal.

HEAD ADVISOR: And let me speak to the yet unknowing world How these things came about: so shall you hear Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts, Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters, Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause, Even while men's minds are wild; lest more mischance On plots and errors, happen.

KING DRUMPF: (watching T.V. while eating a cheeseburger)
Will you two shut up. I’m trying to watch T.V here you know.

(BLACKOUT)

(THE END)