A Typical Week for Mulligan Hostetler.

I was abducted by aliens last Sunday. It was a horrible experience, let me tell you but that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about Randy.

He killed someone last Saturday.

That's right.

Randy killed a waitress the day before I was abducted by aliens.

He got real mad when she spilled hot coffee in his lap at this local diner.

The waitress, whose name was Michelle, didn't mean to do it, it just sort of happened.

Kind of. You see she lost her footing when an there was a big aftershock.

You heard right. There was an earthquake.

A big one that happened Friday night.

Two nights before I got abducted by aliens.

You see it was a massive 10.0 on that there Richter scale thing.

Split the whole state in half and opened up a chasm that went all the way down beyond the crust of the earth and into the mantle.

Or so I've been told.

I wasn't there for that.

What happened was I left town on Thursday to visit my ex-wife who had suddenly become possessed by the ghost of Andy Dick.

You didn't hear?

Andy Dick died on Wednesday when a balloon filled with meth, crack, cocaine, and powdered bourbon ruptured in his lower intestine.

This happened at that airport that had been taken over by terrorists.

If I recall correctly, that happened Tuesday morning and it ended later that same day.

It ended because the world ending plague that started in Europe back on Monday finally hit the airport and killed all those terrorist.

So yeah.

I was abducted by aliens.