It's Lonely in Here

The alarm clock sang, it's time to get up again. The pain rushes in and it's time for the day to begin.
One foot at a time I put my feet on the floor. Maybe today it wont hurt, at least that's what I was hoping for.
I stand up and forget to go slow. My world is now spinning, I tell myself "just breath, you'll catch your flow".
I handle my toiletries while I am still trying to catch my breath. It's ok this has got to be better than death.
I move on by telling myself "it's just pain". Gotta keep on moving, there is always more to gain.
Still trying to catch my bearings, I get the kids off to school. I want to scream at the world, but I'll just look like a fool.
It's like my bones are being crushed from the inside out. But Amanda you look fine without a doubt.
You don't look sick, what are you like 30? Yes, I know but my entire body is hurting.
It stays in my feet, takes over my spine, this is just pain, I said I would be just fine.
My hands, my feet, they feel like they are on fire. This is not what I wanted out of life, there is so much more I desire.
That rash on your face, did you get into something? No it's just my body fighting with it's self over nothing.
Huh, you asked me to do what? I'm sorry I forgot. This brain fog really makes me feel very loopy and what not.
My kids 1st steps, the tiny moments shared, I cannot recall them, and it makes me hurt and scared.
I'll cook dinner today, let's see.... simple and easy! I only have to read the directions 4 times to make it pleasing.
You look fine to me, your too young for all of this. Tell my body that while it's having it's fun throwing it's fits.
Oh wow! Did you spring your ankle? No, it's the Lupus that gave me this exaggerated cankle.
Weekly appointments make me feel embarrassed. Then if a doctor don't believe your treatment is the barest.
New doctors look at you like your crazy because they don't understand. You deal with this everyday, so you know first hand.
Speaking of believing, how about trying to explain this to your family. Now your a burden and they don't think your doing all you can be.
Go work out more, drink more water, they tell you you don't care, because you forget. Meanwhile, you feel like living is becoming a regret.
These antibodies inside me just ripping and tearing away at my soul and my body. Who would of thought I already have my very own hobby!
There are only so many times a person will listen when you say your not feeling good. Trust me, believe me, I would change it all if I could.
It's lonely in here and sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy! But I fight it because this is the way our God has made me.
Don't leave your friend or family member alone in times like these. It's no one's fault they have a disease.
Being alone in this is the worst feeling ever. The best fight in this is definitely one that's done together.
The chronically ill person is not the only one who feels alone. It's also the husband or wife making it all come together on their own.
The only way to stay up is by lifting each other. Times like these are the hardest and you truly need one another.

Amanda Johnson
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