My Troubles...

         Recently, I went through a traumatic event and dealing with the aftermath. I just got out of an abusive relationship an' dealing with daily life I once was in before my relationship. He who shall not be named did some horrible things and planned out to have myself get paranoid about my life. The reason I'm writing this on here is to let out my paranoia and let people know, no matter what you go through, you are strong enough to keep fighting. I am fighting daily now with my paranoia and PTSD to have my future I've always wanted.
         One of my friends look me in the face and said if they were me, they wouldn't even step out the house anymore and said they were surprised to see I didn't go evil or something. What they said to me is always in my heart because now I can see that I am strong and hellbent on living. I did change and took some of my ex's words to live by, but I didn't allow that asshole to control me and my feelings anymore.
         Sadly my paranoia is always breathing down my neck, even now as I write now, that one of my other ex's is reading this as I type. For that person, I hope he has a life and realize there's more to life than crime and shit. Well, that goes to both of them actually. They might've caused everything in my mind to go a 180 but I still hope they'll have a better life. No matter what I'll have feelings for them but I know who they truly are and won't go back to them. I just hope they'll find themselves happiness. That is the difference between them and I. They don't have that empathy or sympathy like I do and care for people. I admit that I don't have those feelings sometimes and all but it's rare when I do. That's my depression btw.
         What truly hurt the most during those recovering time, the ones were I was really really bad, was the moment where I realized everything happening around me. I've had up to four or five people manipulating at once and they truly fucked me up. In the back of my mind I knew something was up with he who shall not be named and maybe that helped with the pain but facing up to it was heartbreaking and soul crushing. I had panic attacks after panic attacks, and even to this day I can't sleep in my room because I saw my death in there. I saw my life play out in front of me and surprisingly, I stopped it from truly happening and I'm living. No one truly saved me, I saved myself and just had support.
         If anyone who's reading this is going through a rough time, please reach out to someone and know that what you're going through is just a chapter of your story and you deserve happiness. Everyone does. Depression, anxiety, paranoia and other mental illnesses can be a blessing sometimes and a curse, but if it gets to the point were it feels like a curse and you want to get rid of it, reach out and get help. There's always, always someone who'll want to help and be there. I understand not trusting someone but all you need is baby steps and you'll get to the top and conquer your curse and turn it to a blessing.