For Heather

Right now-
I've got a tombstone
Resting
where my heart use to beat.
I've got dirt....pressed up against it.
Right now-
the funerals over,
It’s been over for sometime
It's been weeks and-
People don't grieve that long
-Not truly.
They have stopped coming by
to leave memories
and tears.
They haven't checked to make sure
Everything
is in it's perfect place.
Right now-
I am as alone
as I'll ever be.
People can't grasp being this empty,
Feeling this gone.
So they have stopped coming.
My body is still made up of bones
My skin still looks the same
My outside appears to be perfect;
But my insides
They shake at the thought
of keeping this up.
You should never have to maintain your own grave site.
But lately-
he doesn't understand that
Every word buries me deeper.
I just need some color,
Some beauty for a change.
So I've been leaving my own flowers,
Trying to make myself
believe
I can get through this
holding my own hand.
And he hasn't wondered
if i'm coming back.
I don't think he's noticed i'm gone.
I've tried to not let him realize that
he's laying next to a ghost
and that he's only cuddling bones.
That my soul lays 6 feet under
that my soul isn't here.
I can see his eyes wanting ask mine
why they don't shine like they use to,
And mine are wanting to scream
For god sakes-
this isn't just my burden
I am not the only one who had to bury
The things that we loved.
But he never asks.
We dance around discussion
It's too uncomfortable.
All the while
I can feel the dirt and the stone.
I've never felt more contained,
Locked inside myself.
My ribs are iron clad cages
She tells me
it's okay to crumble.
It's okay to let myself
Shatter completely
Til there's only small shards of
who I once was
It's okay to unsew my side
crawl out of my skin
for just a little while.
I don't want to.
I want someone standing there
to catch my rubble
To unsew me
To help me let go
But I am just alone.
And I know I shouldn't depend on
her or him
I shouldn't let myself believe
I'm not strong enough.
I just want the sheets in my bed to
hold me a little while longer.
I just want my tears to cleanse my face.
I want my insides to stop reminding me
My mind to stop asking
what it could have done
differently.
I just want to be selfish
For someone else to leave flowers for a change.