Not Today A**hole

Not Today A**hole
"You want to leave me, do you!" I screamed at my boyfriend as he walked towards the car. Ever the gentleman, he turned and flipped me off.
He heaved a heavy sigh, "What don't you understand about that Lisa? I've found someone new. I promised my girl that I would leave you!"
He never cared about promises, what was this lie he threw like a dart? I yelled my accusations hoping he would feel the guilt puncture his ever-fickle heart. Though I didn't love this man, his behavior has still atrocious. I needed to get revenge if my honor was worth a damn. I boiled and stewed as I screamed, until I came up with a devilish plan. A plan so smart, so cruel that I was surprised it had crossed my mind. This was Texas baby, and this boy was a bit behind. This would surely leave he and his mistress in a bind.
"Well," I exclaimed, with a twinkle in my eye, "You win and you can leave without a fight if only you come to my company dinner tonight."
He acquiesced quickly and went on his way to work. I climbed in my own vehicle and followed the cheating jerk. All day long fantasies played in my head. Bewilderment would surface first. No! Maybe horror with eyes bulging; looking as if they'd burst.
At 5:00 sharp I made my get away from my desk to put my scheme in play. I put my hair in curlers just as that devil walked through the door to say, "Let's get this over with. I don't want any more delay."
"Of course, dear if you say so," my plastered smile said. If only he could see the thoughts going through his head.
Of course when we arrived, my coworkers greeted me at the door, "Hello girls! This is my husband have you met before?"
"I don't think we've had the pleasure!" they chorused all in time together. My now ex-boyfriend looked at me at me displeasure on his face.
"Are you crazy woman? Someone needs to put you in your place."
I shrugged and led him through the crowed, trying not to laugh out loud. Phase one was complete and he was none the wiser. Phase two would take place over appetizers.
Old Man Management puffed out his ample chest and gut, asking, "Might I ask who is this strapping young buck?"
"Of course, you may sir." I replied with glee, "This man is my husband you see."
"A lucky man if I ever did see one. Now I must be off good luck to you son."
My ex was fuming now but I was aflutter, "What are you up to. We are not married you nutter."
I feigned remorse and looked him in the eye, "I'm sorry, my mind is awry! I forgot that I was never your bride."
"Fine, but can we make this go quicker?" He plead, "My girlfriend's at home and this is making me miss her."
My mask almost slipped and man did I almost swing, but there was only one more thing to do before I got the ring. I took his hand and marched him down to a group of people all sitting down. I cleared my throat and introduced him once more.
"Good evening, this is my husband whom I simply adore."
He was enraged as I had expected, but I was composed and perfectly placid. I'd done it again and that makes three, so now in Texas, he was legally married to me. He could shout all he wanted. Say he wished I had died.
All that I said was, "Is that any way to speak to your bride?"