MY WORLD

LIVING AS ME



I can't say my life has been an easy road but with the strength I get from the people close to me has helped overcome all the challenges that I faced, there were moments I wanted to give up, but I couldn't find the courage to do it. I had to live my life not being a nuisance to anyone not realizing that I was destroying my life, I would smile and laugh just to show I was okay ,but deep down I was aching I would wish that someone would just give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay without asking anything. But as I have grown up I have come to realize that if I continue to do that am going to lose the people close to me, so I took I step and decided to start saying whatever was on my mind and what was bothering me, but I felt like I was pushing them away instead of keeping them close, sometimes I wondered if I did the right thing or them knowing more about me was actually the worst thing I could ever do. Am actually a cold person but sometimes it's really hard for me to bear the struggles or challenges ahead of me that I find myself wanting to cry but for some reason I can't. I keep telling myself that am strong and I don't need to shed a tear in order to feel better, but when my mind and heart are not in sync at all I end up crying, though I feel better later on, I can't but think if am weak when I cry or am just human and I have to accept that sometimes I have to release whatever is making me struggle. Ever since I was young, I didn't share my struggles with anyone I'd find myself in the middle of challenges and I couldn't dare to ask for help or advice , and through those times is when I'd start talking to God and asking him to enlighten my way. I was never confident of myself that's why I couldn't trust anyone's words when they would tell me they were on my side, trusted me or loved me. I guess I can say that i had low self esteem and i didn't realize that i had to trust and love myself first .


When I was young I used to wonder when I would grow up, because of all the things that would happen in our house .I remember the days that my mum would wake me and my sister up in the middle of the night to go and look for our fath,because my dad had other women aside from my mum and sometimes he would even go and rent houses to live with them,now there were moments that she would lash out at me for the mistakes of my father, because I resembled him a bit. For me I couldn’t understand why she was doing that, I sometimes wished that they wouldn’t be living together because of all the things and words I heard when they would, but being an introverted person I couldn’t share the worries with my elder sisters because we were not so close to each other. As time and years went by things were getting tougher and my parents would fight a lot, but one thing they didn’t realize was their fights were affecting as a lot. I guess most parents don’t realize as they raise kids, that the environment where children are raised in matters a lot. Some children tend to come out as they have seen their parents do or some come out differently, and become better partners. Sometimes my dad would pack his this things and disappear for a month or two, because he always trusted my aunts words a lot, he would believe them when they would tell him that they found a good paying job and a good wife to give him a son. As we were only girls, his family always pressured him to have a son, but God’s plan are always different than ours. He would go and work at their restaurant as a waiter and when he would come to his senses that’s when his family would cross his mind, he would come home holding a plastic paper bag filled with clothes and his thin neck showing out like someone who was starving ,and as usual he would ask for forgiveness, and my mother being the same person as she was ,would forgive him and also find him a job. my dad was a bus driver, and as we had lived in that estate for long most of the people who had public vehicles knew my mother and would help her out by giving him a job, but after two weeks he would go back to being the same person he was, hanging out with women, coming home at 12am and leaving at 4am, it’s like our house was a motel. Even his children couldn’t see him ,because even on weekends he was not at home. I can’t remember the last time I had gone out with him as other children would go out with their fathers. I would feel jealous when my friends talked about how they spent their weekends with their families, or how they celebrated their birthdays, while I had never even celebrated. Though we weren’t rich I would have appreciated if he would have wished me a happy birthday, I didn’t need a present but his words would have meant the world to me. As i grew up I had a lot of resentment against my father for how he had been always unavailable in our lives. I wished that he would have been my first love like other daughters are to their father. Because the empty void that my father didn’t fill in my heart I suffered a great deal of heartbreaks, because I was always looking for a man who could fill that void,but I later learnt that no man in this earth can fill that void except my father.