My Imagination

Everyday I face a conundrum. I wonder whether I should move on to the next part of my life, or whether I should idle in silence, thinking about the things I did and didn’t do. And every time, I end up thinking about thinking about that question, and whether it is really okay for me to just keep thinking about it. And on and on… Until I realise, it has been about ten minutes, and I should probably finish my chamomile tea before it grows cold.

It is cold, and I drink it anyway

I’m still thinking though, without giving myself any breaks. I think about a man who’s been on my mind for as far as I can remember. A man with short black hair and fierce eyes. He is the main character of my thoughts. Who is this man? Is he real? No, he is not real, nor did I ever think he was. He is just… The guy I use in my fantasies. I make him happy, and sad. I make him fly, and chain him into the dungeons. I make him fight wars and fall in love, and then kill and loathe humanity. He is my window towards emotions and adventure. He is my life.

He is me, sort of.

I can’t help but notice that he takes up more of my life than I’d like him to own. He is not real, so really, why am I so hung up on him? Is it because I’ve been obsessively abusing him for more than 15 of my 20 years of life? Is it because I think he’s absolutely gorgeous and handsome? Is it because I’m suddenly into gay romance and want to subject someone to my wild fantasies and desires? Honestly, he’d be traumatised if he was truly real, and the gay romance is the least of his issues.

Well, reality is relative anyway. There’s no real reason to not think of our imagination as a reality of its own.

And I’m absolutely confused because just like Link, he’s not exactly clear on personality. He resembles me a lot, however, he is still faceless to a degree. Unlike all the sane people out there, I didn’t create a concrete profile or background for him. I merely create new lives for him. Using the same foundation in all scenarios, changing some bits in him to make sense of the plot, and then trying to visualise how that one character would be like or would behave in a different setting. What if he had an abusive mother? What if he had superpowers, but he didn’t fancy going to a special school and wasting his life on being a soldier? What if he spends all his life fighting a war against monsters, after which he died in peace, but some humans selfishly brought him back to life?

So many possibilities… I’m addicted, and I keep running out of tea.

(the edit was to fix some minor spelling mistakes)