The Puff of Smoke

9/2/17
Words, there were no words to describe the feelings that were in my heart, the day I laid my crystal blue eyes on you. Your hair, smile, lips, eyes, even the way you slouch the slightest when you walk. No flaws were spotted that first minute, no flaws were spotted at all. One month, two months, three months, and recently just four. Our first month, spotless, filled with joy, laughter, and silly puns! Month Two, filled with joy, laughter, and slight discomfort. Our third month, just slowly deteriorating with lies and bullshit excuses. Lately, I’ve been questioning how healthy I was, how healthy this relationship was. Is it worth being with a man your madly in love with, if he’s only going to bring you down and make you feel like your worthless shit?

9/3/17
The feelings of anger and regret run through my blood, as the thought of betrayal lingers around in my head. I sit on Marcus’s couch watching mall cop 2, holding my tears. Marcus and I had recently had a terrible argument about his marijuana addiction, and how I couldn’t handle him continuing it. He suffered from intense asthma and a terrible past of smoking cigarettes and injury. At age 12, such a young age, he took a cigarette. He placed that cigarette in between his soft young lips and inhaled, he inhaled and inhaled over and over; one cigarette, minus one week of living. He became the “king” of cigarettes. Everyone went to him when they needed a hit, light or pack. At the age of 13, blunts, bowls, joints. But that was all long before I came into his life. He quit being the “king” of cigarettes, all for me, but now, 4 years since his first inhale of weed, he won't stop for me. When I first found out about his intense enjoyment of marijuana I didn’t mind much. These days everyone does it and I just didn’t see a problem with it, yet. The more I was exposed to this smoke-filled environment the less comfortable I became with it. I made him very aware of this concern, and it led to a fight. Much more complicated than any other; a fight that could never be forgotten about, a fight that I for once, couldn’t win.

9/6/17
You made a promise to me, we made a compromise, you seemed to not mind, but I heard today from your friend; you lied to me, once again. “No smoking” ok. Ok is what you said to me, but complaint and agony are all I got from your bitch ass of a friend, and his threatening, hurtful messages. “It’s all your fault that he doesn’t hang out with me,” his friend said, “you won't let him smoke, and you need to know where he is every time he goes out! I haven’t seen him so happy before until he went out biking with me that night.” His friend ranted and ranted. My head was filled with bullshit, bullshit I didn’t understand, bullshit I had never thought about. Is this what my boyfriend thought of me? Is this what I portray my self as, to my boyfriend? It felt like the universe had shifted, and suddenly my life as I knew it had drowned, in a shark-infested ocean. I never cared how late he stayed out, or where he went. Is this all just a lie? Is this whole relationship just, a lie? Is all the “Ok’s” just, a lie? Does he even really love me, or is that just, a lie? I cry and I cry because of the pain that he forced upon me. I don’t even know what to believe.