A Kind of Meta Magic

Deep within his dark tomb beneath the earth, the Necromancer sat upon his throne.

From his perch he watched as the heroes who had gathered to face him struggled to fend of the endless horde of skeleton warriors he had summoned. Swords clashed, arrows flew, spells were flung, and through it all the sorcerer sat and watched, as if he were observing a game among children. From beneath his black hood he smiled with sadistic glee as the sounds of battle echoed through the massive chamber.

There were four of them: a dark-haired wizard girl in a purple robe, an armor-clad knight, and a fat dwarf shooting arrows from atop the shoulders of a terrified, skinny elf. A typical party of adventurer fools for me to play with before I kill them, the Necromancer thought. Ah, I do love my job.

When the last skeleton had finally fallen, the warriors stopped to collect their breath. The Necromancer chuckled, and with a wave of his hand the skeletons literally began to pick themselves up. There was a collective groan of exasperation among the heroes as the undead army reared itself for battle once more.

"Oy!" The Dwarf hollered towards the throne. "Stop with the shamblers, ya sniveling clype-dreep-bachle of a mage!"

"I agree with... uh, whatever it is he just said." The knight said. He raised his shield as one of the skeletons started bashing at it with it's own arm. "Seriously, what is it with evil sorcerers and zombie armies?"

"Popularity," Said the wizard. With a flick of her wrist, the ground in front of her turned to ice, sending some of the skeletons tripping over like bowling pins. She blew a stray hair from her eyes, grinning.

"Sorcerers," She explained, "Love to bank on the conscious image people have of them, so the market is oversaturated with unoriginal wannabes who'd rather attempt at being 'the next dark lord' rather than come up with an original image for themselves."

"Thank you for that insightful, yet completely useless bit of information, Molly!" The Elf said while trying to shake off a decapitated skull biting his ankle. "Maybe you could try conjuring up a spell that makes use of all that hot air!"

"Shaddap and keep still, ya pointy-eared shilpit!" The Dwarf yanked the Elf by a lock of his blond hair. "I canna' get a good shot with all yer prancin' aboot!"

"'Prancin' aboot'??" The Knight glanced at the Dwarf in bewilderment. "Are you even speaking words by this point?!"

"Guys," Molly said steadily as all four of them were backed into each other by the surrounding mob. "Maybe we can discuss our personal grievances with each other when we're NOT about to be killed?"

The horde was slowly moving closer and closer, as if savoring the moment before making their attack. Just as their blades were mere inches away from the group's faces, the army came to a sudden halt. A low cackle filled the air as the Necromancer stood from his throne, removing his hood to reveal a flaming skull where his head should have been. He continued to laugh as he began to descend from the staircase leading to his throne, clapping a slow clap while he approached the group.

"I have to give you credit, you've done well to come this far." He said, parting through the army and towering over the group like a monolith. "For every warrior to have fallen before me, never before have mere children managed to enter my domain..."

"I'm forty-eight..." The Dwarf grumbled to himself.

"Regardless, I grow weary of this game," The Necromancer's empty sockets lit with a violet-black flame. "Fear not! I shall add your husks to my army, and your abilities will serve me greatly in my conquest to--"

There was a tremendous BANG, and the Necromancer promptly fell flat on his back, dead. Everyone blinked. The skeletons began falling apart one by one as the magic keeping them alive vanished, and the four heroes grimaced as they turned towards the source of their enemy's downfall.

An angry old man in a tattered robe stood at the entrance of the chamber. His beard was messy and gray like his pointed hat, which partially covered his crusty, grey eyes. In one hand he held a wizard's staff with a rectangular glass on top. In the other, a smoking flintlock pistol. He turned his glare towards the group. They all had big, sheepish grins on their faces.

"Hi, grandpa..."

The wizard didn't smile. Slipping his gun under his hat, he popped open the glass on his staff and took a swig of swill that was swirling inside it.

"I can't leave you damn kids alone for five minutes, can I?"

--

Molly's little group of adventurers had gotten themselves into plenty of dangerous situations before. They'd fought dragons, rescued innocent villagers from ogres, arrested criminals for double parking, the usual lot. Getting captured by goblins was nothing new to the gang. But as the five of them were hauled through the dusty tunnels, cramped inside a wooden cage being pulled by a well-fed mule, there was an air of unease between the group members as they avoided speaking or looking at each other.

Molly herself was huddled in a corner next to her grandfather, who looked quite cozy laying on the floor with his wizard's hat covering his eyes and his hairy, knobby knees sticking out for all the world to see. Farkus, the group's resident grumpy dwarf, was making a huge fuss as he shook the bars of the cage back and forth, yelling his head off. Max the knight was leaning against the wall in silence, and Elrod the attractive-to-the-point-of-obnoxious elf was pouting.

"Lemme OUT ya walkin' boogers!" Farkus shouted. "Lemme out or I'll turn yeh into haggis with me bare hands!"

"Hey, hey, don't rock the thing, don't rock the thing!" The goblin driver snapped from over his shoulder. He was munching a twisted cigar in his mouth that dropped ashes onto his white wifebeater shirt. "You better cut the crap! Th' boss has his boys everywhere, so no funny business, capice?"

Farkus got down with an angry huff of compliance. He took his seat next to Elrod, who was glaring at the cage's semi-snoozing occupant opposite of him.

"So, 'Mystical Marty'," Elrod said, his leg bouncing up and down anxiously. "I assume you've got some kind of spell to get us out of this? A fireball to melt the cage, or...?

Marty belched, peeking out from under his hat. "First off, blondie, a fireball is a thing you throw at people when you want to explode them into ground beef. Second, wood doesn't melt, it burns. It burns pretty hot, in fact, to the point where your brilliant plan would have us all turned into steak. Well-done, hold the sauce. Third, magic doesn't work that way."

"Can't ya be teleportin' us outta here?" asked Farkus. "Ya certainly have a knack for disappearin' whenever we need yer skinny arse!"

Marty scratched his beard. "Doesn't work that way."

"Then hypnotize the driver!"

"Doesn't work that way."

"Can ya conjure up a sandwich for pity's sake?!"

"I'm gonna conjure up sign that says 'doesn't work that way' and hit you over the head with it."

Farkus threw his hands up in disgust. "Pah! Wizards..."

"I'll say." Elrod folded his arms, directing his ire towards Molly. She continued to ignore his glare, though from the look on her face it was clear his words were hitting hard.

"This wasn't her fault." Max said, startling everyone. With his helmet on, they all had assumed he was asleep. "They caught us by surprise. We were bound to lose that fight whether she cast the spell or not."

"No, he's right." Molly said, sitting up. Her brow was furrowed, eyes locked on the floor. "We had the upper hand. If I had been in sync with you guys and just used my magic when we had the chance, we wouldn't have lost."

"So... why didn't you?" said Max.

She bit her lip. "I guess I... just wanted to prove I didn't need to. I kept wondering if maybe, even if I had been born without powers, I'd still be the same Molly."

"Well, you wouldn't be." Marty stated bluntly. "Being a wizard makes you better that everyone by default and you shouldn't feel guilty about it."

"Tactful." Max said, frowning at the old man from under his helmet. "Also, you use a gun..."

"But for what it's worth, kid," The wizard ignored him and kept looking at his granddaughter. "I don't admire you for being good at magic. I admire the brain that knows when to use it." He pointed a thumb at Elrod. "And would you really rather be like this jerk?"

"Hey!"

Though she didn't break her gaze from the floor, a smile appeared on Molly's face. "Thanks, grandpa." She said. Suddenly, she sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Okay, it's done."

Everyone blinked. "It?"

"Our escape route."

Everyone looked at where she had been staring to see a pile of nails at their feet. It took them a second to realize they had all been pulled right out of the floor.

Marty smirked. "That's what I'm talkin' about, kid."

"Eh, it's a step." Molly said with a shrug. "Now all we need is a way to remove these boards without--"

Farkus leapt into the air and came slamming down on the floor, sending a chunk of wood whipping through the air and into his hand. The goblin whirled his head around, jaw hanging open. "What the--?!"

"CHEERS, MATE!!" Farkus screamed, chucking his wood right through the bars and into the goblin's face, knocking the cigar out of his mouth and right on to the mule's backside. The animal's eyes bugged out as it proceeded to shriek at the top of it's lungs and kick the cart right off it's harness, which sent the cage toppling over backwards, landing upside-down with everyone crashing on top of each other. The mule ran off down the tunnel, braying and kicking all the while. It's rider had been flown right into the wall and knocked out cold. The cart lay in a heap of broken wheels spinning in the air while everyone remained piled on top of one another.

"Not me brightest idea." Farkus said from under Marty's behind.

Molly looked at Elrod, who's head was jammed under her chin. "So." She said with a half-lidded stare. "Magic still no good, or...?"

"Magic good." Elrod said without hesitation.

--

The fortress stood at least a mile high, a jet-black cylinder standing against the ashen-grey sky like a dark spotlight on the rocky cliffside. The pathway leading to the tower was aligned with torches holding a dark green flame, smoke pouring out onto the ground like a fog. The base of the tower was lined with columns, each holding a grotesque gargoyle carrying a sneering smile towards anyone who stepped up to the massive double doors between them. Anyone who even considered going near this place were either too brave or too stupid for their own good.

Fortunately, our heroes were a little bit of both.

"You know," Elrod said to the others as they approached. "Why can't evil tyrants ever live in nice places? Just for once I'd like to fight bad guys in a field of dandelions, or a jolly farm, or a coffee shop..."

"Since when do you do any fightin', may I ask?" Farkus said, turning to raise an eyebrow at the elf. "All ya ever do is whine and cry like a wee babe with a dirty nappy. Last I checked, ya don't even have any weapons!"

Elrod snorted. "I'm a bard." With a proud smile, he placed a hand on his chest. "I use words to get us out of situations, and charm the enemy with my astoundingly high charisma."

"So in other words, you're completely useless." said Marty.

Elrod snapped his head around to glare at the old wizard, who didn't even bother feigning innocence. He just kept staring ahead with a dull expression on his face. Elrod folded his arms in a pout, ignoring the smug little grin on Farkus' face.

Up ahead, Molly and Max were sizing up the tower and scanning the area around them.

"No guards..." Max said, keeping a cautious hand on his sword. He peered through his helmet's visor at the air around them. "Do you detect any magic in the air? Any wards or traps?"

Molly squinted her eyes in concentration for a moment before answering, "No, nothing." She put a hand to her chin as she stared at the wall before reaching out to touch it's smooth black surface. Spreading her fingers, the wizard closed her eyes as if listening to something, and after a few seconds she opened her eyes again.

"Weird..." She said, looking at her hand. "I can't feel any kind of power running through the stonework. Everything looks creepy, but I don't think there's anything enchanted here at all..."

"Remind me again why we're here?" Marty asked as he walked up, taking his fifteenth swig of booze that afternoon. He belched and rubbed his forehead. "I think I blacked out everything from before today."

Molly sighed to herself. "Well gramps, here's the short version: we're in an empire run by a lunatic who lives in this spooky tower. Last night we met up with the Resistance who want our help deposing him from power. The leader went on a whole spiel about hope and freedom for about an hour, after which they invited us to a big feast, where you drank a giants worth of liquor and started a wrestling match with a roast turkey."

"That you lost." Max added.

"That bird was a dirty cheater..." Marty muttered.

"Also, you somehow lit the bathroom on fire, which is going to cost half our share of the loot to pay for."

The elder wizard shrugged. "At least I created a good reason to spouse exposition."

Molly rolled her eyes. "At any rate," She said, looking back at the tower. "We made a promise, so it's time to fulfill our end of the bargain. We just have to get inside--"

"Let me see!" Elrod pushed his way past the others to inspect the tower. He tapped his chin in contemplation as if in deep thought. "Well, the structure's surface is too smooth for us to climb, that's for sure. We'll have to find another way in."

"Did yer 'astoundingly high charisma' tell you that?" said Farkus.

Elrod ignored him, looking at one of the columns. "Here," He said. "We can get up there using one of these!"

Molly glanced to her right. "Um, Roddy--"

But before she could finish, the elf had already leaped up against the pillar, spreading out his arms and legs in an attempt to wrap them around it's wide surface. For a solid minute the air was filled with frustrated grunts as Elrod tried to shuffle up the column in little hops. At one point he even tried biting it to gain some kind of leverage.

Molly watched him with a blank expression before finally clearing her throat to get his attention. Without a word, she walked over and casually opened the front door. It wasn't even locked.

Elrod stared at her as his body slowly slid off the pillar, landing on his bottom with a soft thud. Molly put a hand on her hip, smirking. The elf looked at the others. All of them were looking the other way with big, tight-lipped grins. With a huff, Elrod stood up, wiped the dirt from the seat of his pants, and walked up to the door.

"I hate all of you." He mumbled.

As the gang entered the fortress and down a long tunnel, they were met with yet another surprise. Unlike the cliche foreboding atmosphere outside, the inside of the building was pristine and well-lit by a dozen hanging lamps. The wall was made up of smooth mahogany wood, decorated with paintings of a large man in black armor. Large plants were scattered around the beige carpeting. At the end of the hallway, between two normal-looking doors, sat a single goblin lady behind a desk. The room was quiet except for the sound of her quill pen scratching away at a piece of parchment.

"Well, this is kitschy." said Marty.

"Be careful," Molly said, holding up a hand. "It could be an illusion to throw us off."

"I dunno, lass," Farkus said, inspecting a ficus in the corner. "This plastic looks plenty real t'me."

"C'mon," She said, stepping forward. "We'll play along for now until a chink in the armor reveals itself."

They all walked up to the desk where the goblin was sitting. She looked pretty old, grey hair tied into a neat bun on the top of her head, her mouth tiny and shriveled. At the end of her long nose was a pair of half-moon glasses connected to her ears by a gold chain. Her scribbling paused for less than a second as her tired eyes glanced at the group before going right back to work.

"May I help you?" She asked, sounding bored.

Molly coughed. "Uh, hi." She said, finding the awkwardness of the situation choking her ability to speak. "We're here to, um... see your boss."

"Do you have a scheduled meeting with the Dark Overlord of Evil?"

Everyone looked at each other. Farkus let out a displeased grunt as his hand fiddled with the hilt of a knife strapped to his leg.

"Well, no..." Molly said. "But--"

"If you would like to schedule a meeting with with the Overlord, you'll need to sign these permission forms." The goblin droned, taking out an eight-pound stack of papers and slamming them down on the desk. "You'll need them in order to set up an appointment with section D-6. There will be a waiting period of four to six months as the paperwork is processed before they can set up a time to meet and discuss the possibility of arranging a meeting with the Overlord. If you have a complaint, please send all letters to our human and non-human resources division. It will take an approximate sixty to seventy weeks for your complaint to be received. If you wish to speak to an associate..."

After her rambling went on for more than five minutes without stopping, Molly turned away from the goblin, pulling everyone into a group huddle. "Okaaay, the armor's pretty intact. Time for a new plan." She said quietly. "One that preferably doesn't have us dealing with any mindless bureaucracy."

"I say we just knife 'er in the gizzard and be done with it." Farkus snapped.

Molly sighed. "Okay, let me rephrase that. We need a plan that doesn't involve mindless bureaucracy and randomly stabbing people."

"Why bloody not?? Back home in the Dwarven Kingdom, ya cannae go three steps without some pencil-pusher gettin' shanked. That's just politics!"

"This is technically a political assassination, sweetie." Marty said.

"We're not assassins!" Molly protested in disbelief. "We're heroes! He's a villain! Last week we were in a fundraiser for the institute of lost puppies and orphans! This guy probably EATS lost puppies and orphans for breakfast!"

"Life isn't that black and white, kid," said Marty. "It's a morally gray situation."

"IT'S NOT MORALLY GRAY! THE GUY IS LITERALLY NAMED 'THE DARK OVERLORD OF EVIL'!"

"Um, guys?" Max spoke up, looking between the four of them. "Where's Elrod?"

A shrill giggle from behind them caught their attention. Everyone turned around to see Elrod leaning against the desk with a suave grin on his face as he whispered something to the goblin lady, whose face now seemed full of energy. Her dull eyes were shining, and one could see a bit of pink rising in her green cheeks.

"Oh, you..." She said, waving him off.

"You really deserve a break, you know that?" Elrod said. "Life's too short for both of us. We need to live, you know?"

The goblin paused, biting her lip, and took a quick glance over her shoulder. A sneaky grin spread across her face.

"I really shouldn't do this," She said, opening a drawer full of files. "But hell, a good dental plan doesn't rule over missing your kids graduation."

She pulled out the document they needed, signed the bottom, and handed it to Elrod. "Go get your homework done, darlin'. My shift ends early tonight."

They winked at each other, and Elrod turned back to the others. They were all staring in a stunned silence.

Farkus' jaw was nearly touching the floor. "How the bloody...?"

"Like I said," Elrod walked over, taking the dwarf by the chin and closing his mouth. "It's all about charisma."

Molly looked back and forth between him and the goblin for a few moments before deciding it was best not to think too hard about it. "Well, it worked." She said, shrugging. "Let's not look a gift elf in the mouth."