The Present Embracing the Past

'He is an angel', she thought. Whenever she sees his name on the computer's screen, a bunch of shivering emotions take hold of her mind and body. She was a high-school student. People at her age were not expected to make huge decision which they will regret after all. However, she seemed to be on a circle of exception. It is thought that for a person to take hold of your soul, a first contact is needed. Again, she drew herself out of that, too. It only took one thought to hypnotise all her logical mechanisms. She was shy, introverted in nature. She was much of a sufferer in silence. Having her whole world kept in silence, she never thought of letting somebody apart from herself see through that self-made cloak. As she was used to be an exception, HE was too. They met through a virtual screen. Although they have never met outside this virtual space, they seemed to get along very well. He was the kind of persons who took much consideration of the other's feelings. Like every fairy tale they had much in common, way much than she thought. They used to talk for hours on topics others would take as ridicule. She did not have to worry about escaping back to her silenced world, she enjoyed this talking world instead. There was an intuitive feeling that something was wrong. It sounds fairy, right? What could go wrong on this whole lovely dovely things? The big question that every person struggle to answer back: Is it or is it not a requited love? Her mind seemed to gain much reason only to fill her up with multiple doubting questions. She noticed that finding somebody who had much common points with her blinded her from seeing the other part's opinion. He was kind to her, and so was to other people. He was seeking common ground with her, and so was to other people. These doubting feelings failed in lowering her interest in him, but succeeded in making her bleed for more answers. Because of an assignment, she leapt in memory to her high-school times. She opened her laptop to read her last writing. It started this way: The moment you will give oxygen to your lungs, you will assume that everything will be the same, that you are independent enough to take your actions. The next moment you will realize that oxygen is not enough if your stomach is growling! You start sending cries of dependence, so that somebody would pull you out. Milk becomes the equivalent of dependence. Then you would quickly be swept again into the circle of independence. You take actions, and you decide to sleep, but moments after you wake up with a sort of uneasiness, with no yet identifiable reasons. You have taken your dependence item which is your milk, what else would you need? Soon a shadowed figure would hold you up, and unwraps something on your waist. You will hear her saying 'it's nothing babe, only a diaper!' You will soon start adding new items to your dependence list, a diaper, a shower, a lullaby... At the beginning the list only resumes on concrete items, but soon human names will be heading the list. You start by knowing that milk, and changing a diaper is the result of a human action, that is mostly of your mom. Years after, your independence circle will shrink while new items are being added into the dependence circle. You would go to school, where you'd be taught how to join the human circle of communication. You'd meet new persons whom you would call friends, and from whom you would expect reciprocal feelings. And then...It comes, a feeling never known before! Your whole body would forget about the definition of rationality, and balance. Your ultimate goal would be to get complemented. You will start to bring out everything good about yourself, so that a better image would always be displayed of you. You start loving yourself, because you would finally be recognized, even if it will mean not being you! You will appoint the cause of this state to again a new person. You will start missing talking to him, and feeling at your highest 'YOU' when a message of him pops out. You would wish for never ending conversations with him. Your world would shift in directions. 'c'est la vie en rose'. It's a new item of dependence, which is LOVE!
Then...One day, he would post a lovely card confessing his strong feelings for you. It will be a situation that requires a yes or a no answer. It will be an unusual situation in that it will call not for items of dependence, but rather independence. It is then, that you would notice that you barely have items of your own in the independence circle. Yes! All this long you have been accumulating what you thought you needed, till you no longer knew what your real needs are! Out of fear of shrinking the independence circle again, you will take action, and deliver an answer that would still bleed regret for several coming years. A refusal, but rather ignorance of his feelings would seem the better way of taking hold of yourself again. Years after you will notice that he started chasing his love life again, and getting into a relationship. You will have scenarios of the famous 'what if' situation, but you will soon figure out, that enlarging the independence circle will definitely have a price!
Kuno
After reading her last piece of writing she was grateful for having an assignment that brought her back to a past that is not to be forgotten, but to be embraced.