Desperation

March 16, 2010

"Desperation"

I would say it was an accident,
But it was not.
I would say I am sorry,
But I am not.

The salty tears roll slowly down my face,
But not for him.

I knew it was going to be one of those nights.
It was my fault for not having dinner on the table.
He tore into the driveway in that beat up old Ford,
Barely missing the horse corrals.

The truck stalled in a cloud of dust.
The rusty door wailed as it opened, slammed closed.
He stumbled to the door, drunk, high, maybe both.
The heels of those awful cowboy boots up the porch,
Click, click, click.

She ran to her room, my precious little girl, scared eyes filled with crystal tears.
I would find her hiding under her bed later.
Or in her laundry basket, hiding under her pretty clothes.
She felt safer there, where he wouldn't look.
I laid the baby in his crib, my sweet baby boy, and carefully shut the door.

He threw open the front door, the baby started crying,
The knob swinging perfectly into the hole made from a previous rage.
He looked at the un-set table, the empty spot where his plate should be,
And the drunken stupor took on the flash fire of his drunken rage.

He grabbed the pan of Shake-n-Bake chicken from the stove,
Hurled it at the wall.
The pot of green beans was thrown at the sink,
Breaking off the faucet.

His iron hand struck my face and I staggered aside,
Cilck, click, click, to the refrigerator
It was always another beer, until he passed out.
It had been getting worse, the drinking, the threats.


My babies were in desperate danger.
I walked to the bedroom in a fog,
Opened the top dresser drawer,
And withdrew the gun with numb fingers.

His bleary eyes looked surprised at first,
He smiled, took a guzzle off his elixir,
"Do it. I dare you."
He took a step closer, guzzle,
Click.

I didn't even hear the shot.
Just saw a flurry of emotions
Cross his grizzled face.
Confusion? Anger? Pain?

His beer was first to hit the floor.
Then him.
The gun.
Finally, the crimson stain.

I ran and grabbed the baby,
My sweet baby boy.
Then to my daughter,
My precious little girl.

They are safe now.

I would say it was an accident,
But it was not.
I would say I was sorry,
But I am not.

They are safe now.