Afraid of the Light

I don't know what wakes me, my own screams of terror or my mothers soothing voice. I just know as I open my eyes she is there. I can feel her soft hands as she cradles my head in her lap and wipes the hair from my sweaty brow. I can taste the salty flavor of tears and know I must have been crying.

Her eyes are full of concern as she asks me about my nightmare. I can't tell her the truth. I have to lie. I promised her I wouldn't go out at night anymore. I didn't look up as I lied to her, I couldn't bear to think of the danger I had put us all in. The lie flew out of my mouth like a predator attacking its prey. Zombies were chasing me. Last night at Kelly's sleepover we stayed up late and watched scary movies. I am not scared of fake zombies my terror is real and much worse than slow brain eating monsters.

She wont even look at me as she shakes her head. That tisch sounds mothers make comes from somewhere inside her. She lifts the huge kitchen knife she found under my pillow. Were you going to kill the zombies with this she asks. I am to ashamed to answer I just nod my head, I know she worries about me and she knows that it isn't zombies haunting my nightmares. I myself brought this terror on our family and I myself must be the one to confront him when he comes.

As if I didn't feel bad enough she says the words I have wishing, dreaming, praying, hoping to hear . "Maybe now I can change shifts at the hospital. It would mean less money but more time for us to be together. Then you wouldn't be home alone.

But No, No, not now, yes that is what I have wanted. Up until a month ago. I had begged her to change jobs or just quit. When dad was here she was home with me everyday. He is gone now he calls me on my birthday and promises we will do something fun soon. He has a new wife and she is expecting a baby. I am just an old toy he is tired of playing with, he has new toys now.

But No she cant stay home now what if he comes? I can live with him killing me. However this isn't her fight she is innocent I brought this horror on our home. I am the one he wants, he is looking for. I want to tell her the truth so bad, I want to tell her my fear has nothing to do with stupid zombies or scary movies. What I am afraid of is real, what haunts my dreams is flesh and blood. He is out there coming for me. I am ready, I will fight.

My mom is a nurse at the hospital. During the week she works nights. She doesn't get home until after I go to bed at night and I leave for school before she wakes. I take care of myself, I make my own bed, clean my room, cook my breakfast and dinner, I even do my own laundry. I put myself to bed and get myself up in the morning. The only time I get to see her is on the weekends like today.

I could have avoided all of this mess if I had just stayed home that night like mom said. It was the last day of school. I rode the bus home like always. All my friends were waiting for me when I got there. First I went to the Brady's house. Marsha, Jan, Cindy, Greg, Peter, and Bobby were up to their usual shanigans and family fun. From there I took a three hour tour and ended up ship wrecked on a deserted island. No phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. Again like every other time we would have been recused if Gillian hadn't screwed it up in some silly way. Well maybe tomorrow. I got off the island and hopped a ride on an old beat up truck and moved to Beverly... Hills that is swimming pools and movie stars. By 10:05 I was deep in the Korean conflict working in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital the 4077th with doctors Hawkeye and Honnecut. the later it got the less friends I had until I was left alone again in an empty house with a box of static. I tried to go to bed but my eyes would not stay closed. It is the first day of summer break I couldn't wait to get started on the fun.

It was late but I was not tired. I was awake, wide awake I decided to go for a walk. I love walking at night. Mom however says its not safe.
It was a beautiful night. the moon had not showed up for work leaving the stars to rule the sky. The darkness was so deep it spilt over in to the air making it feel thick and soundless. The smell of cut grass and cherry blossoms surf the spring breeze. The sun had heated the ground enough to keep the temperature warm, no jacket or sweater needed. Taking a deep breath the air tasted like crisp mountain spring water.

The world had gone to sleep, no sounds, just dark houses and deep shadows. The only light came from an occasional street lamp. I felt like the only one left after a zombie apocalypse. I wander looking for life.

I find it, a far off thump. It snuck through the stillness, I didn't hear it as much as I felt it. As I walk through the night towards the thump the feeling becomes a sound. The closer I get the sound turns to rhythm then the rhythm to music. At the end of a block of dead dark houses, one was alive. A small single story, flat roof, house sits on the corner, its windows a blaze with light. Voices and laughter climbing over the loud music, both trying to escape any and every opening. The fenced back yard alive with dancing bodies. no one noticed me as I stood in the dark and watched.

I eased to where I could see the front of the house. The front yard was quiet except for the voices and music struggling to free themselves. The porch light and street light on the corner illuminate the front yard. Abandoned children's toys and bikes, a big yellow plastic slide, a blue round swimming pool with a wide crack through the bottom, a red tricycle with only two wheels, a brown blanket stretched between bushes forming a cool fort, a purple sparkly jump rope hangs from a branch like a rope swing, a small lone pink shoe laying by the sidewalk missing its mate, litter the yard. The smell of dogs and dirt flitters in the air. A breeze from the house carries the taste of cigarettes.

I stand across the street and wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that. Maybe brothers and sisters live there. I bet they even have a pet, yes over there on the driveway an orange 5 gallon bucket of water its edges chewed as if it also offered moisture, next to it a metal dog dish now only holding a chewed up baseball. I picture all of us playing in the yard Tarzan on the rope swing, sister pretending to be a nurse like mom, saving her doll who was casualty of and earlier war between the cowboys and Indians. On the porch lays our dog Rex ready to ponce on anyone who try's to harm us.

Lost in the dream I jump as the front door crashes open and two bodies explode into the yard , fist flying, legs kicking, and the foulest language I had ever heard. some of the words I had never heard others I was forbidden to say. Two men in the age old activity of fisticuffs.

I watch in a trance across the street as these two men exchange blows. The Malay continues across yard through the blue pool with the crack, they knock over the trike with three wheels, the pink shoe goes flying through the air thrown by one of the men as he gets back up off the ground. They fight across the yard and into the road under the street light. I keep looking toward the house to see if someone is going to come out and break up this beating. The music is still struggling to get out the windows and doors, the voices inside laughing and yelling as if they know nothing of what is going on out here. I l look back in time to see the light gleam off the blade of a knife. The gleam disappears and reappears rapidly as one of the men stabs the other repeatedly. The man falls to his knees, his arm wrap around his body as if he is trying to hold his insides in, then falls to his face a pool of blood puddles around his now limp body. The smell of blood and death flood the air. I look back to see if the man holding the bloody dagger... AHhh! I see the hate and murder in his eyes and he sees the fear and terror in mine.

The once warm night turns cold, a shiver runs through my body. The dryness in my mouth tastes like copper pennies. I pivot and run, not looking back to see if he is chasing me. I run faster and futher than I have ever run in my life. I run like death himself is chasing me, because he is. My lungs and legs finally give out but my adrenaline and fear keep me moving. As I reach home and plunge in to the house I collapse. I cant even stand-up to lock the door. I wedge my body in front of the door and my brace my legs against the wall. I wake up in this position hours later. Did I get away? Did I run fast enough that he couldn't follow me? Maybe but maybe not!

I feel safe in her cradled in my moms arms. I look back to her comforting eyes, but now they are looking away. Her mouth agape and her eyes wide. I follow her gaze as my mind tries to make sense of a loud scream. There he is, standing in the doorway of my room, those eyes full of hate and murder, the bloody knife still clenched in his steel hands.