realization

My eyes open up to pure darkness. The longer my eyes stay in the same place the shadows grow more intense. I look out through the window and the dim lights that emerge from the street lamps. The stars burst through the darkness that the night sky has become over the past couple of hours. I look at the clock on my phone. It reads 12:47 AM. I slowly rise up and sit still in my bed. I swing my legs over the edge and my feet hit the cold hard floor. I carefully get up, slowly and quietly walk to my desk. I pull the chair back and sit down. I put my ear buds in my ears and blast music through them. I just sit there with music blaring in my ears. I begin to think. Normally thinking is my worst enemy, or worst weapon against myself. These thoughts I accept because they are true. I start to think of what my mom said to me earlier. She basically said, if I believe I can work harder and make something of myself then continue at the boarding school I am at. If not them I am to advise her that I know I am not going to make anything of myself and tell her and my dad that I should stop wasting their money on this school.


I think back over the years as far as my academics go. There is a very clear pattern to see through that time span. I normally start the years doing well then crash and have a few attempts to pick it back up. This is more present during my years of high school. I reflect over how poorly I’ve done over the years. I open word on my laptop and begin to plant virtual ink onto a virtual piece of paper. Each sentence just talks about how much of a failure I am. After a while I stop moving my fingers around the keys. I save the document on to google drive and go on my phone. I copy and paste the document into two separate text conversations. One copy goes to my mom and one copy goes to my dad. I close my laptop and check to see if all my devices are all charged up. I plug my phone into the cable that connects into the wall. I grab my backpack, that used to be used for school. I start to pack some food and some portable charges into the back pack. I pack everything I believe I will need for the day long walk it will take to trek my pilgrimage back to Falls Church, where my actual home is located. I pack a spare change of clothes in the bottom of my bag. I throw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. I throw the laptop in my bag and my phone in my pocket. I put my watch on a plug some ear buds into my phone, then set the earbuds around my neck.


I carefully open the door as slowly and quietly as I can. I look around and see nobody. I take a step out the door and close it behind me quietly. I walk slowly down the hall. I open the heavy wooden doors and then the bathroom door. After I’m done I open the door and carefully walk down the stairs hoping I don’t get caught. Slowly step by step I descend the stairs. With the pain inside my chest I got no choice but to carry on. I reach the finally door, that leads to the outside. I slowly open the door praying that no alarm goes off. I only hear the chirps of crickets and the rustling of leaves as I emerge from the building. I carefully close the door so nobody is able to hear the door close. I stand there for there for a minute deciding which way to travel. I take a few steps forward and then turn left. I go a couple hundred yards and then turns left one more time. I surpass the side gate or the exit gate, it’s both really. I pull my phone out and tap on the play button. I start to walk down the street. I’ve got a long trek back home. Once I get there I’m not sure whether I will stay or run away after that. One thing for sure I will go see my girlfriend. The journey back can be either a very dangerous one or a safe one. The free open world around me will decide that fact.