The Search

My mornings start the same, every morning. An alarm clock set too damn early, a pot of coffee and a lit cigarette. Every morning I wake up in the same house I grew up in and every morning I wish for away out and the strength and courage to do. This morning was slightly different I was here when my kid's got up, normally I'm at work before 6am, as the frantic search to find the things needed for school, hogging the bathroom and arguing of the shirt one sister was wearing, my head swarmed with a million different questions, too many to recall all of them but one, one got my attention, "what am I doing here?" And so I sit here after the chaos of the morning and I look around at these walls. I remember these walls, still I feel just as closed in and trapped as I did when I was a teenager telling myself that I was going to get out of here. I bet teenage me is wanting to kick my ass right about now.
The house is quite and the mess from this morning is cleaned up, "What am I doing here?" I hate it here, I always have. The people around me are suppose to be family but I always felt unwanted. I've always been compared to everyone else and told of all my mistakes. My mother's voice still plays repeatedly in my head as I stood in front of her and listened to her tell me exactly who I was, "You're worthless. You'll never find happiness and no one will ever love you, you take misery everywhere you go and you make everyone around you miserable. You are nothing and I will do what it takes to keep you from thinking other wise." My mother said those words to me, MY MOTHER, but then that's how its always been. Somewhere between wanting to disappear and being what everyone told me to I lost myself.
Now, in my early 30's and single mother of three children still living and my dads house because if I have my own place I can't do for the people who are suppose to care about my regardless. I want out, I want to pack up the kids and disappear. I know that no one would notice until needed something. No one would bother to worry about where we had gone. Then it hits her, she knows in her heart that is exactly what they need to do. In order for them to finding themselves they have to lose everyone who has ever doubted them and made them doubt themselves. They need to disappear for a bit in order to find themselves again and that's exactly what they are going to do. She's just got to find away.