Six Years Later

September 2 will always be the worst day of every year. It's another year that I didn't get to talk to you. We didn't get to laugh together and we didn't get to make more memories together. It's the day you were taken from us.
I only remember ten minutes on September 2, 2011. Those ten minutes was all it took to bring me to the hardest impact on my life. Something that to this day I still have a hard time trying to accept.
On Friday, September 2, 2011, I was 14 years old at the time. I was mowing the lawn at our summer camp, when my mother pulled in. I thought it was odd because it was during her work hours so I was confused why she was home so early. She told me to stop mowing and meet her inside. So I stopped and sat down at the kitchen table. She started to cry and choked out the words "Aunt Lisa passed away." Those four words tore my whole world apart.
My Aunt Lisa was the closes relative I had behind my mother, father, and grandmother. She was also my godmother, making her a guaranteed person I was stuck with for the rest of my life. She was one of the office aids when I was in elementary school. She went to my home swim meets. We went shopping together. We have taco Tuesdays together. We did a lot together. So now imagining having to do these things without her seemed impossible.
Today, that I write this, marks six years sense her passing. I look back on the past six years and it seems as if someone pressed fast forward on my life. It just doesn't seem possible that my life has moved on and hers stopped.
The other week, I thought of her as I often do, but this time was different. I tried to remember the sound of her voice and her laugh. Horrifyingly, I couldn't. In just six years I had completely forgotten the sound of her. In that moment I realized how much time had gone by, but seemed like no time at all. I can still remember what she looks like without looking at a photo, but how long until that too fades away?
(Now my next statement is my honest opinion so please don't rip me a new one.)
I personally believe that being suicidal is the worst disease on this planet. I'm not saying that battling any other disease is not horrible and debilitating. When dealing with a disease people have support groups. They have friends and family that are there for them in times when their therapies can be a little too much for them. They can talk about it with their support groups and discuss how they are feeling. People who are suicidal do not have these things. People who are suicidal honestly believe that they are alone in this world. They believe that their lives are actually hurting the people they care about. They believe that their life does not have a positive impact on anybody else's life. They believe that the people they care about are better off without them. The reason I think people who are suicidal have the worst disease is because they kill themselves because of these thoughts. They end their lives because they truly, whole heartedly believe these things.
This is where my heart breaks for my aunt. She honestly believed that everyone in our family was so much better off without her so she killed her self. She thought that no one cared enough about her so she ended her life. She was in fact the one person that held our family together. She planned all of the family gatherings for holidays. Now without her my family does not have gatherings like we used too. We don't talk as much as we used too.
Because of her suicidal thoughts she never got to see me swim again. She never got to see me learn to drive. She never got to see me get into college. She never got to see me graduate High School. She will never get to see me graduate College. She will never get to met the person I will marry. She will never get to met the children I will have. I will have to go through the rest of my life wishing she saw me do these things.
So the reason I am writing and posting this is to inform the people, who like my aunt, are having suicidal thoughts, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. Your life matters to the people you care about. You might not think it does, but without you in their lives, they will always think about the things they should have told you. They will always believe that there was something more they could have done for you. They will always think that it's their fault that you felt all alone. So if you are going through this, open up and talk about it with your friends and family. They will come together to help you. They will not believe that your life is meaning less and hurting their lives. They love you.
So tell your loved ones you love them and always ALWAYS help them whenever they need it. Having to live without them is a horrible thing that no one should have to go through.