WOLVERINE: The Hangover

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Logan, and I make no money from this fan fiction.

Wolverine: The Hangover

by

Rhonnel Ferry

I'm the best there is at what I do. Problem is, I have no idea what I just did!

Not that losing my memory is anything new. Had most of my memory routinely wiped out after every mission, during the time I was a big bad secret agent, to protect sensitive information, of course. But that was a lifetime ago.

So let's see,... Hmmm... Last thing I remember, I was alone at a random cheap bar, having a random cheap drink. Basically how I like spending most of my nights. I'm a mutant, with a fast healing factor that greatly reduces the effects of alcohol. So I musta' been hitting it pretty hard to blackout.

Now, I'm staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling, lying in a bed that isn't my own. How do I know? These sheets are seamless silk! The mattress is soft and clearly made of the best quality. The mattresses I usually sleep in are so thin, you could feel the steel from the bedstead. Also, the cheap motels I rent stink of urine and dead rats. This place smells so clean, so...

“Sniff sniff!” Wait a minute. My mutant powers include a heightened olfactory sense. Something else smells really nice in this room. Or rather...someone!

I hear a woman's soft yawn. There's somebody else under the sheets with me! I turn my head to the left, and find the most beautiful face I have ever had the pleasure of gazing upon! And yes, that includes hotties like Jean, Heather, Mariko, Itsu,... This chick trumps them all!

What do you do next when you find a beautiful face lying in the pillow next to you? You raise the freaking sheets to see if it's attached to a beautiful body! Which in this case, it is!

On a scale of one to ten, this chick is an eleven...thousand! How the hell did I get this dame into bed?! I'm a short, ugly, hairy dude! A five,...at most! I would never use roofies, but my mind can't conceive of any other explanation!

She's naked, I'm naked. We've obviously just had sex. So if I reach over and feel her perfect skin, that would be totally cool, right?!

Her eyes flutter open. I half expect her to start screaming bloody rape. But she doesn't. She looks at me with those beautiful eyes, and smiles with those luscious lips. I swear, that magnificent smile magnified her already goddess-like beauty twenty fold!

I just stare back with my mouth wide open like the village idiot. She sees that I have the sheets raised, and she gives me a playful look.

“What are you staring at?” she asks.

Quick quick! Say something cool, or suave, or sexy! Tell her you're staring at Aphrodite!

“Uhm,...” I stutter. “Y-you?”

Dammit!

She reaches over with a lithe arm, and lightly touches the back of my head.

“Well, don't just stare,...do something about it,” she dares me.

You know what? It is a tragedy that I have no memory of making love to this perfect woman. So I scooch over to her side, and make love to her again,...and again,...and again,...

#

“I made breakfast,” she later calls out from the kitchen, dressed only in an over-sized shirt and nothing else.

She's hot and she makes me breakfast. I've died and gone to heaven. That's what happened last night. I got shit drunk in a bar where all my enemies just happened to be regulars. Then they tore me apart in my sleep. And you know what? I am totally OK with that.

She puts a plate of... I don't know what that is. Some kind of exotic dish, on the quartz kitchen countertop. She pops a piece in her mouth, and starts chewing.

“So what do you wanna do today?” she asks.

“I wanna do what we just did after we woke up,” I answer honestly.

She giggles. “Slow down, James or Logan or Patch or whatever name you're using today. As much as I'd want to, I don't have a healing factor like you do. I can't go all day, alright?”

She knows about the healing factor! And the different names I use! Did I tell her all that list night? Or is she some kind of spy, and this is an elaborate trap orchestrated by... Aw, screw it. She's hot. It doesn't matter.

“I'm thinking we should go to the sports complex,” she suggests. “I wanna see that MMA match between-”

She's into mixed martial arts?! Alright, that's the clincher.

“Marry me,” I tell her.

“Yes,” she answers, then hops off the stool, and jumps into my arms.

We kiss,...then end up doing what we just did after we woke up.

#

I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ON THE PLANET!

Holding hands, walking outside in... What is this place? Mexico? Thailand? Or the Philippines? I was at a bar in the Bronx. How the hell did I get here? Screw it. She's hot. It doesn't matter.

Don't worry. We remembered to get dressed before we stepped out. I'm wearing a white tank top, jeans, boots, and my signature cowboy hat. She's wearing a sundress with a skirt that's so short, it's making the men smile, and the other women glare.

“Oh, look!” she excitedly squeals. “A buko juice stall!”

“A what?” I ask, and see that she's pointing at a coconut shake and juice cart. “Seriously? But we just had breakfast.”

“Get me one. Come on, please?”

Screw it. She's hot. It doesn't matter. Maybe she needs the cold juice to cool down all that hotness some.

“Alright. Wait here.”

She giggles in response. I love that giggle. I walk over to the cart, and order juice.

Just then, I hear heavy tires squeal as a vehicle careens around the corner! This is swiftly followed by the panicked screams of people trying to get out of its way. I turn and see an armored transport van abruptly brake right behind...what's her name. The hot girl I'm about to marry.

She seems to recognize the vehicle, and starts to bolt from it. The van side door slides open, and two guys in what look like high-tech samurai power armors step out! I kid you not.

One of them, in the blue armor, roughly grabs my girl by her arms, and starts pulling her towards the van!

“Hey!” I yell, dropping the juice, and marching towards them with a purpose.

Big mistake. Shoulda' just clawed their faces off from the get go. Now, that I've announced my presence, the other guy, in red armor, unsheathes a long, large glowing Katana!

He swings the blasted thing right into my side! The wind gets knocked out of me, and I get catapulted back into the juice cart! Fortunately, the vendor got out of the way in time.

“Logan!” the hot girl screams, as they force her inside the van.

If anybody else took a hit like that, his rib cage would be shattered. Hell, he might even be cleaved in two! But I'm not just anybody. Me? I just get back up, and dust myself off. See, a long time ago, some eggheads decided that it would be a good idea to coat my bones in an indestructible alloy called Adamantium. Well, it was certainly a good idea today.

“Hey,” Blue armor tells Red armor. “He's still alive!”

“That's impossible,” Red armor remarks, as he looks back at me.

Blue armor pulls out a Minebea 9mm Machine Pistol, and promptly knocks me right back down with five rounds to the chest!

“Make sure he's dead this time!” the driver advises.

I keep my eyes closed, and listen to footsteps as someone cautiously approaches. Not an easy trick with bystanders screaming all over the place. Then when I'm sure he's close enough, I suddenly open my eyes!

Blue armor is bent down checking on me, and I can almost see the surprise through his Mempo or facial armor.

I quickly extend my claws, a set of three roughly seven inch blades on each fist! Then I tear his throat out! He makes a choking sound, and I am spattered with his blood! I take his gun, and kick him away!

While still on my ass, I shoot Red armor in the stomach and chest! Fortunately, it's loaded with armor piercing rounds, and the samurai's cuirass is unable to protect him.

“Oh shit,” I hear the driver squeak, as I walk towards him.

He's about to drive off, but my hot fiancée in the back picks up Red armor's SCK 9mm pistol, and shoots the driver in the back of the head. He slumps dead on the steering wheel, honking its horn.

That wild animal inside me wants to just jump her bones right there in the back of the van, but I restrain it.

“Who are these guys?” I ask her, as I help her out of the vehicle.

“They're Akifumi's men,” she answers.

“Akifumi?”

“Yea. Sato Akifumi.”

“Sato Akifumi?! The Yakuza Shategashira?! What does he want with you?!”

Aside from the obvious.

“He's my husband,” she responds. “Why are you so surprised?! I told you all about this last night!”

For a second, I'm dumbstruck.

“Well,...you know. Shocking news like that, you don't just get over.”

“Really? And you being a former member of the X-Men, Alpha Flight, and the Avengers. That's not shocking news for me?”

Christ, is there anything about me I didn't tell this chick?!

“Come on!” she says unfastening the driver's seat belt. “He's too heavy for me.”

“We're taking this thing?! They could have a tracer on that! If we're skipping town, which we should, we should do it in something less conspicuous than an armored van!”

“We're not leaving without my father! Akifumi will have him tortured and killed!”

“W-w-well, of course not! I meant after we pick him up!”

#

“My uncle was a compulsive gambler. He has always been trouble to my father's family,” she recounts to me as I drive the van as fast as I can to where she said her father lives. “My no good uncle owed the Yakuza an unbelievable amount of money. When he couldn't pay it, they killed him, then demanded that my father should pay them what his brother owed. Which of course, is impossible. Sato Akifumi took one look at me, and demanded that I should be given to him as payment. Christ, I was only seventeen!”

“Jeez, that's rough.”

“Yea, I mean he doesn't even know anything about me, but he still wanted me to marry him! Could you believe that?!”

“Uhm...uh...yea. Guys like that are...uh...total assholes.”

“Oh God, we're too late,” her voice trembles, as we slow down.

An armored van, similar to the one I'm driving, and a black limo are parked in front of her father's modest, one story home.

“OK,” I say. “You stay here. I'm gonna go put on my superhero tights-”

“No. I have a plan.”

#

I don't like her plan. She made me disguise myself in the driver's samurai armor. It's a little big for me, but I manage. I'm suppose to take her to the house as my prisoner to make sure that her father is unharmed.

MY plan is to get into my superhero tights, wait till it's dark, sneak into the house, stealthily kill everyone, and then rescue her father. It's the better plan, but she didn't want to risk leaving her father alone with those sadistic barbarians until nightfall. He might start losing body parts.

Besides, I'm gonna be marrying this girl, so I might as well get used to doing as she says.

I just hope they don't notice the gaping hole on the back of my helmet.

“Ejiri,” a pink armored Yakuza, waiting by the limo, greets me in Japanese. She must recognize the driver's armor. “You found the girl. Good. But where are the others?”

I briefly heard Ejiri's voice before my hot girl killed him, so I make my best impression. Which honestly, is not that good. Back when I was a spy, my specialty was killing people, not disguises. But at least, I am fluent in Japanese.

“They're dead,” I answer. “Killed by some stranger with incredible fighting skills. Handsome, too. But not pretty boy handsome. More like rugged handsome, you know? Like-”

Hot girl elbows me in the side.

“You sound...strange, Ejiri. Different,” Pink armor tells me.

“H-how do I sound like?” I ask nervously.

“Like an ugly, hairy, little man.”

“Why you little-!”

“Welcome back, my good wife!” I hear someone call.

Then I see a tall, skinny man with a short, slicked back haircut, a thin mustache, and in a neat, white suit exit the house to meet us. It's Sato Akifumi. I recognize him from his file photo last time I was at the headquarters of the espionage agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. Hell, even the vigilante, Punisher, is after this guy.

“Where is my father, you monster?!” hot girl demands of him.

I have to hold onto her arms to restrain her. She looks like she's about to claw his eyes out.

“Rai!” Sato calls behind him.

A seven foot tall samurai warrior exits! The giant has to bend down low just to squeeze his large frame through the front door! In one hand, he is dragging an old man, badly beaten, his shirt torn. But at least, from what I can see, all his fingers are still intact.

“Father!” hot girl screams, and she starts to struggle in my grasp.

“It's alright. Let her go,” Sato commands.

I obey. Hot girl rushes to her father's side. They start crying, and speaking softly to each other. Apologies were made, and assurances given by both father and daughter.

Sato just smiles and watches them quietly. Maybe it entertains him, the sick bastard. It's sad, but there actually are evil people out there who take pleasure in the suffering of others. Anyone who believes otherwise, that all people are inherently good, is a goddamn fool.

Hot girl rises, and stares her husband in the eyes. She doesn't bother wiping away her tears.

“Let my father go,” she urges him. “I'll do anything you ask. I'll never try to escape-”

Her words are cut short by a stinging backhand across the face.

And then I just lose it.

It's not part of the plan. We were suppose to wait until the old man was free and clear, before we tried to make any kind of move. But he hurt my woman. You don't do that in front of me. You never do that! And the animal inside me takes over!

I take Ejiri's Katana. Hold the Tsuka (or handle) over my head with both hands, then fling the blade right through Sato's chest! The force carries his body backward in midair, and he is impaled against the wall!

“Oh my God!” Pink armor exclaims. “They killed Sato! You bastards!”

I take Ejiri's pistol in my left hand, his submachine gun in my right. Then I start executing bad guys with headshots on one side, while mowing down Yakuza samurais with automatic fire in the other! Which is easy for someone who is naturally ambidextrous.

Then I focus fire on the giant! I hit him in the thighs, the stomach, the chest! I practically empty both guns into him!

Weird thing is, he doesn't die! He just staggers back a little!

“What the f-?!” I begin.

Then Rai retaliates with a shot from a shoulder mounted cannon! The armor I'm wearing is too cumbersome, and I am unable to get out of the way in time. The high-explosive incendiary round smacks me right in the torso! I'm violently thrown into the ground! The whole front lawn catches fire!

I'm dazed. Out of breath. This armor might as well be a microwave oven. Can smell my own skin burning.

Can hear Rai's heavy footfalls. He's going to finish the job. Soon, this armor is going to be my coffin.

But he doesn't know about my secret weapon. I wouldn't send my woman into the lion's den unarmed.

The hot girl pulls out her Minebea 9mm pistol, and starts shooting the giant in the back! The effort appears to do him little to no harm, but at least she manages to damage his shoulder cannon. More importantly, it buys me precious time to heal!

“Heal,” I command, as my body begins the painful process of repairing itself. “Come on, damn you. Heal!”

Rai swings his massive arm around! Hot girl is sent crashing into the house's wooden front door!
Remember how much I hated this plan?

I force myself up, not yet completely healed, aching all over, much of my skin still tender, half of my head burnt and hairless. I extend the claws!

I rip what little of the armor is left off of me. That's cool. My real armor is on the inside.

“Hah! I knew it,” Pink armor gloats, as she lies in a pool of her own blood.

I drive my claws into her temple to shut her up for good.

Rai returns his attention to me. He tries his shoulder cannon, but it just sputters. He decides to unsheathe his enormous Katana instead. He raises the sword, and brings it down on me full force!

He is inhumanly strong! I have to block with both sets of claws to stop the blade from ripping into my shoulder!

Something doesn't smell right with this guy. He's not wearing armor. He IS the armor! I'm fighting a damn robot!

I push kick him in the stomach to get some distance, then I leap and swing the claws at him! He meets my attack with a strike of his own. Steel meets steel! But only one of us is using Adamantium. I easily shatter his Katana, like it was glass!

Then I rake his face off, exposing the wires, and diodes, and doohickeys, and gizmos, and positronic brain,... I have no idea what I'm talking about here. There's a bunch of weird, Star Trek crap inside his face.

I plunge the claws all the way through the center and out the back of his head! There's a spark followed by a puff of black smoke. When his body goes limp, I retract the claws, and let him fall.

I race over to the hot girl and her father. Her father helps her to get groggily back on her feet. She smiles at me, then literally falls into my arms.

“You did it, Logan,” she tenderly whispers into my ear, her voice cracking, her tears wetting my shoulder. “You kept your promise. You set me free.”

“Of course. I always keep my promises, Darlin'.”

She pulls away and frowns at me.

“How come you haven't been calling me by my name?”

“W-what?”

“I just noticed. You've been calling me Darling all day. You haven't mentioned my name once.”

I laugh nervously.

“Darlin', we're beyond names, now. We're in the terms of endearment phase.”

She raises an eyebrow, but eventually accepts my answer, and wraps her arms around my neck again. I breathe a sigh of relief.

#

One year later, on our wedding day.

The priest asks me, “Logan, do you take Cheskka to be your-”

“Cheskka! Right!” I blurt out.

I feel everyone's eyes on me. Even my lovely bride is eying me with curiosity.

I begin sweating, then I clear my throat, and whisper to the priest, “Sorry. Please continue.”

END

ALTERNATE ENDING

“You did it, Logan,” she whispers in my ear, her voice cracking, her tears wetting my shoulder. “You kept your promise. You set me free.”

“Of course. I always keep my promises, Darlin'.”

She pulls away and frowns at me.

“How come you haven't been calling me by my name?”

“W-what?”

“I just noticed. You've been calling me Darling all day. You haven't mentioned my name once.”

I laugh nervously.

“Darlin', we're beyond names, now. We're in the terms of endearment phase.”

I try to hug her again, but she doesn't let me.

“What's...my name,...Logan?” she stressfully, slowly, and sternly asks me.

“Darlin', names don't matter. Names don't make us who we are-”

“And who am I, Logan?!”

Quick quick! Say something cool, or suave, or sexy! Tell her she's the woman you love!

“You're,...y-you know,...that dead Yakuza guy's wife.”

DAMMIT!!!

“If you had no idea who I was, why did you make love to me twenty something times this morning?!”

Her father suddenly looks up in astonishment.

“I-I-I-”, I just stand there stuttering.

“Jesus, you're just like Akifumi,” she grumbles, rolling her eyes.

Then she turns, takes her father by the arm, and begins to walk away.

“Wait!” I call after them. “What letter does your name start with?!”

“Goodbye, Logan!” she angrily responds without looking back.

“Gimme a hint or something! Does it sound like,...you know, a female body part? Is it...Mulva?! Or Dolores?!”

She just keeps walking. Her father does give me a parting apologetic, and grateful, little bow. I answer with a resigned nod.

Women. You save their parent from a powerful crime lord, and you're this knight in shining armor. But shout the wrong name, and you're suddenly the spawn of Satan, himself.

Oh, well. Still took down a major Yakuza Shategashira. Might as well go to a cheap bar, and reward myself with a drink...or two...or three...

END