Bitter Goodbyes

I have never been good with Goodbyes. They seem to leave a void in me, a gaping hole that takes eons to clot over and scar. It doesn't matter what KIND of Goodbye it is. I don't discriminate, I try to avoid them all the same.

You see for me taking leave of a situation, of somebody or of something gives me feel like I am being abandoned... It never feels mutual to me. Whether I part from clothes, from an apartment, from a person because I CHOSE to do so (or the current situation dictates I must) I feel like they are all abandoning me.

Currently I am in a process to move from my shared apartment of five years because my flatmate has chosen to live by herself (it is a little more complex than that but that is all I dare to disclose on the internet). Of course I have rationalised this, she has perfectly (and selfishly) good reasons to do so, she isn't obliged to do me a favor at all. But it feels like I am being evicted, abandoned by the very place I have called home.

One might think: it's just an apartment, what is the big deal? Simply put, this entire place is emotionally invaluable to me. I struggled so much during the past five years and I've definitely come far. Big, giant, mammoth like leaps in my development happened here. I learned to try and be brave, to fight for what I want, to speak up. Most of my university career has been spent here. All of my experiences as a young adult started right here. I basically learned how to be (moderately) self sufficient and most importantly, I learned that rice with soy sauce is NOT a balanced diet. I helped remodell it to the cozy and vibrant space it is today. I've made it HALF to my liking. Maybe now it is easier to understand just how hard it is for me to say goodbye to this place.

I (hopefully) wont be a medicine student for much longer, two and a half years tops, and having to start from zero in a new place with new people cohabiting with me, new surroundings and all of the sensory overload that it comes with is just so overwhelming at the moment. I feel like I am being uprooted and transplanted to a place far away to that I call home.

I feel that this also has a lot to do with Change. In fact it has everything to do with Change. Goodbyes are metaphors of Change if you will.

Truth be told, I am currently also saying Goodbye to a very important friendship to me too. Somehow these past couple of months have put a strain between my flatmate and I, suggesting I move out having been the straw that broke the camel's back. We talked it out and cleared up misunderstandings but somehow I KNOW that it will never be the same. At least for me. Because the thing with me is that you will never have my trust back once you cross the line. It takes a while because I am patient and tend to give people second, even third chances. Once these chances have been used up and I end up hurt or disappointed, that. is. it. I am gone. Sure I can be polite and civil towards that person but I will never again let them be privvy of my innermost workings.

All in all, these are typically first world problems. Yet despite knowing that, I feel terribly unhappy and I am also angry. Because it just doesnt seem fair to have to go through with this bullshit after all I've been through. I try reasoning with myself: why arent you happy? you have (almost) everything you ever wanted?

That almost sticks out like a sore thumb. What is the meaning to almost everything? The foremost almost in my life is that friendship. I will never have it back. It will never be the same.

Stupid Change.