Just Three Days

Friday October 16 6:03 am

"Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death. Amen."

Are they still praying? What mystery is this now? Can' t we just have one normal and silent morning? I woke up at four in the morning for this?

This is what happens when they schedule field trips on October in a Catholic school. Only five more months and I am out of here, for good. No more masses in the gym once a month, no more biased world religion teachers, no more of this religious crap.

Just five more months.

I know it's mean but seriously, the school is too traditional. I get that certain sacraments are important and all, but including these Catholic doctrines in classes that have little to nothing to do with religion, that has to stop.

I'm not religious. The idea of a supreme deity or god watching over us is kind of superficial but there are those days that I admit, I find it inspiring and admirable. I've seen my mom pray countless times and invite me to pray along but, reading from novenas and those tiny booklets seemed so, I don't know, scripted, not authentic enough. I'm not religious and though I feel that the beliefs are superficial and idealistic, I think it is still important people have something to cling to in times of need. Sometimes, people are so down that the idea of a god willing to help any time sounds like the best thing in the world right now.

This is why I have no problem whether people believe in God or Buddha or whoever. I just wished they wouldn't shove their beliefs down other people's throats. I just wished that when I don't accept their offer to convert, they wouldn't criticize me or give me the snake eye.

Just let the person figure it if he or she wants to believe or not. Is that too much to ask for, Mother Mary's school of Ohio?

I push my earphones further into my ears and focus on Jaymes Young's voice.
He's singing, "I'll be good, I'll be good. And I'll love the world, like I should..."

I'm not a good person, but at least I have the heart in me to want to be good. It's not easy and there aren't exactly a lot of people in my life that are okay examples of being good. My family is somewhat fine but I know they hate me, so any gesture of kindness is only done in front of watchful spectators. Yes, I am aware that even though you don't see their love, doesn't mean it's not there or any other crap along those lines.

I am the product of infidelity and lies and though that is not my fault but my dad's, I kind of feel that who I am adds to the never-ending bitterness of my mom and just deepens the crack in our family. The everyday sight of me and the flaws I have doesn't anger my mom but just hurts her. I do hate what my dad did but if he didn't do it , I wouldn't exist. Every single day that I spend with my mom has been what I call an understandable hell, I still want to live despite knowing that I wasn't supposed to.

Or maybe, I do want to stop living but I know to myself that their marriage will still be broken. Say my biological mother aborted me or I was miscarried, my mom would still be hurt and my dad would have to live with his mistake for the rest of his life.

Existing or not, it wouldn't matter. It's like I was a strong gust of wind that made people shiver for a while but once I leave, they're back to normal and the shiver is forgotten.

"Hey, are you sleeping already?" I feel a finger poke on my cheek twice. It's Claud, my partner for this field trip. "I wasn't. I'm just bored," I answer back nonchalantly. I bend over to get my water jug and take a few sips. I watch the drips of water outside the jug for a while when I see a bag of Cheetos handed to me.

"I'm excited to see everyone's reaction to our senior prank," Claud says as she licks off the cheese from her fingers. I take out my earphones and a eat some. " It's not really our ultimate senior prank, but yeah, I'm excited too."

Different chips are being passed around the bus like always and I take a few potato chips from those passed to me. I wasn't really hungry but I needed to take some before there were no more left. I silently eat my chips while Claud and some of our other friends laugh about something. I think they're making fun of this year's tour guide so I stretch my neck upwards to see what she looks like.

She's small for her age, I think smaller than me and her high pitched voice matches perfectly for her height. Her hair is obviously damaged from most likely the different hair dyes she uses. Half of her head is platinum silver and the other half is denim blue, all tucked in a low pony tail. I think that's what my friends are making fun of or maybe her voice, I don't really care. I hardly slept last night and the rosary worked as a great lullaby.

When I realize that the tour guide is just talking about caring for the environment and how our government should help out, I plug my earphones back in and close my eyes. I hear hushes from people and I think its because of my friends being too noisy. I open my eyes for a second and look out the window. I see signs saying 40 km to St. Gabriel Homes for the Weary and Sick. The first time and the last time I've been there was three years ago. Fortunately, there will never be an instance where I have to go there again.