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My blog of half-important thoughts and consistent communication practice. |
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There was never much hope. Just a fool's hope. ~Gandalf I'm not going to lie to you I don't have a plan for this blog, but a purpose does seem to be slowly emerging. I'll give my thoughts on this and that: maybe politics, a little religion, and talk about cultural touchstones that are important to me. Overall though I am going to be as personal as I feel comfortable sharing with the internet. This is going to result in some raw ideas coming up that may need to be cooked for longer, but I am not trying to write a perfect tome at the moment. Okay, listen up. Umm...You're a bunch of dirty misfits. But you're all that's left, so you'll have to do. ~Cayde-6 Writing is my passion and working on this blog has become a therapeutic source to me. I owe a lot to everyone who has read this blog; I don't know what interest first brought you here, however, I thank you for the time. Do or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda |
| 1st Day of NaNo This year I find myself starting National Novel Month in a hotel on the prairies looking at mountains and listening to sea shanties. Needless to say that this NaNo has caught me a bit unprepared. My thoughts are currently on finishing a 4th draft of a short children's story for my nephew; I am halfway through finishing that at the moment. I suspect my thoughts won't turn to this month's novel until tomorrow or late this evening. In my back pocket I do have an idea for a story that I have been dreading putting on paper because it has to be perfect. And yet the old proverb rings out in my head, "If it is worth doing it is worth doing poorly to begin with." I jokingly blame my girlfriend for this story because I hadn't ever intended to write a straightforward romance until meeting her; I am much more a fantasy and sci-fi writer with a dash of romance on the side admittedly. But I really want to write something that she will love, and thinking of her compels me in this direction. I have also never written with a female main character as the focal point of my stories, so I am just completely out of my element as a writer. Merry All Saints Day I would like to take a moment to remember the saints of the past. Let's all remember the time that Saint Nicolas walked across the room and decked a heretic at the Council of Nicaea. Onward Christian soldiers, for we do not war against men with strength of arms, but with the Gospel of Peace we wage war against spiritual powers and principalities. |
| All's Quiet on the Western Front Entering February this year is like poking my head out of a foxhole and praying there's no sniper looking in my direction. Half the time, I am feeling good, and the other half, I am feeling the weight of my circumstances. Subsequently, this is why I haven't posted for the last two Saturdays. This war of spirit and mind has just not let up. Some days I barely remember what's keeping me going, and then I see a picture my girlfriend has sent me. I don't know if I could have struggled for this long without her support. I am more than thankful to God for her being in my life. But I am getting weary, and I need a lucky break. I am no good alone and I just don't know how the two of us are going to get together. I wouldn't advise anyone into a long-distance relationship, but I don't regret being with her for a second. Memento Mori,  KS   |
| The Slow Climb I've gotten better now, and my phone is fixed now. Getting motivated this week has been a slow and terrible process. There is more that I want to write than am prepared to write. I've got a story that I want to write that takes place in the Regency era, but I don't have the proper knowledge of that period. Same thing for another story, but this time and place is New France after the Seven Years' War. Two fantasy stories with themes but no conflict. A sci-fi epic that I don't know how to start. And a contemporary romance that is fully formed in my head yet is way too close for comfort— a closeness that is intrinsic to the story. I need a change. I want to see mountains again and the ocean. Feel sand beneath my feet and a soft hand holding mine. I am just tired of feeling alone in a group of people. Memento Mori, KS |
| And So It Begins Today is the first of what I envision as a weekly blog going forward until December, when I will switch it again into a daily blog. There's a little less pressure this way, yet I almost forgot it this Saturday. Off to a great start already. I have been sick for a bunch of this week, and at the same time, my phone won't connect to the charging cable. So I have unintentionally been living as good as on the moon for everyone who has wanted to reach me this week. I like that feeling when camping in the woods, but not so much when I am alone in my house, craving human contact. This whole thing has left me more exhausted than I have been in a while, and it doesn't help that my mind still wants to stick to an early-morning-and-late-night schedule. And to top it all off, I have no real plan coming into the new year for the rest of the year. Yes, I have some broad strokes that I am working from, but I haven't a clue how to make a painting out of them. I Miss My Shadow Long ago, when I was a punk teen starting to write on this website, my family had a pet rabbit. His fur was silky black with a white nose, so naturally, the only name seven kids could find agreement on was Shadow. He was a big, fat rabbit who didn't mind if you held him and was fond of having his cheeks stroked. He loved a good back scratch where it was hard for himself to reach when he was grooming, but if you held him good and stroked the fur on his cheeks with one finger, that would nearly settle him in for a nap. I remember plenty of nights where it was just me and my Shadow wrapped in a blanket, reading The Lord of the Rings. With him in my lap, we were truly guardians of a sleeping house. After my family moved to the city, Shadow was a good friend: the big ears made him a natural listener, and I was always safe knowing he wouldn't tell anyone. He knew how much I liked my private talks... I walked out of the vet that day alone. A decade and a half later, I am still missing my Shadow. And there is no Wendy to give my Shadow back to me. I ain't no Peter Pan. Memento Mori, KS |
| Happy New Year Now I know I just finished a month of daily blogging and had said my intention was to post on Saturday going forward for the next little while, but I haven't written anything since last year, and I just really have the itch to write some more. Or at least get out this silly joke. Whichever one comes first, though, I will leave it up to you, dear reader, to judge. Memento Mori, KS |
| Reflection Before I close this daily blogging challenge, I want to take a moment: I want to thank those that read this blog in part or whole, and I want to look back at how I did. I have honestly written better, though not as consistently when posting every day. I wish more of the time had gone into the side projects that I wanted to take on the side, and writing about how my progress on those was coming. I might have taken a larger bite than I should have; however, this month didn't go at all how I wanted it to go. And there is no planning for the unplanned. At the End And now I finally close out B.E.D.D. for the year. Despite everything, I do think I will be trying this again next year with a little more structure and some planning instead of firing from the hip. I didn't like writing that I was just writing without saying anything, and I don't think anyone enjoyed reading my posts of nothing. Tomorrow is a new day and a new year, and I intend to make the best of whatever happens next December. Happy New Year! Memento Mori, KS |
| Continued As I said earlier, yesterday wasn't a good day for me. Today has been better than the rest of the week, but I have had leaps and bounds better also. I am, at this point, resigned to not finishing anything for my selected contests for this month. If I do get something done, I will post it regardless of whether I can submit it or not. I am going to try and get a good night's sleep for a good start in the morning. This planet won't stop spinning if you have a bad night's sleep. Memento Mori, KS |
| A Catch-up Post Yesterday was... disappointing. I didn't get much of anything done, and after the lack of sleep I have gotten this week, I suppose it was inevitable that I would eventually miss a day. I am writing this as a quick filler for the missed blog post yesterday before I write today's post. Memento Mori, KS |
| Doubts At the End of the Year I don't know if I will be able to write a bad draft before the week is over. I wish I had more time. It's all been such a struggle this month to post, and I had such high hopes of writing a couple of short stories and a few bad poems. The start of this month was so good, but I just haven't been able to capture that energy again. Yet hope is not dead. I have a couple of ideas; I just need to write regardless of the quality at the end. And if I must submit a first draft simply to make the deadline, I must remember that my livelihood is not dependent on winning these contests. But I need to overcome this doubt, this self-destructive mindset that feels crippled with everything around me. I just feel alone and don't feel like I can reach out. I know I can— and should— reach out; I just don't know how. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what it would look like if I did reach out. What am I even looking for? I don't want a handout, but I can't do this alone. And I feel so alone. What the Next Year Holds Goinging into the new year, this blog will shift to a Saturday-only schedule. December has been really taxing on me, and maintaining a daily blog throughout has cost me more than the gaping hole in the wall beside me. It's hardly the fault of this blog. It was just the last thing I sat down to do at the end of a day when things hadn't gone right, and I had no patience left for the minor problems I suffered and made worse through my actions. Public Regret I have done very little promotion of this blog in the newsfeed and my own social circles. And if I can be honest to the readers who have stumbled onto this blog, I am sorry to have not posted my best here. Truly, I don't know how this blog has been worth reading for you as strangers when I don't even want my friends and family to see this (wholely out of embarrassment). I'm tired... I wish there was a happier tone to this blog with useful information. Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Memento Mori, KS |
| Thank You I am again surprised to find my blog featured in the "December 2022 Blogging Bliss Newsletter - One Hundred Twenty"  . I am grateful for the feature though I do wish my blog was more interesting and less pining over my lack of subject matter. Thank you for the feature Wordsmitty ✍️  .The Final Countdown Just a few days are left in the month, and I have written far less than I would have liked. I do have one good idea that I need to write down for one of the contests I set out to write for. And the other two are fuzzy thoughts that may need to be typed out and thoroughly edited in both directions. Memento Mori, KS |
| A Headache It was a quiet day today, but I have a bad headache, so I won't be posting anything substantial tonight. Memento Mori, KS |
| A Very Merry Christmas This was an amazing Christmas Day. It was a calm relaxing time with family, and I felt the love and silent concern that my family has for me and my well-being. At the end, it was a little overwhelming, and I almost cried when I got home and opened the last Christmas card that my brother had slipped into my hand as I was leaving my parents' house. I needed this time with family so much; it fills me with determination to hope for the future and work on what I can in the present. The past is what it is, and the only way to change it is to make it mean something in the now. Merry Christmas Everyone! Memento Mori, KS |
| The Night Before Christmas It is finally Christmas Eve, and the festivities were absolutely delightful this evening. My nieces and nephews made merry chasing each other around the house and decorating cookies. The two youngest are just a few months old, yet they were also enthralled by all the excitement about the place. And the Christmas Eve church service was mostly free of the long shadow of lockdowns. The winter cold also let up, and we were below -20 for the first time this week. The snowfall has been magical, and I am looking forward to shovelling this blanket of white. Merry Christmas everyone. Memento Mori, KS |
| I Did It or Leave Me Be I had written a quick blog post, but as I went to save the entry the website kicked me to the login and I lost the whole thing. After much grief and I decided that this doesn't ruin my B.E.D.D. I was at my deadline for the day and I am not letting a technical glitch destroy my streak for this month. Memento Mori, KS |
| Another Late One Once again, I have logged in late before the deadline just to write a post about being late; it may very well turn into a cliche at this point. I may have to drop the 'K' to just make this a nightly blog. I have a super early start tomorrow, so I will be sleeping in my work clothes to try and speed up the day tomorrow; I really want that one elusive early day off work and still have my deadlines at work met for this week. Memento Mori, KS |
| That's Embarrassing I just realized that for the last few days, I have been mislabeling my blog posts by nearly a hundred days. This is something I will adjust tomorrow when I have some more time. Super Late Day I was hoping for a shorter day today, and I only just got home with half an hour to knock out this blog post. Tomorrow is going to be extra busy since I have two high-priority tasks that need to be done at work and a house to put in order before the Christmas weekend. I just need a good night's sleep and an early start with maybe some eggs to eat. Definitely will need a fresh coffee in the morning before I get out the door. Memento Mori, KS |
| A Not Bad Day It was almost a good day today, but when the morning was over, I wasn't done what I wanted, the afternoon dragged, and we ran out of material at the end before we could finish. I can't help but blame myself for the project being as behind as it is, and I know all too well at least three examples in the last four days that are the direct cause and firmly on my shoulders. I was, however, composed and mostly cheerful half of the time. A Smashing End It is with great shame that I feel the need to document my first hole inflicted into a wall through a fit of anger. I was trying to save a screenshot for later, and my mouse wasn't cooperating with me. So I elbowed the wall beside me out of frustration. I'm not proud of myself, and now I have to fix a hole in my living room. I hope I can get off work at 3 pm tomorrow—I have an early start—there are so many little things piled up around the house that need to get done, and I just don't have the time or patience at the end of the day to deal with it all. Memento Mori, KS |
| My Duty I have had a couple of hours to calm down, but this will still be a rather raw blog entry. Sorry I wasn't able to get it to at least a medium. My sense of responsibility is all out of whack; I am supposed to be everything and am nothing at the same time. Truthfully, I'm beyond my breaking point and am just clinging to the debris, waiting for a light on the horizon. It is dark enough that I can't see what the purpose is in all of this. I am stepping with the little light I have at my feet and believing that there will be more pathway to step on as I move forward. I just pray I am moving forward. My only clear duty is to step and speak, and I don't know how to speak. I only write for myself, the void, and a record of the past. Honestly, if it weren't for this daily blogging I am doing this month, I wouldn't post this, but I can't think of anything else to type. To Go Back I am glad to at least be listening to my favourite band, Red. Listening to one of their older albums takes me back to simpler times, times I ironically wished for better times to be in. I miss the simplicity of those days. I want just a single day I can take guilt-free with the world shut out and a pen dancing across the paper of my notebook. I miss thumbing through the blank pages just to see how much room I had to lay out my ideas in all their intricate details. Memento Mori, KS |
| One Week 'Til Christmas We are officially within the last seven days before Christmas. This year I am preparing handmade Christmas cards for all of my immediate family (there is a lot of us, and I can't afford gifts right now). I am practicing my calligraphy skills and tailoring my Christmas greetings for each member and household. I can't remember the last time I made a card, yet it feels natural to be writing and folding paper again. It's Cold Outside The wind has been howling, and the temperature has continued to fall. And my feet can stand it no longer. I have installed a strip on the bottom of my door to block the cold that has been sweeping in the gap. I meant to do it sooner, but sometimes the item has to be staring at me in the store before I finally act. And the result of the new door strip is noticeably warmer floors already, and it hasn't even been an hour since I did it. Memento Mori, KS |
| A Quick Note I got to just write down something before I chew my fingers off. I am biting them with a vengeance, and it is just another thing I have to stop. Memento Mori, KS |
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