Baby Blues

Something needed to change in order for happiness to thrive. After all, youth only lasts for so long. When one becomes tired of living they may do things that they'd never have dreamed of doing before. Living in a habitual state of depression caused me to become restless. I'd have done anything to feel again. That's when I found him. The one who would change my life and become a part of it forever. The man who sucked me into his world and made me feel loved. When we'd met his eye's were what had drawn me in. They burned outwardly with a passion, all the while hiding all of his own sadness just behind his corneas. These eyes would become my favorite sight to behold. From our first meeting we'd known things about the other that hadn't been said aloud. Our thoughts hovered in the air above our heads. We'd had a shared knowledge that would make us inseparable. You see, when two people who have suffered their own grievances are suddenly thrust together a bond is formed like no other. Our bodies were set alight when we'd touched. His kisses healed pieces of my soul. Every touch had fixed a piece of me and little by little I had begun to enjoy life again. I trusted him with every piece of my being. We'd found our own little heaven together. Of course, as we got closer we began to develop a story of our own. Everything we'd done in the past would catch up with us. We would share those untold stories. The air above us would be cleared of old debris. Except some things should never escape ones lips. We could only hold each other above water for so long until our burdens sank us. Every action was made cautiously as to not disturb the other. We would no longer feel that buzz that electrified our touches. Our love became forced, as if we'd both given up on each other. We took all that we could from the other until we could take no more. Frustration was behind every conversation. Every word I uttered had become fuel for his boiling attitude towards what we had started to become. He was afraid to love. His past had prevented him from becoming too attached, whereas my own allowed me to naively fall head over foot for him. In the end I could no longer take him. Someone who had put a life back into my body was now tearing me apart. When we left things for good he thought things would be okay. That everything would go back to normal. I guess that he was okay, he always will be. However, I would be the one to carry the burdens we had created together. Our love hadn't always been catatonic. We loved each other so deeply and fiercely it would become prevalent. The final moments spent with him were difficult. I was physically and emotionally a mess. He had already known my suspicions of your existence. I'd asked if you were possible. I needed to know if you could be. Not for my own sake, not for his sake, but for yours. He'd told me that you weren't a possibility. He'd said that I was just sick and the weather was to blame. Except you were no cold, were you. I cannot express the terror and excitement and sadness and the million other feelings that crossed my mind when your existence was confirmed. My world came crashing down around me. There is nothing that I could have done that would have prepared me for the news of you. The life I'd been living for months was supposed to heal me. I was supposed to be fixing my own life not creating a new one. Your existence shook me to my core. I found the irony in a positive. I was frightened and irrational. Others had suspected your existence before I'd known. Nobody throws up every day for two weeks without a reason. when the dates were put together I realized that you were eight weeks into growing. You were the size of a kidney bean. You had eyes and a heart and your tiny fingers and toes were beginning to form. I'd wondered if your eyes would shine like his had. I was terrified just at the thought of you. I'd only just begun to accept your existence when I realized I was losing you. I didn't think that I would be able to move on, I don't think I ever will. I had only begun to cope with the fact that you were here. To lose you just when I'd begun to love you hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in my entire life. I had been wanting to feel, but not like this. You shouldn't have had to be the blunt end of a bad joke. You deserved so much more. You deserved the world and it deserved you. You had an unfair beginning and a cruel ending. He'll never know that you existed. Although I never got to see you or hold you I still loved you. My body still yearns for you. I'll never forget you. you are a part of me that I'll never get back. I will remember when your birthday was supposed to be. Every September I'll be thinking of you. You were supposed to be born on September twentieth. I will always love you. Even if you were only with me for a little while. You will remain a piece of my heart forever.


To the baby that was but never will be.
love, your mommy.