My intense grief just after the death of my son, in words |
On cold wint’ry eves the sun sinks to the ground, And twilight slips into her indigo gown, I tilt my face skyward, think, “What wouldn’t I give?” To go back to when Jordan still had two weeks to live. Two weeks, not so much Lord, it’s all that I’ll ask, Is that too much, Father? Too big of a task? If only I’d known on that day by the sea That his time was so short, I'd have pulled him to me And told him the secrets of loving a boy That brought me such angst, such heartache, such joy I’d relive every day since the night he was born And shelter him safe from the oncoming storm A storm that brewed near as we sat on that dock With time winding down, a whisper-soft ticking-tock If only I’d known as we sat knee to knee On a creaking wood platform over blue Carib sea That 12 days from then was the day he would die I never, ever, ever would have told him goodbye Jordan, please know that wherever you are, You’re always right here, always close, never far I search every night in a diamond-filled sky And imagine you beyond here, soaring so high If only it were possible, what would I not give To go back to the time you had 4 days to live I could see you were happy, brand new ride, new career… You came through my door, smiling face, ear to ear I hugged you so tightly, for the last time to hold My second-born son with his long curls of gold “I fly out tomorrow!” I called, “at quarter to one!” You lived 4 more short days and your work here was done What wouldn’t I give to go back into time, To hold you again? To reclaim what was mine? To turn back the clock and beg God please let you live… What wouldn’t I give, God? What wouldn’t I give? |