Salvation Armed Santa

A Salvation Army Santa is ringing his bell next to a collection bucket. A person walks by and drops some money. After seeing that the person’s contribution was sizable he calls out to them.

Santa: Merry Christmas!

Another person walks by and drops a nominal amount of money in. Santa yells at them as they walk away.

Santa: Yeah, real nice contribution for the needy. (Under his breath) Cheap ass.

A few more people walk by and drop money in. Santa wishes each a merry Christmas. Santa seems pleasant enough until a man carrying a bunch of shopping bags walks straight by without acknowledging him.

Santa: Excuse me sir. Don’t you have a contribution to help those in need? Care to help those less fortunate?

Man 1: Um…I guess I have a few dollars.

Santa: A few dollars? Wow! I guess my services aren’t needed anymore. I suppose with an overabundance of generosity such as you possess I don’t even need to stand here for hours on end ringing a bell trying to make sure some poor kid has presents to open on Christmas. Or maybe something to eat!

Man 1: I guess…I guess I can put more in.

Santa: You guess? You know don’t worry about it. It’s okay. You have obviously done your part to help someone other than yourself. (motioning towards the shopping bags) I wouldn’t want you to put a strain on your financial situation. God forbid someone else as selfless as you come along to give as hearty of a donation. We wouldn’t even have poverty with such “saint-like” altruism.

The man drops more money in.

Santa: Yeah, thanks. Run along now mother Theresa.

The man walks off. More people give money as they pass. Then a well-dressed man walks straight by talking on his cell phone and doesn’t even notice Santa standing there.

Santa: Hey, fuck stain!

The man pauses and tells the person he is talking to he will call them back. He turns around angry at such a transgression.

Man 3: What did you call me!?

As he says this Santa draws a gun on the man. The man freezes, scared.

Santa: Too busy to help those in need? How about you drop some money in the fuckin’ bucket.

Man 3: Whoa, calm down man… Are you … mugging me?

Santa: Genius figures it out! Come on, the needy don’t have all day to wait on big shots like you.

The man pulls out his wallet, fishes through it for a smaller bill and drops it in.

Santa: You’re joking right? More…

The man sighs and puts in another smaller bill.

Santa: That’s it.

The man pauses for a moment.

Santa: Come on Money Bags keep the cash flowin.

The man hesitates so Santa pushes the gun to his chest. The man puts a sizable bill in. Santa cocks his head in disgusted disapproval.

Santa: More…

As the man puts more money in another passerby drops money in. Without flinching, Santa calls out “God bless!” to them. He turns back to the man and motions the gun towards the bucket. The man reluctantly empties his wallet into the bucket. Santa lowers the gun and motions for the man to leave, eyeing him the whole time. As the man turns to leave Santa taps him.

Santa: Hey…Merry Christmas.

The man hurries off quite flustered. Another person drops money in.

Santa: Happy holidays!