Fake Religion

Fake Religion by Rory Smith
Chapter One
We are wild beats, who have been tamed.
We are locked up in concrete canyons.
They say God created love.
As a simple game of revenge.
For all his ‘saken citizens.
Who swore in Heaven.
They say God has driven me insane.
But it is all just a daze.

Story Location : Aberholyness, North Scotland, the capital of the North.
The Main Character : Simon ‘Boj’ McLeish.

Simon had been to church for weddings, funerals and school trips, he was a Presbyterian of Gypsy origins.
Simon ‘Boj’ McLeish was a 30 year old man who had left his gypsy ways behind, at the age of twenty to become a mentally ill drop out, on benefits.
He sat watching TV, smoking pot, as he sulked at the loss of his girlfriend Mary Leneadmag, who had dumped him for his strange beliefs. He sang to himself the song, ‘It Must Have Been Love’ by Roxette. The ideal break up song.
Fortunately for Simon his pal Des, came round. Des was also a pot smoker. Des brought with him a gold plated dragon designed pipe, some frankincense perfume, and a mercury thermometer. The two discussed their theories that the 9/11 terror attacks, were an inside job by Dick Cheney to make billions of pounds and get more power for the Bush junior presidency. Or Simon’s other theory that JKF was assassinated by some rouge CIA agents. And his other theory that the Moon landing was a fake. Also their other theory that there were cities on Mars inhabited by the elites of Earth.
Des was a wacky guy, and tried to convince Simon to come with him and his friends to visit a brothel.
But Simon thought that brothels were against his moral values, as they exploited women. Also he would never pay for sex, when you could get it for free.
It was winter night outside, cold and desolate, and the streets were deserted.
Then all of a sudden a light shone, from the outside, through the curtains of Simon’s grungy flat. The two of them got up in shock to see a shining light in the sky, it looked like a bright meteorite or comet, and Des and Simon could see the trail behind that must have stretched for miles.
Des quickly retorted, ‘Oh my God. It is the apocalypse. I’m going to see my girlfriend and her kids before they are killed off on this night. What do they call it in Highlander, the quickening?’
Simon replied, ‘I don’t think that is the quickening, no.’
Des got his coat and ran out of the flat.
Simon said to himself, ‘Probably just a meteorite shower.’
Just then 10 or 15 rocks fell past his window as rocks pummelled onto the ground for a few seconds.
Simon heard Des screaming outside as he tried to dodge the small meteorites.

Chapter Two - Transfiguration
All of a sudden Simon felt behind him a bright white light, and he realised that he was shining bright from himself. A radiant light appeared around Simon, and then everything went black.
Simon awoke in the Aberholyness Presbyterian Cathedral in the very centre of his city.
Simon recognised the Aberholyness Presbyterian Cathedral from where he used to go as a kid, and then the school trips he had been on.
The cathedral was partly filled with 50 desperate worshipers, who saw the comet as a revelation from God.
They were amazed to see this man suddenly appear in the cathedral from nowhere.
Some got down on their knees and begged for forgiveness.
Simon laughed and said, ‘I’m no one special. What are you guys so in awe about?’
Then he remembered he had been transported from his flat to the cathedral as if my magic, ‘Oh, I suppose you do have a point.’

Just then the ceiling of the cathedral shone bright like the light he had seen behind him before he was transported here, and a deep deafening voice from the ceiling said, ‘This is my Second Son, a Beloved. With him I am hopeful I’ll be pleased. Listen to him.’
The cathedral was filling up and voices of awe and religious fervour filled the cathedral as Simon felt a confident religious aura around him.
A large white cloaked grey bearded Swedish looking man appeared 10 ft tall in the altar.
Then in a deep Polish sounding voice the bearded man, ‘Simon McLeish, you are my second son. I have come here to ask what you have done in your life?’
Simon looked in shock, ‘Surely there is some mistake? I was a Gypsy. I was brought up by my parents Maria and Joseph.’
God spoke, ‘No you were of a virgin birth, and were adopted by Maria and Joseph. Now I ask you what miracles have you performed and treaties of love and peace have you brought to the Earth? I have not visited this planet since you were born. I have visited worlds light years from this Earth, and have set up new civilisations, and taught peace and love to all these worlds. You my second son tell me, what have you done? What do you do?’
Simon did not seem that shocked to discover he was the son of God. He thought to himself, about what he had done with his life. Simon realised that he spent most of the time smoking marijuana and masturbating to pictures of beautiful, over the age of consent, naked women. But he realised this was not the place to tell people that that is what he did with his time, so instead he spoke out his views, ‘Well I have discovered numerous conspiracies on the internet. For instance Dick Cheney allowed 9/11 to happen, JFK was assassinated by the CIA. The Moon landings were a fake. Aliens control all the mainstream media, and make everyone in the elites, do what they say. The Queen of Great Britain is really a giant lizard. Jesus Christ was a time traveller from the future. Ghosts exist and are used by MI5 to spy on foreigners and me. The Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Yeti are a con trick, by the mainstream media. In reality they are aliens trying to fool us into thinking there is a Loch Ness Minister. In reality the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur.’
God looked furious, and interrupted ’Are you seriously telling me this is the nonsense you have been spending your time on? And I have just looked inside your brain. I know what you do with your spare time, and it is disgusting. I did not give you the power of love to waste playing with yourself.’

Some people in the cathedral laughed, and Simon went bright red.

God then asked Simon, ‘Give me three miracles you would like me to perform for you.’

Simon replied, ‘Number one my favourite football team Aberholyness to win the Scottish League, European Cup and then the World Club Championship. Then number two the famous Welsh opera singer, Katherine Swift the most beautiful woman in the world and number one singer and pop star, to fall in love with me and marry me. Oh and 10 more miracles.’

God reacted with fury and bellowed, ‘Is this the sort of narcissistic selfish miracles you want to perform? What kind of idiot are you? What about all the famine, pestilence, and war? That is what you’re supposed to be worried about. Not what your favourite football team do, or getting off with women.’

Simon half jokingly replied, ‘What is pestilence?’

God angrily shouted some hair dryer treatment shouting, and Simon felt the full warm wind in his face.

God then stated, ‘Jesus my first son, took with him twelve disciples to spread his word of love and peace. If you could choose twelve people as your disciples to follow you, who would you choose?’

Simon replied, ‘Twelve of my biggest heroes. Well that is a tough one.’
Simon then reamed off a list of 6 of the most beautiful and sexy women in the world. And why he found them so good looking, and then he listed 6 cool men he would like to meet, He listed 2 famous male football players, one famous golf player, one famous rugby union player, a famous tennis player, and lastly his favourite shinty player.’

God was furious and bellowed again at what a stupid second son he had.
God shouted, ‘You are supposed to choose wise men, and wise women who you could lead to spread a message of love and peace, not a list of female celebrities you would like to have sex with or famous sports stars you would like to meet.’

God then asked, ‘Do you know anything about religion? Go on tell me. Do you have any religious knowledge?’

Simon then spoke up, ‘I know quite a lot about religion. I have read Dan Brown. Also some say that the Book of Job gives a code that a battle will take place in heaven which will result in Satan and his demons imprisoned on Earth.’
Then Simon said, ‘Job was a great man of the old testament who was tested, with loss and pain, to see if his faith and morality could stand up to difficulties. So he maintained his righteousness despite his loss. Some claim the Book of Job is the oldest book of the Bible. Also the re’em is a creature mentioned in the bible nine times, and many claim it is a unicorn.’
God put his right hand to his chin and put on a effort to listen, as Simon continued to talk, ‘The word Job is a capitonym. A capitonym is any word which changes its meaning when it is capitalized. Also I know William Blake was an English poet, and painter, who illustrated stunning work on the Book of Job.’
Simon continued his informative speech, ‘Plus I have analysed what Job’s Job was. I claim he was self employed. With his own very large agro - business. It is said his wealth included seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred oxen and five hundred donkeys.’
God stopped him, ‘OK, OK. I take it you like the Book of Job.’
Simon then made a joke, ‘What is the type of job Santa Claus has?’
God then spoke, ‘I don’t know.’
Simon then replied, ‘He was elf employed. Get it, self employed, elf employed.’
God then exclaimed, ‘Dear Me. I meant to say Dear God.’

Simon made another religious joke, ‘I put the word fun back in Christian fundamentalist.’

Simon decided to make a wise comment so said, ‘When you’re selling cat food, sell to the human, not to the cat.’
The cathedral was filled with people who were now worried that this second son of God was so bad at making jokes.
By now film crews had arrived in the cathedral and a crowd of 110,000 had gathered outside the cathedral for the sight of God.
God decided to shift the gears up, a bit and made the cathedral surrounded by a bright white light, and made his voice and Simon‘s voice beckon all the way round the city.
Then God made a bigger move, he decided to welcome for the second coming his first son.
God spoke, ‘Will you now welcome my proud first son? He was born 2000 years ago in Bethlehem, Judea, in the Roman Empire. His hometown was Nazareth, Galilee. A man whose impact has grown and grown for last two millennia.’
God continued, ‘You Christians regarded my son rightly as the awaited Messiah, and in his greatest act of sacrifice he was crucified in Jerusalem on the orders of the Roman Empire‘s Pontius Pilate.’
The crowd cheered with delight as Jesus Christ walked from behind the altar, to a awe struck, filled cathedral.
Jesus was humble and bowed his head. He was dark skinned and looked Semitic. Not at all like the traditional western image of Jesus Christ.
Simon exclaimed, ‘Did you know there is a theory Pontius Pilate was from Scotland?’
God ignored this remark from Simon, and then God bigged up Jesus saying, ‘My first son Jesus performed numerous miracles such as the calming of the storm, turning water into wine, the cleansing of the ten lepers, the feeding of the 5,000, he walked on water, and who could forget the time he flew over the city of Jerusalem, like Superman.’
Jesus corrected God, ‘Actually Dad I never did that last one.
God spoke, ‘Oh that must have been a dream I had.’
God then spoke up and said, ‘When you compare what my first son did and what my second son has done, it is quite impossible to say they were comparable.’
The crowd laughed as they compared the work of Jesus to that of marijuana smoking mentally ill Simon.
Simon was embarrassed and stood up for himself, ‘Well hold on I know Jesus did not get some important moral values pushed forward. For instance I am against slavery, Jesus never said, that he was against slavery.’
Jesus agreed, ‘Yes, Dad. I was not so clear on slavery. Simon has some superior views to me there.’
Simon then spoke up, ‘And. I am against school bullying and adult bullying, and cyber bullying. Also I am against people being sexually attracted to bullies.’
Jesus replied, ‘Yes that is also a good point. I did some things less than Simon there.
Simon then spoke again, ‘And what about homophobia. I am against homophobia. What abut that homophobic commandment, thou shall not covert thy neighbours’ ass. That is homophobic.’
Jesus smiled a little. Then God spoke, ‘That commandment was nothing about homosexuality, it is about a neighbours donkey.’
Simon continued, ‘Well surely being against gays and lesbians is terrible. We realise that in today’s age. Plus the biggest one of all. There is nothing in the 10 commandments or the Jesus teachings that speaks out against paedophilia and child abuse. Well I hate child abuse and paedophilia. There should be a new 10 commandments arguing bullying, homophobia, racism, sectarianism, wife beating, fancying bullies, child abuse, child pornography, slavery, sexism, and rape.’
That was 11 commandments, but no one was counting.
Jesus stated, ‘Look! I was more about forgiveness, visiting prisoners, and love, than being judgemental. Although I do realise that I should have spoken out more against, child abuse and slavery. Those are my two biggest regrets.’
Simon then blustered, ‘Also you never know some of my teachings may become better known after I die like Jesus’s comments did.’
Jesus again spoke up, ‘My brother is right. He could have more impact after his death.’
Jesus then said a few words in Aramaic, the ancient language of his birth.
Suddenly from out of the crowd stepped a former Scottish bishop who asked Simon, ‘Why did Mary and Joseph go to Bethlehem, before Jesus’s birth?’
Simon joked back, ‘For Christmas.’

God then decided to let Simon and Jesus talk to each other for moral guidance.

Chapter Three - Changed Ways
After a 1 hour discussion by the two broadcasted all over the planet.
Simon was quickly persuaded to give up on selflessness and Jesus was progressively taught some new moral values.
God then asked Simon for his new four miracles he would give out.
Simon becomes sane, and claimed he now had four new miracles he wanted to perform, these were, cure everyone of AIDS, cure everyone of cancer, cure everyone of Parkinson’s disease, and to show of compassion for those with mental illness.

God carried out these miracles with the help of the powerful Jesus, and the whole world saw no more AIDS, cancer or Parkinson’s, and there was more tolerance of those with mental illness.

Then in front of the crowds, Jesus and God flew off on the back of the long tailed comet, to another planet, to carry out miracles and spread their word of love and peace.


Chapter Four
Simon became an international superstar, more famous than anyone on Earth. The First Ministers of Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland were the first politicians to meet him. The Presidents of the USA, Germany, the European Union, Poland, Russia, Turkey, South Africa, Hungary, Romania, Kazakhstan, Iran, Brazil, India, Mongolia, Nigeria, China, Mexico, all met him. The Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom, Canada, Spain, Japan, Israel, Australia, and New Zealand met him. The King and Queens of every monarchy on the globe wanted to shake him by the hand as the new son of God.
Simon wrote numerous books on morality and was awarded honorary degrees from universities as far as China, India, Greece, Russia, Africa, The USA, and from every continent on the Earth. He was named a visiting honorary professor at universities such as Yale, Harvard, Oxford, Cambridge, plus Aberdeen and St Andrews in Scotland.
He was awarded the keys to the city of Aberholyness.
He was awarded a place on the UN security council, due to his position with God. Women wanted to sleep with him. Men wanted to be his friend, and he found out that his addiction to pot had stopped.
Simon made sure he did not become too rich on the back of his fame. Due to the selflessness his brother Jesus had taught him he gave almost all his wealth to charities. The charities ranged from those against child abuse, and those against bullying, to those for treatments for the sick, and the preservation of rare animals.
He felt happy, but soon he got a backlash from some criticising him. Some religions called for him to be killed as a false prophet. As time went by conspiracy theorists claimed it was all a trick that he had performed with MI5 and the CIA. The conspiracy radio shows he had listened to in the past avidly now claimed he was evil, and was in fact the Antichrist, who had carried out special tricks to claim to be a new Jesus. And that broke his heart.
He missed that he would never see his father God, and his brother Jesus again.
Simon read in the Bible Mark 6:3, that Jesus was referred to as son of Mary and brother of James, Joses, Judas and Simon. And that he had some sisters.
So Simon felt proud that somewhere he had had sisters and brothers, other than Jesus. If only he thought, he could have met them.
On a lighter note he met the beautiful Katherine Swift. She was nice, but turned him down for a date. Simon realised that his original 3 miracles, that God scoffed at, weren’t going to happen.
Well at least he had his more serious miracles come true. He had cured Parkinson’s, AIDS, cancer and helped those with mental illness.
Then to his amazement his favourite Scottish soccer team Aberholyness won the Scottish Football Premier League, then the European Champions League, and Super Cup followed by the World Club Championship of football.
Simon was able to attend the Champions League and World Club Championship finals, in Athens, Greece and Tokyo, Japan, respectively.
Simon looked up to the sky on both occasions and gave a thumbs up thanks to God and Jesus for his favourite miracles.
Simon led a peaceful, busy, famous, successful life, and attended many celebrity events.
He toured the World to acclaim, and died at the age 97 years old. Simon was given a state funeral in London, City, Great Britain. But there was no resurrection for Simon. And after his death the world found new illnesses, to combat, new divisions to challenge them and new wars to divide them.