Speechless

Speechless

Collette looked down at the body before her. What an ugly dress, she thought unhappily. She grimaced and looked around for her family. They sat in the front row. Her husband remained restrained, not letting any tears fall down his face. Her blond daughter, Ali, who sat next to him, was a mess in opposition to his restraint. Tears poured down her angry face. It was probably her that put the dress on the body. Collette had wanted a cremation, not a burial. They hadn't listened. It was probably Ali's fault. She had always been stubborn, but Collette knew the real reason for her disobedience. Ali hoped the threats of a haunting would be real.

Collette smiled softly and turned to the pulpit as the preacher walked up to the mic. Why was this drab man running the show? She was disappointed in the whole ordeal. This wasn't supposed to be a funeral. It was supposed to be a celebration of life. A celebration of her life. She wanted to scream but couldn't utter a word.

"We are here today to celebrate the life of Collette Simmons," the preacher started out. She looked back around to the audience. This was not a celebration of any sort, she scowled, noticing all the black. She looked back to her husband. He was wearing colors. He had always been good about giving her what she asked for. He was wearing a burnt orange button up shirt with a sunshine yellow vest. She had bought him a set much like it when they were dating. She'd been overjoyed when this extremely masculine man actually wore those colors for her the first time. He wasn't the type to go against social conditioning so it was impressive. He looked perfect. Even now in his late seventies, he looked vibrant in them. She was going to miss him. At least for a little while.
Ali being the difficult child she had always been wore all black. She refused to do what her mother asked for. Collette knew it was because Ali was going to miss her and had to show this through the rebelliousness. Even in her fifties, she still had to show her mother that no one controlled her. They'd fought all of her life, up until Collette became sick and couldn't argue anymore. Why weren't they happy that she was in a better place now? Or supposed to be, but at least she was sane again. She couldn't imagine the unhappiness that had pursued while she was out of her mind. Shouldn't they be at ease now? Or maybe that's why they were crying. They were overjoyed she was gone... except her husband. He knew that she would hate everyone crying so much. They'd discussed their funerals on a few occasions, so he knew what she wanted. She wondered why he hadn't done what she wanted. There was not a lot of music and celebration going on. There was an organ that droned on with old church hymns that would have put her to sleep, and this drab little preacher man whose voice rose and fell like the motion of a wave. She wondered if her husband had just let Ali set it up. She looked back to her husband and children. She approached him and tried to place a soft kiss on his forehead. She knew he hurt inside. How couldn't he after all the time they'd been together. Most people hadn't made it to their twenty-fifth anniversary, and they had made it beyond their fiftieth. He was such an amazing man. She wanted to wipe the tears off of Ali's cheeks.
She wondered why she was still here. Was this to be her eternity? She noticed movement in the dark, back corner of the room. She looked again at her husband, her golden haired child, and the rest of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She would miss them all.
"And now, Collette would've liked memories to be shared. It was something she mentioned to her husband before she passed away. Anybody that would like to speak is welcome to come up." She hoped they wouldn't tell sweet, sappy stories or reinvent the truth to make her better than she was. She hoped they would tell stories of how she envisioned herself in her old age running over little kids in the grocery stores with the electric carts. If her husband was the man she hoped he'd always be, he'd tell funny stories, but she knew Ali would be sure to be sappy, just to piss her off. Collette wished she could let Ali know she was still here.
She noticed the movement again in the back corner and started moving towards it leaving her family to tend to their grieving. In the corner, she found an old friend. The years since they'd last seen each other had been good to him. His golden hair had turned white with age, but his strong, handsome face held very few wrinkles. After getting over the initial shock of seeing him, she got angry. After all these years, he finally showed back up. He just lost all contact with her, and why? Because.... He's a jerk, she ranted at herself. He was a spoiled jerk. Suddenly he looked extremely upset, causing her to glance around to see what was triggering it. Up at the podium, Ali stood speaking.

"My mother was the eccentric sort, and she thrived in it. She refused to let us forget it, no matter how much we begged," Ali began. Collette smiled, happy that Ali was being true to her. She looked back at her friend and saw that he had moved to the door. She followed, blowing a final kiss back to her golden haired child.

When she caught up to her friend outside, he stood looking down at a tombstone, his face covered in tears. It took her back a moment. If she'd been able to speak, she would have been speechless. She couldn't push it back anymore. She looked towards the heavens. Why am I still here, God, she asked. Is this my eternity?

"When he called me the first time," her friend started out of nowhere, "I was flabbergasted. I had hoped one day you'd forgive me and call me, but to pick up the phone with that name on the caller id and it be him, I was blown away. He said that in your Alzheimer's you'd been calling out for me and hoped that by coming to see you, it would help. It didn't, of course, or at least I don't think it did. Your husband said it did. He said it calmed you down to see me. Though he would laugh when he said that so I don't know what not calm was. I really needed to hear what you had to say to me though so I couldn't resist going to see you.... I'm sorry." He started to break down again. This obstinate man that she had known for so many decades and had never known to cry, was sobbing. At least he decided to do it outside. Too bad the others hadn't shown the same respect, she thought. She smirked at her callousness. "I'm sorry I waited too long. Your husband... he's.... he's a good man. Your children... they seem very... very much like a mix of you and him. The oldest one... yeah, I know, the oldest one is different. The only blond in the family... yeah, I know... you told me... I know you told me about her, but... well, I didn't want to believe you. After you refused me and married him, I just didn't want to believe it. You know though, I'm glad. She's ... beautiful... intelligent... she's... she's got your... fire. Apparently, she knew. She wasn't very happy about it. Informed me that I was not and would not ever be her father, no matter what you said. That it was all the illness speaking. I can imagine the fun you had when she was a teenager. She's... amazing. I'm glad there's something of us in this world that will remain. Your husband... he's an amazing man for loving that child as his own. I was really impressed. Felt like a jerk."

"You are a jerk," she heard float out of her mouth. He stopped for a second and listened. A small smile crept on his lips.

"I love you, too," he answered. She rolled her eyes. The first time he'd ever told her he loved her that was her response. The memories crept over her. She looked towards the heavens again. Why was she still here?

She was taken back to the night at the beach. The sand moved under their feet as they walked down the beach arguing at two in the morning over her getting married to someone other than him.

"Was I supposed to wait until I died?" she bit at him.

"No, you were supposed to play hard to get so I realized sooner."

"Do you know how ridiculous you sound, Brandon?"

"No more ridiculous than you marrying him and not me. You've said for years we were going to get married and then all of a sudden it's over?"

"Again, can you hear yourself?"

"I love you, Collette. I feel like a jerk saying it so late, but I love you."

"You are a jerk," she said outraged at his timing. How long had she waited for those words and to throw them out at a time like this.

"I'm your jerk," he said smiling and grabbing her by the waist, looking into her eyes.

"You will always be my jerk," she agreed softly. "Even when I'm a married woman, and you're a married man, and we're married to different people." He looked hurt as his hands fell from her waist. "Did you really think you could talk me out of it?" She softened up. Her heart hurt and she wanted so badly to give in. It was supposed to be her and him and now...

"Do you love him?"

"Of course, I do. How cruel do you think I am?"

"Do you love him like you love me?" His hands were on her hips again, and he was fighting to look in her eyes. How would she love anyone like she loved him? How could she tell him the truth when it didn't matter because he wasn't the one she was going to marry? He had waited too long and taken her affections for granted. He could read her face and moved in closer. She knew she needed to push him away but she wanted his arms around her. She wanted to be comforted for what she was losing, too. He slowly leaned in and kissed her. She welcomed his lips on hers. She welcomed his body against hers and before she knew it, she'd made a huge mistake. She got up and brushed herself off, upset, putting her clothes back in order. "See," he said callously as he zipped his pants, "we are meant to be together."

"Sex does not mean unity," she said angrily kicking sand over the blood. "Random people have sex all the time without even knowing each other. Sex is a base act of hormones. Any animal can have sex."

"But we're bonded. You can't marry him now. I'll show up at the wedding and make a scene."

"And I'll shoot you the bird. Even if I don't marry him after this, we still will never be together. This... This was years of pent up frustration being let loose. This was a weak will... This was unfair... This was a mistake." She said throwing sand at him as she turned and stomped back down the beach to where her car was parked. "And if there is a wedding, he'll know. I'll tell him so your temper tantrum won't be a surprise, but when my brother takes you out back and beats you up... well, I guess that won't be a surprise now either."

She waited until her then fianc woke up later that day and didn't assuage her guilt by waking him up early. She made sure no one else was at his home and told him what happened. He was angry but blamed Brandon which caused an argument because she wouldn't have him displacing her responsibility in the matter. In the end he still wanted to marry her. He later told her that he wouldn't let Brandon have her so it was really just a matter of pride and not forgiveness.

They found out about Ali before they got married. She called, texted, emailed, went to Brandon's front door to let him know but he'd wouldn't answer. The wedding went on, and everyone assumed Ali was her husband's and there was no reason to question it since Brandon removed himself from her life completely. It destroyed her to begin with but as the years passed she figured it worked out better this way.

She sighed as she came back to the present. Brandon was still talking. "I know I was terrible to you, and I'm so sorry. I hope you will forgive me... I hope I'll forgive myself. Not knowing my child for forty something years. Completely my fault. If I hadn't reacted so badly to the whole situation... My wife was mad when I actually went to see you. She could see something in my eyes that scared her, she said. I'm sorry it ended like it did. I shouldn't have walked out on our friendship. I shouldn't have walked out on you. I hope wherever you are, you'll forgive me."

"Never," she heard her voice float out again. He stopped and listened again, a smile creeping to his lips.

"I would swear you're right here with me, not in Heaven giving God hell. When you passed away, I wasn't sad because of the state you were in. I know you're much better now. I wish I could be there when you reached those gates. It'll be a show. You always did know how to put one on. Collette.... I know I'm saying it again, but I'm sorry. Will you let this old man be set free of the guilt? Will you somehow let me know everything is ok?" He looked around hopeful, listening intently. She held her neck long and looked at with him with an attitude. She wouldn't answer him. She refused. Her voice hadn't worked earlier, so why now? After a full minute of waiting, his shoulders fell and his strong face crumpled. She wished she could comfort him without easing his guilt. She reached out a hand and placed it on his shoulder.

"You're a jerk," she breathed softly. He smiled.

"As long as I'm your jerk that's okay. Now go home. I'll see you in a while."

She felt a warm light begin to shine behind her. She began to fight. She wasn't ready. She wasn't done. She needed more time. She felt herself being pulled back into the light and fought harder. She need to go back in the church, speak to Ali, her husband, anyone... she wasn't ready yet. As she entered the light, she felt peace. She relaxed because she knew everything would be just fine. She knew the mistakes of the past would be righted. She knew it was time to wait for her loved ones to come see her. As she turned into the light, she fell speechless again because she'd said all she'd needed to say.

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