The First time I Saw Gray

The first time I saw Gray.

As youth many believe in the black and white morality system. A person or situation is either good or bad, beneficial or detrimental there is no in-between. By the time a person reaches their teen years the rose colored glasses that this theory relies on has begun to crack if it had not already shattered. This system is built and reinforced by the widely excepted and used concept of hero and villain. In most television series and movies that are focused toward children there is a well-defined definition of the ‘good guy’ and the ‘bad guy’. I was not immune to this thought process. For most of my early childhood I felt that there was a defined line between good and bad. As I grew up and began to mature I realized that life was not a black and white as I had believed.

I remember that first time the gray began to appear in my views on the world. My father was in the military and from an early age I was taught that soldiers were heroes and ‘good guys.’ My father was in the Special Forces as a Para Rescue Man. Para Rescue Men are soldiers that are combat trained medics. They are dropped behind enemy lines to rescue fallen soldiers and civilians. This is a very dangerous job that comes with many requirements that make it difficult for some to understand. I was around 9 years old when my family had gotten on the discussion of death. I stated very sure of myself that killing people was bad and nobody should be allowed to kill anybody else. My father stopped me and explain to me that soldiers killed people and that some people needed to be killed to save others. At the time I accepted what my father had said and moved on to lighter subjects, but that was the first time that figurative line I had drawn to determine good and bad had been blurred. I fully believe that some people need to be sacrificed to insure the safety of others. Before this event only villains’ hurt or killed people, after this even it was changed to Heroes only hurt and kill the ‘bad guys.’ As time passed and I became more aware of the events happening in the world I once again had to revise my statement. Now I believe that true villain are those that kill with malicious intent and without an honorable cause.

My rose colored glasses further cracked when I reached middle school. I was home schooled for most of 4th grade and all of 5th grade. I moved from Hawaii to the pan handle of Florida the summer in between 5th and 6th grade. Middle school starts in 6th grade in Florida. So my first day of middle school was not only the first time I had gone to a public school in two years but it was also the first time I had gone to school off of a military base. On my first day I met a girl named Amanda whose father had just died. As a military child I was not unaccustomed to death of a parent. But Amanda was not a military child and she was raised with a very different moral code than I had. Her rose colored glasses had been shattered and had no problem with stepping on others. She was the first to truly point out the fishers in my concepts of right and wrong. She moved away after 6th grade year, but before she left she made sure to leave weak points in my beliefs. Those spots were exploited by a girl named Reid who was my best friend in 7th grade. Reid was suicidal and used me as her own personal therapist. I eventually was able to convince her to seek professional help but by that time my glasses were nothing but shards of glass clinging to rims.

The rims finally came off and I first consciously acknowledged the gray in the world by the middle of my freshman year of high school. I had been struggling with anxiety and depression for years but had never been able to identify them. In the beginning of my freshman year a military counselor came to my school and I was given the option of talk with her. She help me to understand that the world is rarely as simple as black and white. The universe is a constantly shifting palate of grays. That well defined difference between Hero and Villain most children cling too is fiction.

I am not saying that there is not good in the world. I fully believe that everyone has some good in them. They also have some bad in them also. Rose colored glasses are wonderful and important to the stable maturing of children. Amanda lost her hope in humanity way to early and that damaged her mental out look on life. Others hold tight to there glasses and become naive in the reality of the world. I am very happy to lose my rose colored glasses. I now see the world as it really works. It is not as bleak as some may think. I enjoy seeing the many shades of life. It was very hard and at times I felt that the events that happened were going to be irreversibly detrimental only to find that they led me to some of my greatest accomplishments. I will never forget the first time I realized that the world was a wonderful assortments of gray.