Untitled

I thought that we would last forever.. However four years into the relationship I was ready to go. Our love wasn't the same anymore.. I could no longer feel it.. We hadn't shared a bed in six months, dinner in two. We had simply drifted.. The rain beats against the pavement as I sat in the living room reading a mystery novel. Chase hadn't come home... He was always working. Since he had gotten a raise and a different position, we never ran into each other much anymore..
The door slammed and he pushed his wet dreads out of his eyes
Where is dinner?
Soup is in the microwave.. I replied. He dropped his wet umbrella and jacket onto the coat rack then slipped off his shoes and trudged into the kitchen.
Damn beef stew again.. He grumbled . My mood now ruined , I closed the book and gently padded upstairs to my aprivate bedroom. My 4 poster bed along with plush silk sheets and blanket was made neatly with 4 blouses thrown on it. We had stopped sleeping together once our schedule and days off changed. I pulled on a pair of knee boots and a rain slicker then slid out the garage door and into my mustang. Tears slowly leaked from my eyes. I preferred to cry alone, that way chase couldn't question me. The heartache was strong. My feelings, emotions were all hurt and damaged by his louboutin shoes. Pain of the worst kind plagued my heart. I cried for the love lost. Oftentimes I asked myself if I had ever even loved him. He was extremely opinionated and controlling.. I had distanced myself greatly from him.. His ways had gotten to me. The constant flirting with other women all the time then accusations of me being jealous and hateful when I called him out on it. The thought of sex with him made me cry.. I didn't think he loved me anymore . I didn't know if I loved him anymore. I took the road, enjoying the way the powerful car gripped the road and turned swiftly. I switched gears and sped away from it all. The past, chase, life... My phone vibrated and I peeked
Where'd you go? I turned it off and drove for another hour, then pulled into our garage. The walk to my room was quiet, as was our home. I undressed swiftly then slid under the silk sheets. A knock on the door sounded and chase entered. Dark brown skin, gorgeous brown eyes and ebony dreads with Just a little grey at the roots spilled over his shoulder. Wordlessly, he slid into bed next to me.
What's wrong?
I felt the tears again, and he slung an arm round my waist.
Nothing. I lied
Don't waste our time with a lie.. Talk to me. Why don't you do that anymore?
Why should I.? I sniffed.
We're in a relationship ash.. You won't sleep next to me anymore.. You don't want to touch me...
I remained silent, and he gently kissed my neck.
You've got to tell me what's going on.. Here we are 4 years into it and now you're choosing to ignore me and sleep in a different bedroom.
Why should I waste my time telling you? I demanded coldly.
I just want to fix it...
You can't fix it with money... Or dick like you used to try the first year.. I spit out. We remained silent and chase sighed gently.
You won't tell me anything.. You won't fucking talk to me in my house!
No one asked you to come in here.. No one asked you to text me. You complain about every damn thing.
Come on babe.. His voice softened and I silently counted to 10.
Chase.. Do you love me anymore? I asked.
He paused, then pulled me tighter.
Of course I do. Why would you think otherwise?
We've been sleeping separately for 6 months..
You left my room
You kicked me out!!! I snapped back.
Chase sighed again and kissed my neck one more time.
Baby can we not fucking fight? For once. He kissed me once more than took me on top of him. This is always how it went.. He would say some smooth words then kiss me then we would have sex and the problem wouldn't exist again until a few months later.
I want to talk to you.. His lips said but his hard on against my leg said otherwise.
You work all the time and when you're home you're working more. If I knew this promotion would have made you a workaholic I wouldn't have moved in with you.. I'm always alone. I began.
You work the night shift though... Why can't you switch to days?
Why should I have to miss money?
This isn't going anywhere. Chase said before signing.
Why don't we just break Up?
We love each other..
I don't know if that's enough anymore..
What the hell is that supposed to mean? He asked.
Sure we love each other but there are other things I need. Unfortunately I'm tired of talking about them with you...
I know I'm not listening to you.. He began.
You ignore my feelings and I in turn hide them... We're going through this period of feelings then fights then nothing. I'm used to you not being able to do what I need anymore. The sleeping together doesn't bother me anymore... I just want to be alone most of the time..
Chase fell silent, then sighed.
You never tell me anything anymore..
Why should I? We've never seen eye to eye and I've always been irrational and far too emotional.. All you do is reprimand and insult me. I don't really feel anything for you.. There's a hole in my heart . Where you used to be is cold. ,aye the fire has gone out chase...
Ash... He began. His warm hand on my thigh was bothering me.. I didn't want to be here with him trying to reconcile anymore.. My eyes were dry this time.
You trying to say you don't love me anymore? He asked.
My feelings are invalid to you and I'm unappreciated.. Just a pretty toy for you to come home to.. I don't know anything anymore.. How I feel about you.. Sometimes I really dislike you chase. You've hurt me so much.. I don't know if there is room for love at this point.
He turned away from me and the room fell silent.
Your emotions are extreme.. But I never meant to be so hurtful.. So cold.
You were and now it may be too late... I whispered.

I woke up alone a few hours later Nd laid in bed quietly. I didn't know what I felt anymore. My feelings and emotions were a tangled mess. I was happy that he had left me alone . I didn't want half hearted apologies and guilt . He gave me so much negativity and blame.
So why hadn't I left? I rose and pulled on a long Harvard tee that had used to be chase's and added leggings.
Maybe I thought love was still possible, or maybe I liked the stability he provided with me.
It was near dawn now. I usually wore up and jogged 2 laps then came in and had green tea. By 8 am chase would be gone and the house silent. I looked forward to those times. After my exercise I would come in and curl on the couch with Oreos and milk and work on some writing. It was extremely quiet and still, as I liked it.
Chase was in the kitchen in his robe and slippers when i descended the stairs.
Morning.. He said.
You're not working today? I hadn't meant to sound so cold but chase glanced at his cup then me.
Took a day off..
I'm going for a run. I said before grabbing my keys.
I felt as if I was suffocating with him there. His suspicions and personality covered me so that mine didn't show anymore. It was always his rules and his time. I had taken to jogging around the lake just to get away. There was a treadmill and yoga mat in the basement but sometimes i just needed to.. Disappear and become engulfed within myself. I stayed out later than usual, as I had never done before, until a text from him lit up my phone. I fought back the urge to throw the phone, and looked at the screen.
I'm sorry ash.. I don't want to be overbearing with you.. It's just that I can't trust.. I've never been able to trust so I always tried to make work my life.
My mood instantly soured, I finished my sandwich and tea and got into my car.
I like space and privacy and you don't attempt to acknowledge that.
You shut me out of your life.. His text read.
I couldn't understand how someone as successful and attractive as chase was like this, but it must have been his abisive childhood. I had one as well but instead of turning the abuse onto others I had hidden it carefully inside of my heart. It never quite went away... I loved to shop and I suppose that's how I worked it out.. I worked overtime just so that I could shop. I loved nice things and regularly went out so I did wear the clothes. However, it didn't fix how chase treated me..
Sometimes I would sit and drift. The hurt, the pain.. Chase had been physically abusive at one point in our lives but I had forced him into anger management and therapy. Maybe those events had caused me to lose the love that I once had. It had been our second year and chase was going through a lot in his personal life.. Unfortunately he chose to take it out on me. After too many slaps and chokes and that one incident when he had thrown me out of the house with no shoes, I had told him therapy or it was over. I should have chose the latter. His lashing out and hitting me had destroyed my confidence and my love for him. Only jagged pieces of us remained. He couldn't see it. Or maybe he did and he just didn't want to face it. When he calmed down, he always expected me to as well and for me to forget it, but I never had. I never would...

He mad moved from his spot at the table when I got back. I had plans with just me and the botanical garden today and I didn't want to be interrupted. However sad thoughts invaded my brain. There had been times when we had talked about the future. Perhaps children.. I was always crying and always gone. Our relationship had changed from lovers to strangers.
Hey.. Maybe we could see a movie or something.. He appeared at my door with a t shirt on that hugged his body and Levi jeans. Saying that chase wasn't attractive anymore was a lie. I didn't want to sleep with him though, nor next to him.
Let's do it. I'll get dressed.. I began. He watched me with lust in his eyes as I slipped off the sweaty running clothes and turned on the shower.
I knew he would... I let the hot water run over my hair and skin, then felt him behind me. Chase was in shape.. Just a few months shy of 45, I was 12 years younger. I had a thing for older men.. Chase had been dead sexy when we had met 6 years ago. In a black suit and wingtip shoes and a blood red tie. I was in the fashion industry, he was in advertising, but we both worked for the government. Fashion was something I did in my spare time.
I missed this.. He breathed into my ear. His hands circled my waist and he kissed the back of my neck. I turned around and looked I or those dark, passionate eyes. I loved chase, so much.
We kissed, and he grabbed my face.
I love you.. You gotta know that.. He pushed me against the wall and gently kissed me once again,'one strong hand holding my face and the other on my thigh.
Another deep kiss. His age had never mattered.. His sex drive was on point.
Chase.. I love you too. I began. Another passionate kiss, then we were on the floor, making love. I let my body wind and take him in and he admired me with a grin on his face .
Baby.. I missed it so much.. You know I never meant to hurt you... His eyes were bloodshot red from the drink and smoke. He tasted delicious. He gently pushed my curls from my eyes before dipping a finger inside of me and pulling it out to taste.
You're so delicious. You're my favourite snack. My favourite meal. I felt like he wanted to say more, but i silenced him with another kiss. I didn't want to talk and cry. I didn't want to hurt. I just wanted to enjoy chase and the way that he felt against me, inside of me.
I grinded on him slowly and he grinned again, his two gold teeth gleaming.
Damn... I missed you so much. You were living in my house for this long and you wouldnt even sleep with me.. You wouldn't grant me the touch of your skin, nor the taste of your lips. You deliberately changed your workouts around so that you wouldn't run into me and it's only because ...
Chase.. His sentence was cut short as I kissed his lips gently and massaged his damp hair.
Shut the hell up.. He clamped his lips shut then allowed me to ride him faster and faster until he finally gave in and came.
We stayed that way for awhile, letting the hot shower water cover us then chase got up and switched off the shower.

We went to see some new action flick with who knows who and cuddled up on one another in the theatre, stealing kisses and feels. We alwYs got strange looks partly because chase was gorgeous and drove a viper, but also because of his menacing behaviour and his brutal attitude .
There had been that one time when he had slapped a drink off the bar. That night there had been freaky lovemaking and whipped cream.
This movie is shit. He began, kissing me on the neck. I could tell that he wanted to.. Right here.
You haven't given me any sweet in months.. So naturally I'm going to hound you for it.. I'm going to demand my pussy.. He began.
Chase!
Listen.. I know I've fucked ip. To this day my biggest mistake what putting my hands on you.. You've gotta know that I blame myself constantly for it. I changed our relationship. You don't trust me anymore. You don't trust me not to hurt you like that anymore. He was speaking the truth. My eyes began to water.
Chase.. I began. It didn't matter that we were in the middle of an action movie. If chase wanted to speak he would. His voice carried, as deep and dark as his skin was. Strong and stoic.
Listen to me... My sugar sweet.. We were separated in our home.. From each other. For what?
We were hurting... I whispered.
We were.. But I've given you four years. My best 4 years..
Your best years.. Were filled with pain.. Abuse and drama