The Day I Never Died

The Day I Never Died

“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel; I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real” (Nine Inch Nails)
It was however, the Johnny Cash version playing in her head as she sat beside the love of her life in a rundown room in what was essentially a shooting gallery; this was surprising since her musical tastes usually leaned more towards the original rendition. However, Johnny’s interpretation of the song was much more suiting in this moment.It was dark and hollow, very much like her surroundings, very much like what had become of her soul. This seemed almost surreal because it was only a few short months earlier, her life was completelytogether. She was not onlyhappy,she was doing well, very well! Raising not only her two children, but the toddler of a friend, who was unable to care for the child, and she had been attending an online university, while working as a dispatcher for a local tow truck company.She was finally where she wanted to be, where she had always known she could be! This is by no means suggesting that everything was perfect but she had certainly been heading in the right direction. Now at approximately five o’clock in the evening on New Year Eve, she sat in disbelief of what her life had so quickly become. As they loaded the syringes, the only thing she could think about was how the hell she had gotten to this place. Only a few months earlier she was preparing to celebrate two years of sobriety. After losing both her mother and husband as a direct result of addiction, just days apart, she made the decision to get herself together, even if she was only doing it for her children, they needed her now more than ever. And getting her life together was exactly what she had done!

“How did I get here???” She said aloud as her lover looked at her and responded “How do any of us?” She wanted to respond “I’m here because of you,” as she thought about all the chaos of the previous months, as she thought about how well her life had been going when this woman reemerged after nearly four years, just as crazy as she had always been. She however, did not say any of that, in part because it was not worth the argument that would surely ensue and in part because she knew it was not really true. “We need to go out tonight, its New Year’s Eve, I have a little money and the rest of the world will be out having a good time while we sit in this room shooting up? No, not doing it!” is what she said instead. Her girlfriend, who had just pierced her vein with a needle, leaned her head back and deeply sighed as she experienced the rush of euphoria that was occurring, then after a few seconds quietly mumbled, “That’s fine, whatever you want to do.”Not knowing how to shoot herself up she was forced to wait for her partnerto finish. It wasn’t really that she could not do it, but she preferred to let it be done to her. While her addiction to heroin had begun years earlier she had always chosen to use a straw as her method of partaking. It had only been over the past two months she had begun injecting the substance and from the first time she had tried, she would get very shaky and often miss. As a result, whenever anyone was available, she would ask them to do it for her.“There are six bags here, I’m assuming you do not want all that, but I am telling you now, I have done all mine and will not be coming back in an hour doing you when I have nothing!” were the next words her girlfriend would say. She looked at her blankly and responded, “Just load them all, after the day I’ve had I don’t care if I fall out, at least then I won’t have to deal with any of this”
The “this” she was referring to was more than she wanted to think about, she had not just hurt, but had devastated the lives of just about everyone she loved and in such a short time. It had only been just that morning when she was cornered in a parking lot by two ofher very good friends, one of whom had been caring for her children over the past few days while she “figured things out”. They basically told her that she was out of control and needed help, which she had already known. Then they told her not to bother coming to pick up her girls, if she even tried, child protective services would be called. Instead, they said she could meet them at the courthouse on Monday and sign temporary custody of her children over. Typical junkie, she became belligerent and argued until it was pointed out that taking responsibility for her children so that her in laws would not find out and the state would not get involved was a FAVOR and she needed to be grateful.

Back in the present moment, she closed her eyes tightly, so as not to start crying, she did not want to think about any of it, not right now. She clenched her fist, as she prepared to take her shot and as the drug rushed through her,the same calm she had witnessed moments earlier in the expression of her lover was beginning to take effect. Within seconds, all the regret she had just felt, pain she had been increasingly causing, was gone.It no longer existed and as everything began to fade to black neither did she…

What was next to come was nothing like the scenes she had seen in the movies. There would be no white lights, no out of body experience, neither her mom nor husband were there to greet her. Only darkness and more darkness, and that would be the end… Now what she should have seen was what was to come next… She should have seen her daughters, the TRUE loves of her life, being told that their mother, who was all they had left, was gone. A little over two years after seeing their father pulled out on a stretcher dead from an overdose, these girls, ages eleven and nine, would be told that their mom was now also gone, leaving the same exact way. She should have seen her aunt who had been more of a mother to her then her own mom, who had helped her through everything, never giving up hope, being informed that all her prayers and support had been for nothing. Her best friend, whom she had not spoken to in two months as a result of her destructive behaviors, being told that the reconciliation she knew would eventually happen, as well as the apology she deserved, would not be coming. That one would have been hard to see, almost as hard as her children’s reactions, she knew how much her best friend loved her, probably too much and for it to have ended that way would have been more than she could stand, even in death.There were others too, so many friends, so many people who loved her, who never left her side, being told that it was over, she finally lost her fight. Some would be crying, some holding their heads in their hands filled with disbelief, but no one able to make sense of what they were hearing. Maybe, just maybe, then she would have known how much she was loved, how much she had mattered…

Standing above her body was her partner, the woman she loved; the woman for whom she had declared she would die for. “Don’t worry you will” was what her best friend told her years earlier, the first time they were involved. An affair so devastating, so dangerous, no one ever understood why she stayed in it so long. Fueled by drugs, jealousy and tons of abuse, the nearly two year relationship, had been nothing but pure chaos and when it finally ended she ran back to her estranged husband and never looked back! So why then, after all these years, had she so readily accepted her back into her life just six months earlier? Why was she so determined that this time they would do it right? There had been no evidence to support that, even from the start; it was just a wish, a childish dream. “Til death do us part,” that was what she wanted and that is what she got. She would never see her daughters graduate, walk them down the aisle or meet her grandchildren. She would never be able to tell them how sorry she was for leaving . . . and she truly was. The moment she had met them, she fell in love so deeply. She swore she would never be the mother she had, and despite her addiction she never was. She filled their home with laughter and love. Read them stories and made up rap songs that she sung in funny voices just to see them smile. Even at her very worst she showed up for everything, she made sure, unlike herself, they would always know they were loved . . . And they always had. That is what made this so much worse, they had known they were loved and they had loved her too and now she was gone…

As the blackness faded and the light began to return, she would take a breath that felt as if she had been under water forever. “SHE’S BREATHING” were the first words she heard as the CPR continued, next thing she knew her girl and a friend, were inside the shower holding her up as they both cried and screamed at her to not die. It was in that split second, all of what she should have seen flashed through her head. Her children, her best friend, the massive pain that her death surely would have caused, all rushed through her, plunging her immediately back to life.As she became aware of her surroundings, she began crying and repeatedly whispered, “Thank you,” to the drug addicts who had just saved her life…

It was in that instance that the woman in that room died and the woman who would write this story was brought to life. I had been given a second chance; I would make it all right. I would say every one of my “I’m sorry’s” and I would be there for every milestone of my daughters’ lives. As I stood in for the father/ daughter dance at my oldest child’s sweet sixteen, this day would come to my mind.As I smiled and hugged my daughter a little tighter, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the day I never died . . .