Through the blur

“I know of nobody who is purely autistic, or purely neurotypical. Even God has some autistic moments, which is why the planets spin.”
― Jerry Newport

As 15-year-old Elizabeth Kronwall walked into school, she felt a shiver of nervousness come through her body. She hated going to school: she hated the mean kids, the crap load of homework they got every night, the long classes that she couldn’t sit still in. But most of all, she hated going to school because that meant she had to be away from her big brother, Niklas. Niklas was her protector, her best friend, her brother, her rock. Being away from him made Elizabeth sad, but she had to be brave and get through the day without him. Besides, it wasn’t like she’d be doing it alone. Her best friend- and crush- Kelsey Zetterberg, was there with her.

“LIZZY!” A loud call broke from her thoughts and she looked up from the floor she had been staring at. Her eyes lit up and the corners of her mouth turned up into a smile at seeing Kelsey standing near her locker. Her heart rate sped up at sight of her, but she managed to calm it down and race at her. She didn’t say a word when she reached Kelsey, but, then again, she couldn’t. When Elizabeth was four, she had been diagnosed with non-verbal autism. Which meant she couldn’t speak and she would do things or act in ways “normal” people thought were weird or strange.

“How’s my best friend in the whole world,” Kelsey asked in a happy tone, pulling Elizabeth into a tight hug. Kelsey loved Elizabeth for who she was and was very protective of her in every way possible. If someone made fun of her, got physical with her, or mimicked anything she did, Kelsey was right there to put a stop to it.

Elizabeth squirmed away and took Kelsey’s hand, pulling it close to her. Placing her fingers in her friend’s palm, she spelled out in the sign language she had learned long ago: ‘I’m good, Kelsey. How are you?’

Kelsey smiled and brushed the bangs from her friend’s face.

“I’m doing amazing, Lizzy. Better now that my best friend is here.”

Elizabeth blushed and gave her a shy look.

‘Thank you, Kelsey. You’re too sweet’ she spelled back.

As Kelsey was about to reply, a deep, snotty loud voice came from behind them.

“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing talking to a….freak like that,” Matt- the school bully and obsessed with Kelsey- asked.

Kelsey rolled her eyes and pulled Elizabeth behind her, not knowing if Matt was going to get physical with her.

“Because she’s my friend and besides, you don’t control who I talk to. I can talk to whoever I want to talk to. What’s it to you, anyway?” She had suspicions’ about “what it was to him” but she wanted to get the attention from Elizabeth and focus it on her.

Elizabeth started to flap her arms- like she did when she got nervous or excited-and whimpered. She was scared of what Matt could do to Kelsey…and to herself.

Matt stared at Kelsey and gasped at her tone of voice. She sounded so rude and controlling!

“It means something to me because I love you and you don’t need to be talking to a retard like her.”

At the word retard, Elizabeth crumbled into sobs and curled up on the floor next to the lockers, rocking back and forth and flapping her arms. Her heart was hurting- not only for herself- but for the kids who didn’t understand what autism was. They were so ignorant and sad; sad enough to poke fun at a hurt child.

Kelsey was fuming, but she made her way to her friend. Before she could get there, however, Matt interrupted her.

“Look at the little baby! Crying and throwing a tantrum because she’s hurt. How stupid she is!”

Those last words make Kelsey finally snap. No one- and she meant no one- was going to get away with talking about her Elizabeth like that.

“DON’T! YOU! TALK! TO! HER! OR! ABOUT! HER! LIKE! THAT,” Kelsey snarled, storming over to Matt and shoving him hard. Her brown eyes were glowing with anger and she was shaking so violently that people thought there was an earthquake.

Matt gasped at the shove and glared at her.

“You don’t get to shove me like that, little girl,” he snapped, going to push her back.

Kelsey stepped to the side so that Matt hit the lockers and gave him a hard kick on the leg.

“I am NOT a little girl, Matthew! I’m 15 years old! I’m not little, you’re the little girl! Making fun of my best friend like that? Are you serious?!”

Matt’s lips curved into a snarl and he looked up at her.

“What do you expect me to think when she acts like that? Not talking? Flapping her arms? Rocking on the floor like a baby? Sobbing? She’s retarded and stupid and she’s a baby.”

Kelsey’s lips trembled under her anger as she got right up in his face.

“DO YOU KNOW WHY SHE ACTS LIKE THAT? SHE HAS AUTISM! SHE CAN’T TALK: SHE HAS NON-VERBAL AUTISM! SHE ROCKS BACK AND FORTH ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE IT HELPS HER CALM DOWN! SHE FLAPS HER ARMS BECAUSE SHE HAS A HARD TIME EXPRESSING HERSELF! ALMOST EVERY CHILD THAT HAS AUTISM WILL FLAP THEIR ARMS LIKE THAT EVEN IF THEY CAN TALK BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HARD TIME USING WORDS TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES! SHE’S CRYING BECAUSE YOU HURT HER FEELINGS BY CALLING HER A RETARD! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT HUH? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT AND NEVER MAKE FUN OF HER AGAIN!”

With those words, Kelsey walked back over to Elizabeth, gently picked her up, gave Matt one last glare, and walked away. She took her friend into the empty music room and sat down in one of the rocking chairs they had there.

“Shh, sweetie, calm down. It’s okay. He’s gone,” she soothed, rocking her gently. Her heart was breaking from the tears pouring down Elizabeth’s cheeks, but she hid her sadness and focused on her friend.

Elizabeth gripped her friend’s shirt and calmed down to weak hiccups. Matt’s words still rang in her ears, but at least she wasn’t crying anymore. Readjusting herself so that she sat up straighter in Kelsey’s lap, she took her hand and asked, in sign language: ‘Why would he call me that?’

Kelsey sighed and stroked her hair.

“He’s an idiot, love. He doesn’t understand how you act or why you do the things you do. A lot of people don’t understand, but I do. Even if I didn’t understand, I still wouldn’t judge you for acting that way. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways and that’s how you do it.”

Elizabeth’s heart melted at her words and she sniffled, tilting her head. She wanted to tell Kelsey how she felt now more than ever.

‘Kels? There’s something I gotta tell you’ she spelled.

Kelsey gently smiled and rocked her more.

“Yes, Lizzy? What do you need to tell me?”

Elizabeth took a deep breath and looked Kelsey in her eyes.

‘I love you.’
Kelsey’s jaw dropped in shock. Elizabeth loved her? How long had she been in love? She shook her head to clear it. Why did it matter how long this love had been in place? All that mattered was that Elizabeth loved her back just as she loved her.

“I love you too, Lizzy, as more than a friend. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to help you in any way I can. I want to protect you, hold you, laugh with you, smile with you, and do things with you. I want to hold you when you cry, tell you everything will be alright when you’re losing hope, reassure you that you are enough, that you are loved, that you are worth it. I want you to be mine.”

Tears filled Elizabeth’s eyes at her words, but that didn’t stop her from grabbing Kelsey’s chin and pressing a hard kiss to her lips. The smile that lit her face was all that Kelsey needed to see to know that she was loved.

-And that-Kelsey thought- is that.