A Host Of Christmas Chaos

Four Christmases ago I was spending Christmas with the Kranks. What a bag of mixed nuts! They had a Great Dane named Prancer who had the worst case of gas known to man, woman or beast. That damn dog was treated like one of their kids and went everywhere we went. However, It was a miracle on 34th Street when Prancer got loose. He ran through the streets with bells on his collar so we heard him {b}jingle all the way. Regrettably, we also just had to follow the green cloud he left behind.

There was no catching Prancer on our own so we called Jack Frost for his help. We hated involving him because he was the local dog warden and had caught Prancer the last time he got out and decided to deck the halls.
Imagine our surprise when our travels took us to a back alley where Prancer found what appeared to be a very bad Santa fighting with a scantily clad dude with a bow and arrow. This was like a Christmas horror story and getting crazier by the minute, Santa Claus vs. Cupid. Jack Frost knew he was way over his head at this point so called Detective Fred Claus and the Polar Express, aka backup. This is nothing like the holidays I expected, just surviving Christmas in one piece seems to be the challenge.

         "Have a merry friggin' Christmas," Cupid shouted, as he pulled back his bow and arrow that was aimed right at Prancer. I wasn't crazy about that big slobbery dog but I didn't want him to die, especially like this. Where is back up? They should be here by now!

"Prancer run!" shouted the littlest Krank, knowing he was in imminent danger. All of a sudden from the other end of the alley another Great Dane came running toward Cupid. He was a solid black dog the size of a horse. Bad Santa's eyes widened as he caught the sight of something huge flying his direction. Cupid, seeing Santa's obvious distraction, turned just in time to see juicy jaws aiming for his head. Cupid inadvertently let his arrow fly, just missing Prancer and the Krank kids. Officer Claus didn't have time to notice that the arrow found it's home in the tire of his cruiser because he had to pull the big black dog off of Cupid. Bad Santa just stood there frozen. This was not the white Christmas they had in mind. Quite frankly they were both scrooged!

Officer Claus handcuffed Bad Santa and Cupid and threw them in the back of his cruiser. Just as he was about to close the door Prancer jumped in the front seat. Knowing he needed to continue to contain the situation he decided he'd let Prancer stay in the front seat until he caught the big black Dane.

Trying to be helpful I was able to call the dog over to me. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He could probably swallow me whole. But, he seemed to know the difference between the good guys and the bad guys. The big black Dane came to me, wagging his tail and put his front paws on my shoulders, licking my face. I got ahold of his collar that said his name was Earnest. I guess Earnest saves Christmas this year. I called the number on the tag and explained to the frantic owner that Earnest was a hero and that she should be very proud.

"Oh my gosh! Is Earnest okay?"

"He's great! He's here with Prancer and the Kranks, the other people with the hero Great Dane too."

"Wow! Prancer and Earnest are brothers. Earnest must have known somehow that Prancer was in trouble which is why he broke away from his leash," she breathlessly said.

Just then a beautiful woman holding any empty leash with a phone to her ear turned into the alley. She was dressed in all white, like she was heading to a fancy party. Her white attire was as solid as Earnest was black. "Earnest!" His big head and floppy ears whipped around when he heard her sweet voice and immediately ran to her, sitting in front of her waiting for praise. I was worried that his big dirty paws would end up all over her perfectly fitted white dress but he knew his place with her.

Suddenly there was a loud raucous coming from inside the Polar Express. The cruiser was rocking and the holiday perpetrators in the back seat seemed to be shaking their heads violently. Officer Claus ran to his vehicle, peering into the back seat. What was going on? he thought. There was no question what the problem was when he opened the front passenger door where Prancer was. The smell was horrendous! Detective Claus immediately closed the door trying to stop the stench. Prancer had struck again. He turned to the Kranks, "Normally I'd have to take Prancer to the shelter since this is not the first time he got loose, but I think I'll let him off on the Santa Clause this year. You may have to pay to fumigate my cruiser though" laughing hysterically as the perpetrators in the back pay the price for their dastardly deeds.

As for me, I'll take my mundane holidays any day. I'll be home for Christmas, watching It's A Wonderful Life instead of this crazy Switchmas.

904 words