The Caregiver's Gift

I have spent many years trying to figure out what God wanted me to be. I was willing to dream and take a chance. I figured that in time if I kept on searching long enough I might learn what that adventure was all about.

I found myself moving from Massachusetts to Kansas City to get a clearer picture about what this meant. I wanted to be a person used of God to show others that a life given over to God was worth it. I came with little. I had a suitcase and a contact from the seminary who would help me put pieces of the puzzle together. I had never been so far away from home. The only thing that kept me going early on was the hope that I would go back after my education was over.

I was in constant prayer. I was alone in a big world. I did not have a job, a home or friends. I was told before I even started that I would fail. "After all" said one former student, "If I could not do it you do not stand a chance." It was not what I wanted to hear. I was a long way from home and part of me was determined to make it work. "Please God help me", "Be with me God", "Your will not mine". These were my mantras that kept me going. I knew if I graduated it would only be by the grace of God.

I did graduate after four years. I got good grades and sought guidance as needed. At the end of four years we were encouraged to take advantage of a career center. I went and hoped to find out my work was not in vain. Instead I discovered dreams can turn into nightmares. The caring counselor said my test showed I was very introverted and idealistic. It would be very difficult for me to fulfill my pastoral aspiration. What was I going to do? I had just got married with the understanding that after seminary I would pastor. Cindy had spent all her money, so I could concentrate on my studies, she typed my papers and worked while I finished my course work. I had to make it work.
It was awful difficult. I was booted out of my first church, because I did not bring in enough people after being there for a little over a year. It was during this time we had our first child. We headed out to another church who had never had a young pastor. It seemed to be a perfect match until after three years it was decided I could not measure up to their expectation. I was encouraged to go to a career assessment center in Chicago. I was told through what was supposed to be a funny story that I made a major mistake. A farmer saw the letter PC up in the clouds and decided to become a preacher. He later found out that PC meant plant corn. Unfortunately I was not a farmer. I now had two kids and a wife who endured the process with me.
I was told that I could try to make it as a chaplain, but that would be no easier and they were right. I worked hard. I even learned that I could type and type I did, probably thousand of pages over the course of over three years of residency. My last years I was a supervisor in training. I went before a committee and I was told along with my supervisor I was wasting my time. It took only an hour for them to tell me I would not make it. I decided to move on. I had no choice. My supervisor told me he was done with me. After many interviews I found out the chaplain journey was not for me. I was sick and tired of hoping for a job and realized that I was more wounded than I knew. I could not help others when I was suffering from traumas that would take a lot more time to heal.

I became a caregiver. I make no more than ten dollars an hour, but it has been worth it. I doubted from the beginning that I would be very good at the job. God has shown me over and over again that I was able. I had a gift of compassion that I have continued to hone. Most recently I worked with someone for no pay at all. I was a volunteer with hospice. Joe was my client. It was a beautiful time of sharing and caring. Yesterday Joe died. At first I felt sad. Then I realized he had let me know that I had a gift. He constantly invited me to come back. I watched "Gunsmoke" with him most of the time. We were animated with a mutual admiration for the show. It was through this window we talked about life and death issues. I learned that I loved what Joe was teaching me about life and compassion. Then just like that he was gone. I feel like God is calling me to continue my quest to discover who I am as a caregiver. It is all I have left. These people are family. I am God's presence for me. This is my legacy. I love them because God loved me. It is all I have to live for. I love others who others may look over. By the grace of God something good happens. I spent lots of money on my education, saw my first marriage end and even now wonder why I am so far away from home. God has an answer. It is to care for others until I enter the warm embrace of my creator. My forever prayer is that the same love that brings us together brings us back together again. I look forward to seeing People with God's eyes: This is the caregiver's gift!! It is worth the cost!!!